Actually, I am very tired and sleepy already. But must jot these thoughts down so that they don’t disappear.

So, I managed to wake up at 6.30 am on a Sunday morning. The room is very cold and the thought of skipping the idea of going to St. Anne’s church that early is very, very tempting. It is as easy as hitting my alarm which is my handphone to silent permanently so that I can give myself the excuse that I overslept.

But I forced myself to crawl out of bed, into the bathroom though I see very little purpose in driving that far for church. I got out of my house at 6.50 am. Mass is at 8 am.

Before I left, I prodded my sleeping hubby and asked him how to go to St. Anne. Is it using the N/S highway and take the BM exit? He said no, use the Seberang Jaya one, easier to go. So, I did. But I forgot to ask which exit.

I left the house and found that my car needs petrol again. Few months back, filling petrol is never my job. I have my sons and husband to do the dirty job for me. Now, I am like filling petrol every week.

I got over to the mainland and happily I drive. Only to go ‘oh oh, Kulim, is this the exit?’ Thank God, my instinct told me there is another Permatang Pauh exit. And I was right. I drove using my instinct. Most days, I would lost my way. But hey, I am going to church so probably God open my eyes big big to know which road to take.

I was so happy when I get to St. Anne’s church ten minutes before mass. This is probably the first time I worship there. I had been there once but it was with my church choir and we were there to sing so I never really have time to appreciate how beautiful the structure is.

I notice that I am now so Catholicky. From the moment I step into the building, the holy water, cross, that little curtsy before I sit down to the prayer before mass. It has been seven years. I am utterly proud I had blended into Catholic churches now. I no longer feel like a sore thumb in a mass of stern looking sour face Catholics, mostly Eurasians. I tell you, it is a freaky experience to step into Catholic church because we are always so cold. Going into American churches are equally freaky too because they are too friendly. In fact, Christians are pretty scary people hor?

I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging there. Not because of anything but when I heard Father Stephen’s voice, it triggered a flood of memories of my first time in a church. Some of you may have read about how I become a Christian. I just walked into one after I looked it up in the Yellow Pages of Telekom Malaysia.

Father Stephen is in his 50s, speak like a Chinese but he has this sharp pronunciation. It is not soothing but rather, factual. I have heard all sorts of funny way priests speak and I tell you, you can get a headache if you concentrate too hard. But I like Father Stephen’s voice like a duckling grasping in the dark, looking for a familiar voice.

So……… I feel so blessed, so in awe, so much rejoice and so in touch with God. I know that it is only God’s grace that I had managed and coped so well after my son’s death. Vincent would be eight years old this September 24.

From the start, I was already comforted that there is God. The rest of the mass does not matter that much anymore because I already feel the oneness with the Lord. There were 3 other priests who are con-celebrating the mass. One mat salleh, one Indian and one so handsome Chinese priest.

The homily is about talents. Talents here do not mean skills but rather it was a denomination for money during the Biblical times. There is this parable by Jesus that God will give us the talents we need, to those who are selfish in sharing it, He will not give. To those who are generous, He will give more. The homily also touched on humility and humbleness. Many things run through my mind. I take stock of my Catholic journey so far. Since the day I was baptised by Father Stephen to what I had done over these 7 years.

In the middle of mass, the sun rays shone on the OHP and I can’t see a thing on it. I want to see the lyrics and sing along so I changed my place just before holy communion. So, I sat on the front pew. And that’s how I notice our Catholic church also have handsome Chinese priest lor. I know Father GT is going to smack my head for talking about handsome priest when I should be concentrating on Jesus on the cross. But forgive me lah, after so many old, old Chinese priests in our Penang parishes, it is like a breath of fresh air. Except that the priest is probably from Singapore cos he is not local.

After mass, I make a detour to say hi to Father Stephen. And he recognises me. I was like ‘Alleluia! I love You Jesus, this is the touch base moment with God that I had long for.’ Jesus is like the anchor. Seeing Father Stephen reminds me that I had come a long way from being a lost, broken soul to someone who is assured of the existence of God. I found the mountain top feeling of my faith. And no, the handsome priest is not the motivation. But hey, it is good to appreciate God’s creation, you know?

Posted on August 30th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Faith | No Comments »

Ok, I am going to be extra churchie on a Sunday.

I will be soooo churchie, I am going to drive 1 hour to a destination which I have never driven before. At least not on my own cos everytime, my hubby drove me.

I am going to St. Anne church in Bukit Mertajam to celebrate mass there at 8 am. That means, I better wake at 6.30 am because I always am so fickle with what to wear. Actually, I have a lot of clothes but I never iron so I am always short of things to wear.

You know? I wish I am superman. I want to wear nice-nice to St. Anne. I look forward to listen to Father Stephen’s homily because I like his style. Hard hitting, factual, about the world we live in and not some St. Paul stories.

But after St. Anne, I am supposed to go up some hill because the Penang state is gazetting it to some public park or something. Bah, I am not exactly sure but it is something like that lah. It’s a good story angle, nice photos and I sense my ‘boss’s boss’ will want to talk/tweet about it.

Since I am already going to be in Bukit Mertajam and there is another event nearby in Jawi, I told myself to go for a Sunday morning drive.

Now, I do not know all these three places I am going. But I have faith I will find it somehow. Hey, I am going to St. Anne, Jesus’s grandma church, how can Jesus leaves me getting lost, right?

That’s faith, folks. The trust in God for everything.

I want to have faith like the centurion who told Jesus He doesn’t need to visit his house, “Only say the Word and I shall be healed”.

I want to have faith like the woman whom had bled for a long time and yet believed she can be healed if she can just touch Jesus’s cloak.

I want to have faith like the Samaria woman at the well who believed Jesus is the Living Water.

There are so many instances of people with faith in the Bible. And they aren’t the praying routinely ones. They are the ones who simply believed there is God.

So, if I can make it to St. Anne, to some hill, to Jawi, and then back to Penang, I know God is with me. I may not be the most knowledgeable in Bible. But I want to believe that I trust God in most things I do.

It is going to be a busy Sunday. Hopes yours is a meaningful one.

Remember – A moment with God is worth a thousand hours running around not knowing our purpose.

Posted on August 29th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 1 Comment »

A few weeks back, someone asked me how I manage.

Just two days ago, another one asked me how I manage.

The first person who asked me asked it randomly. I told him, ‘No worries, as long as I have news about you online, I am managing.’ That sort of question from him sort of affirm that he too wonders. He asked me how I juggle four kids and the work I am doing.

Anyway, I see that as a good excuse to disappear sometimes. I told him I usually have a lot of time in the morning when my boy goes to school. And after I had fetched him home, if there is no urgent news, I usually leave things till at night to finish them.

Sometimes, when there are urgent things I want to rush out, my little boy understands and will not bug me. He is a nice, smart little boy who understands when I really need to concentrate and when I can pause and play, read and talk silly things with him.

As for the other person who asked me, he is a priest. So, I told him I myself also wonder how I manage. Hmmm…it must be God’s grace.

Like for example, these three days are rather busy. On Friday, which is a holiday in Penang, I managed to enjoy shopping. Haven’t been walking aimlessly at shopping mall for a few months now.

Actually, working is good for me. I spend less because I have less time to spend at shopping malls.

Oh ya, before I forget, I met my ex-boss’s daughter. I feel melancholy about it. She and her sisters were young when I worked for their daddy. Sometimes, I shed tears when their busy mom and dad were away and they fell ill and I had to see to their hospitalisation. I used to write their ponteng school letter…Had to remind their grandma what sort of foods to cook for them etc etc.

She is married now. I am old already. She asked for my phone number. I managed to fish out a card. I told her, “Please send my regards to your daddy and tell him I am finally working, after 12 years.” I worked for him for 12 years, stopped for 12 years.

Today, Saturday, we have a catechism class teachers meeting to plan for the children’s camp. I wanted to go but unfortunately, some important event in Balik Pulau needs to be covered. So, I have to skip. Kind of guilty but at least I had explained to my class why I seem to be ponteng class all the time. The children told me, “Don’t worry aunty, go and do more videos.” Sigh…such lovely, understanding kids, eh?

Sunday, I am planning to go to St. Anne’s church early in the morning for their 8am morning mass, have breakfast, find my way to my assignment location. Then, drive from BM to Jawi. Which I have no idea of the direction but I know if I put my mind to celebrate mass with Jesus’s grandma, God will not let me get lost.

Still, I wonder how I manage? I can travel to all sort of locations that I have never been before. Find the energy to be the jurugambar. Talking about that, today, one nice Malay lady said, “Oh…kamu jurugambar ya? Dari paper mana?”

Have a good weekend to all. While I find my way around….

Posted on August 28th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | No Comments »

Yesterday, I bought myself a woman’s magazine. I am not sure why but I told myself, ‘Hey! It’s September, my birthday month, so let’s see what those crappy women’s mag have to say.” Talk about women’s mag, that cilaka Her World never pay me my fees of RM500 for an article I wrote for them. Magazine firms are like that one, damn busuk kaki one. The editors will ask you nicely to write. Then, they will pushed the payment part to their finance and finance are nothing but a bunch of useless clerks.

Plus hor, I tell you a secret, I actually made up the stories. Kakakaka, all fictitious characters, you know? I mean, how the hell would I know so many people who had sex with their ex, right? Now, I get even with them already. Women magazines can go rot in hell.

I am so thankful that now, at my age, women magazines no longer make me wants to run to the shop immediately to grab the latest shoes, bags, cosmetics or anything to boost the morale a bit. Believe me, age makes some women much more comfortable. Then again, some women shriveled into nothing but a bag of loose skin, saggy boobs, big vaginas (serious!), deflated self-esteem with age and those are the targeted group for women’s mag to sell their wares.

Do you notice Loh Guan Lye’s hospital advertising their ‘tighten vagina’ surgeries on banners hanging by the roadsides? The other day, CM mentioned in his speech at INTI college about Penang being the first in medical tourism (i.e. draw the most foreigners to come here for medical treatment).

I was sniggering…’yeah, all the TCB women come here for bigger boobs, smaller CBs and silicon valleys’. And I don’t mean the silicon valley like the electronic firms. I mean the silicon, botox injection, ok?

Seriously…I think I only need some faith and I will grow old graciously. And faith I have a lot.

Talking about faith, it was at an all time low recently because I can’t find the mountain-top feelings after spending a good hour in mass. I just can’t find my marbles. The homily bores me. Maybe life has been too easy.

Then, out of a sudden, someone phoned me yesterday. I think it is God’s gentle prodding to tell me that it is ok, woman. Cos the someone told me, I must be comfortable to not not-going to church. Otherwise, I will be sucked into the routine and not connected to Jesus like how I intended things to be.

I told him, religion is about doing things outside. Outside of the church circle. Of fishing in the deep seas, of not knowing exactly why we do something though we know deep in our hearts we are doing it for a purpose. Though we don’t really know the purpose.

Recently, all the stupid politicians are kicking up a fuss over their religion. It pissed me off that no one is actually in authority to say something. The only ones who are talking kok are the minister in some department and other politicians. He talked like he rules the universe. I tweeted, “Jesus has a new name, it is Jamil”.

These few days, and the coming days, I had been tagging along to buka puasa events. For me, it comes as second nature because I had lived and grown up in a Malay kampung. And everytime our Muslims brothers and sisters pray before buka puasa, I pray along with them.

Of course, I didn’t do the Catholic cross to tell them I am praying to my God. I just pause and offered up my prayers to the Almighty. I am in awe of my Muslim friends who fasted. There is a kind of peace and calm around the moment before they start their first sip of water and first bite of the dates.

Sometimes, I have to drive quite a distance to cover the event. Sometimes, I got lost on the way. Usually, I do not eat with them because I want to rush home to have dinner with my own families. I am not obliged to go, not to all of them.

But I went along because I know whatever images I can gathered will be of use. I do video the speech by CM. Not because I intend to make any video for publishing but I suppose it is safer for me to record the audio down. Who knows, people may twist his words again and cause hoo-haa unnecessary?

Yesterday, I went to a mosque and there is this huge, big banner of UMNO and BN plus an UMNO building nearby. I got down from my car and started hunting for the banner that says CM is coming. I can’t find any and was scared if I had gone to the wrong place.

I asked around and people told me I had gone to the right one. But there is no women folks around (cos they were in some prayers inside). So, there I was, the single, lone Chinese woman standing outside the mosque compound. Phew…nerve wracking a bit. *makes mental note not to arrive too early* You know these UMNO folks lah, they make a big fuss over silly things.

Anyway…as I took the photos, my heart was wondering…’hmm…if I post these photos up, I wonder if the UMNO fellas are going to foam in the mouth if they see some of their supporters sitting there makan with CM?’ Can’t help it. That sort of motivates me to keep going. There must be a purpose for these. I leave it to God.

And that’s my blog. Can you see how I can shoot from one topic to another, both of different extremes and yet, make it into one post?

Posted on August 26th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 6 Comments »

Last nite, my citizen journalist friends told me someone used my narration and put it on their video.

That video was blardy racist and of poor quality. And the asshole really used my whole narration with my sexy voice. Stupid moron, if want to use, don’t la go put ‘I am citizen journalist chan lilian’ part in your video, si mangkuk ayun oi.

Anyway, I am not amuse because the fella is one sicko who has an axe to grind with 1Malaysia. I got Youtube to take off the video but I suppose donkeys like them will somehow replicate again.

Thank goodness, Youtube act fast because I already have a base and hence, they know I am real human. Thanks Youtube for being human and responsive.

So, to the monkey who stole my voice, may you choke on a piece of roti canai, which caused your eyes to pop out and shit flew out of your arse. The eyes landed on your shit and you are forever blind.

You know, in my weekly confession, I said something like ‘I confess….etc etc etc…I have sinned in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do.’

It is the ‘In what I have failed to do’ that I take seriously. A couple of years back, Father Fab talked about sin by omission and from that day on, I have that consciousness to do something rather than turning a deaf ear and blind eye to things.

That is why I know citizen journalism has been worth it eventhough it doesn’t pay much and we get morons who ride on our back, abuse our videos for the wrong purpose and use it for their evil intentions.

It can be very de-motivating if we allow all these unknown cowards to get on our nerves. For every one video they abused, I will make sure I make 10 more to make the world a better place.

Of course, at the moment when I am still learning the ropes, I don’t have much time to dwell on nice video production because things move very fast. But I will try to open my eyes wider and see how I can contribute to the world around me.

For e.g. though I now follow the assignments for ‘you know who’, I will try to take time to know the people of that event/place. The little kids, the makciks, the chatty ahpeks and etc. It is those little nuggets of wisdom from them that give me the morale booster to overcome boring speeches.

You know, it is pretty cute to chit chat with all the curious little kids tailing behind you when they see you around. Some of them will wonder, ‘what is this Chinese woman doing in our area?’. Or how amusing and humbling when I asked some makcik if she knows who is that Chinese man and she said, “Entah” and couldn’t be bothered.

So, I shall take comfort that somehow, the reach of my videos have even reached people with bad intentions. They are vile, toxic, full of hatred people who abused my video for their own vengeful needs. But never mind, I have faith in God that ‘I have done what I think is Thy Will’ and I shall let go and Let God takes the reign. Oh ya, I do curse though I am not suppose to, but sigh..it is a huge relief and I don’t hold any hatred. Remember the choke on roti canai till eyes pop and bowel explodes.

Posted on August 19th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | Comments Off

Some weeks back, I went to cover a luncheon with Mandarin bloggers. One of them told me he reads my blog. I told him, “Shhh….don’t tell CM hor, later he said, wuah…everywhere you go, also got blog readers one.”

Last Saturday, I went to another event and another person told me he reads my blog.

Sadly, nowadays I don’t blog as much so I cannot really consider myself a blogger anymore.

Still, it is nice to be known for my blog. So, there you go….a video of the World Vision, 30-hour Famine funds raising event. Blog reader, can you spot yourself in the video?

Posted on August 17th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | Comments Off

Time and time again, I have shed tears at that Talian Nur’s song. It is a beautiful song, always bring tears to the eyes. Yet, after each time I watch it on TV, I feel the anger rising in me.

I am not angry with the mothers who dumped their usually deceased babies. I am angry with how clueless the adults and the politicians are.

Yet, I cannot find the right way to say it because it touches on other’s religion. And they are super-sensitive and easily melatah, blinded and unreasonable.

Then again, I cannot just sit still and not say anything at all because it seems more and more rampant nowadays. The women affairs minister seem to have a lot of time to apply barrels of cement coating make-up for herself. Yet, after so many decades she still can’t tell us why newborns, sometime dead, some still alive babies are left in newspapers, bitten by ants and covered with dirt.

Things have gotten so stupid. One Chief Minister suggested lowering the marriageable age. Another Chief Minister (in a sense) suggested killing the mother who dumped her baby.

Since I converted to Christianity, I notice I have this magnet, attracting girls with problems writing to me. That had happened many years already. We Catholics call it the gift of counselling.

These girls who are in trouble notice I am not judgmental like most older women like their moms or aunties. So, they write to me.

Several of them are unwed mothers. One claimed she is 14 years old. One said she is a Muslim. Usually, when they have Malay-like names, I am very cautious with my reply because I am not sure if it is one of those mails meant to bait me. You know…if we wrongly preached God to the wrong person, we can be hauled up. In my faith blog, I have people asking ‘I am a Muslim and I want to know about your Jesus.’ My first action is to delete off because it is a grave matter.

So, back to these pregnant girls. My first advice is always, ‘Talk to your parents, no matter how you think they are not loving you, going to slap you, wateva, they are your parents and will be the best person to guide you.’

I am a Catholic. Abortion is a sin to us. But as a mother to a premature baby who was born only 1.45kg, I will never allow any women to abort their babies because babies have lives. Even tiny ones like my Vincent. Even those with birth disorders because they have lives too. So, I will send them BabyCentre website which has very good description of how big their baby is. Usually these girls only found out when they are about 12 to 16 weeks pregnant.

My reason is ‘the most you have to give up is a year, i.e. the time they need to hide their pregnancy to birth’. I told them it will avoid risks and also a huge scar and guilt for the rest of their lives.

So, why do these girls get pregnant? Do you think they are just being horny? That’s what our supposedly wise ministers and chief ministers think. Usually, these girls got into trouble in their quest for love. We are now living in a less loving world. Parents have to work hard to make ends meet. Mothers don’t spend time with their daughter enough to guide them.

And the boys? Again, parents do not spend enough time to instill moral values into them. They live a callous life with little feelings. They just don’t care what tomorrow is.

Now, the religion bit. We know which religion has the most baby dumping. Why? Because it is a great sin to have sex out of wedlock. It is punishable by the Almighty. Now, we have humans politicians who want to mete out capital punishments on this earth as well. Can you imagine the kind of pressure these girls feel? Can we blame them for panicking and throwing away a baby? They are also risking their lives giving birth without medical attention. I wonder how many have bled to death, but went unreported? How many had their wombs forever scarred, not able to have anymore babies in future?

Come on lah, stop being so judgmental. We need to teach our youngs the proper value, the consequences and provide them a place to fall back on. We have to stop this stupid ad where they are term as inhuman, beast and other stigmas.

It is only when we can afford to give our children a proper home, loving environment that we are qualified to talk about punishing them.

Posted on August 16th, 2010 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 10 Comments »