Its a nice Saturday. I have a little break at home. Hubby has taken the kids to catechism class, and I only go later for mass at 6 pm.

I think it is good for me to go to mass today because the priest will certainly give us moms a special prayer. Mother is held highly for us Catholics, especially because we adore Mother Mary, the earthly mother of Jesus. The one who took Jesus’s body and cradled Him on her lap.

When I first join the Catholic church, I could so relate to the sorrowful Mary. The church was my last solace. I left everything else behind, my previous faith, my previous life, my previous happiness…… Going through seven months with my Vincent is not something anyone could endure. I did it with the Grace of God and I came out of it a better person.

The above photo was taken this morning. My friends from the breastfeeding group I started in 2003 were there to bring gifts to mothers in the hospitals.

I didn’t go. Because if this photo has made me cry, how would I feel walking down the long corridors and mazes of blocks of hospital wards and confusing doors to reach PICU? I don’t think I want to go through the pain but sometimes, whether I like it or not, once in a while, when the thing strikes, it hurts just the same.

Many years ago, we had this Mothering Mothers, i.e. giving personalised gifts from mothers for the mothers in the UMMC. This was where my son died. And so did my friend Kah Shin’s baby Ryan died. And many others.

So, no one understands the feelings of the mothers who have children in Paediatric ICU, HDU and cancer ward, plus some long-staying ward than I do. The terrifying time, the lonely long hours when we do not know what is going to happen, the overwhelming feelings when we encounter all the medical equipment like the dialysis machine, the SPO2 thingie, the blood transfusion thing and the respirators.

Long time ago, while I was recovering from my grief, I put myself in the role of comfortor. I lent my friendship to other moms in the same shoes. I actually was punishing self by cutting myself open (literally speaking, not physically) by being there for the moms while they struggled with their babies. It helps, it numbed my own pain when I see others having the same thing.

But I am glad, I have moved on. I have stayed away from giving support and also grief support. It is a selfish thing to do but for my own health, my own mental health, it is a good thing. My doctor said so.

So, this Mother’s Day affected me more than usual. Vincent died on May 1st. Ten years ago. I didnt get affected much then and I thought, ok….good….Lilian, you are now better. But I guess it bites again.

However, nevermind, I am not who I am if I cannot shake off the feelings. Maybe a bit of chocolates, a bit of shopping, a bit of doing something out of the ordinary will make me forget again.

And hence, on this Mother’s Day, I have nothing to feel except that I had somehow touched the lives of some people. Through the gifts my friends in KL brought to UMMC this morning. For all the moms hanging there in PICU, HDU and cancer wards, may they also be given the same strength like how I had received.

May they learn to accept whatever comes their way and know that God has His plans for us. It may hurt but God heals. Except on certain days.

So, yeah, off to wash the face, put on make-up, wear nice-nice and go Happy Mother’s Day with the church. Hope the priest doesn’t make any sappy, sobby homily and make me cry again. Last week, Father Martin our new priest talked about a mom with placenta praevia and I almost died. I had placenta praevia which caused severe bleeding which caused Vincent to born premature and died. But Father’s homily has a happy ending which was like a smack on my face. However, the message I got from last week homily was ‘Be bold, ask God for what you really want’. And all I want is to be what God wants me.

Whoa….I can write 750 words in 20 minutes. The amazing writing machine.

Posted on May 12th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | No Comments »

It is one of those days when all those Mother’s Day commercialism annoyed the hell out of me. Every darn products are selling their products based on guilt trips and emotional blackmailing.

Sour grapes like me pooh-pooh at such things. They are corny, insincere and just pure commercialism.

After being a mother for so many years, I think I can bravely say this without worrying that others will condemn me for being a bitter mom, a depraved woman or whatever bitchy description they can think off.

Two nights ago, I happened to take a quick glance at my sleeping boys. The big one and the young one and the two in-between. And when people are asleep, they all look so innocent and vulnerable.

And I am amazed they all came out from me. It is really amazing, you know? If you have not have an adult child, you probably can’t comprehend. And if you DO have an adult child but never stop in wonderment and thank God for the blessing, I say you have not live fully enough.

So, Mother’s Day or not, I am pretty happy everyday because I have pretty decent good kids. Not the smartest, not the highest achievers, not the most outstanding but they are all great and best to me.

These few days, people have been sharing some baby with severe disabilities story on Facebook. Also the video of the mom who abused her own child.

I feel distance and detached. I had been down that path once. When I had planned my life to revolve around a disabled child, visualising how I was going to get my three older boys to cope with one supposed to be a cerebral palsy affected brother. I even started looking for schools for him. That didn’t happened. But I know I would have coped well. Because love conquers all.

Then, there was this harsh condemnations from every layer of people, moms, young girls and all about the woman who kept hitting her child. I can’t say I had been down that path. But I admit I too had lost my cool and had given a fair share of whackings to my children.

Of course, none of us had beaten our kids in that cruel way. But still we moms had done so. Sometimes, I know I did the right thing is getting them to behave. Sometimes, I wonder how much damages I have done? But one thing that I am very mindful of now, is never to hurt my children with harsh words.

I had seen some frightening moms who never realised their actions hurt their children’s confidence. I cringed. I cursed silently in my mind.

Mother’s Day probably didn’t mean much to me because I cannot say that I had been very close to my own mother. Yes, I was a good daughter, she was a dotting mom. But sometimes, I think I would have been a much more confident adult, if she had not been such a wet blanket. It is not her fault, of course. It is the Chinese tradition, I suppose. The question like, ‘Are you sure you can do it?’

But then, maybe I had always gone out of my way to prove to myself that I can do it, whatever the IT is because people think I can’t.

Its scary sometimes. That I don’t grow up with a father’s figure and a mother’s figure to me is nurturing by way of giving me foods, shelter and the ‘are you sure you can do it?’

Bah….I am so negative these days.

Posted on May 11th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 1 Comment »

I have been staying up very late since Saturday. I think the average time I go to bed was 1 am. It is 1.01 am now. I am waiting for a video to finish encoding. Then, I have to convert and put it up for uploading while I am sleeping.

The dracula in me only works well after 12 midnight. In two hours, I can usually achieve a lot.

I am lucky these few mornings I do not have to wake up at 6 am plus but at 8 am because I headed straight to the DUN for the session at 9.30 am.

That means I have a healthy six hours sleep every night which is sufficient. Forget about the eight-hour is best because who can afford the luxury of eight hours sleep anyway?

Anyway, blogging or rather jotting down the thoughts that momentarily stay in our memories is very important. I am glad I have blogged for so many years and can read back what I have written when the mood strikes.

The other day, I met someone from the past. I remembered him as a 10 yrs old kid. I have totally no recollection of staying in the same house with him when I was 17 or 18 years old.

It was hilarious and I laughed the whole night trying soooo hard to remember at least one thing but I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. He remembered me as someone very loud and talked a lot. I hate that! I don’t remember anything and yet, he remembered the one bad trait that I didn’t know I have. He told my friends, “She was as loud and talkative then, as she is now on Facebook”.

Many days and even weeks after that, I still couldn’t recall a thing. It is very frustrating because it was as if my whole youth was wipe off. Like we lost a huge chunk of data from our computer and we cannot connect the dots.

I only recalled after my brother mentioned Beethoven and the piano. And then, aha! I suddenly remembered the shirts and the shorts, or the colours.

Anyway…after that I am beginning to wonder if I am having onset of some memory loss due to old age. I kept trying to place the pieces of puzzle together, like what’s that boyfriend’s name? The one who worked in shipping line? Or what’s the name of the colleague that I always quarreled with? And so on and so forth.

So, I spent my waking hours wondering if the old spinster is now regretting for being so mean to me. Kakakaka. And if the ‘i forgot his name’ boyfriend has grown into an ugly old man….

It’s terrible. Late nights and now the rain make me want to write. I wish I don’t have a regular day job or have to wake up to send my son to school. I wish I can write till I drop, face down on my laptop and fall asleep.

But nope, I don’t have the luxury of time nor the purpose to sit and write.

*checks video converter and it takes a few more minutes, apply SKII and thick layer of Clinique Moisture Surge and eyecream before bedtime*

Thank you for reading!

Posted on May 10th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | No Comments »

I heard about A-Mei’s AMeiZING World Tour which will be in Kuala Lumpur this 5th May or rather tomorrow. The AMeiZING World Tour Live was in Bangkok and Singapore and finally here in Kuala Lumpur.

A-Mei has been around for ages and was very popular 16 years ago. I admit I only vaguely know about her because I don’t listen to Chinese songs as I don’t understand the lyrics.

However with Youtube, now it is possible to listen to everything and watch the MTV. So, I get myself acquainted with A-Mei to understand what makes her so popular.

Do you know if you are a Celcom subscriber, you get special deal for her concert? For Celcom customers, you can enjoy 20% OFF on A-Mei concert tickets with your choice of any seating tier.

I have watched some of the videos of her recent concert and I must say that A-Mei is still DA BOMB. The energy, her powerful voice and dance moves have not diminished after all these years.

So, check out the deal online. When you get on The Cube, you stand a chance to walk away with tickets worth RM298 to the concert!Here’s how you can get them!

First, get on The Cube by logging on to www.thecube.my. Then check out all the cool content that you can subscribe to.

You can send personalized Voice Messages and dedicate A-Mei’s song to your friends. You just need to dial *005 and press call.

Go over to The Cube to learn more.

.

Posted on May 5th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Rev | No Comments »

So, I am a blogger. Everyone knows that.

But the blogger in me has died. Lost interest. No motivation to blog because everyone is on Facebook.

Nobody read blogs nowadays.

But few days ago after I posted the last post, someone asked me in person. “So what was your decision?”

OH MY GOD….people still read my blog. I am so flattered. And guilty too.

I don’t update here much because my thoughts and opinions spill by the minute and I have Facebook to spew them. Sometimes, when I have really lengthy stuffs to write, I will use the Note function.

Facebook is much more gratifying because I get instant Likes and Comments. It is really nice when people commented something you want to hear.

If they don’t make sense or annoy me, I get to smack them away with a ‘Delete’ or ‘Unfriend’. These buttons are damn satisfying for evil people like me.

I do the talking all the time. I only want to hear what I want to hear. And I get them instantly on Facebook.

So, why do people even blog anymore?

Well, things on Facebook belongs there and it is not as effective as things written on our blogs. Over here, whatever is written stays here forever as long as I can afford to keep it alive.

Google still favour blogs. Advertisements here remain permanently.

So, blog still floats around the internet. But I have nothing much to write.

Posted on May 4th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 2 Comments »

My blog is seven years old, I think. It holds a lot of things. My ups and downs. My happy times and sad times.

Tonight, I am going to write something after a long break because I have made a decision.

What decision, no one has to know. But someday, who knows, another seven years from now, I can look back at the night I decided.

Of course, in my happy, perfect life, there are not much decisions to make.

First thing people will guess is – Oh…she has decided not to work anymore.

Or she has decided to change job.

Otherwise, there isn’t anything else. Oh wait, maybe she decided to jump faith.

I wish it is something easy like that.

I suppose I have made a lot of decisions in life. And I am rarely wrong. Even if I had made a wrong one, I stick with it because that’s the right thing to do.

In life, I guess we have to make our own decision. We cannot hang on by the edge and wait for things to happen. You either leap and hope to survive and end up in another plateau or die, knowing that you have chosen the path.

So, yes, tonight, I have decided. That’s it. No turning back.

Posted on April 24th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 3 Comments »

I signed up for some coupon site and has been bombarded with a lot of emails about special sales, discounts and really irresistible offers.

However, I have managed to stay away from buying those coupons because I somehow do not like to buy things in advance. I have that insecurity that somehow things will screw up if I plan in advance.

I have never planned holidays in advance. If we go anywhere it is always at the last minute. I don’t like the idea of planning months in advance. This was especially stressful when the kids were young cos one of them will inevitably fell ill at the last minute.

Therefore, I wonder why our coupons can’t be like this Couponcodes4u.com where people just pick up minus the advance notice.

This is a US site and have fabulous offers for so many categories of products. Some of the stuffs are so attractive I think I will get hook to shopping if I can buy them.

So are you into online shopping or love coupons? If you do, then, click the link provided for http://www.couponcodes4u.com/ and start shopping.

I know my kids will go crazy with the JellyBelly. They had been pestering me to get all the weird flavour jelly beans but they are not available here. Now JellyBelly has special discount with the coupons.

Posted on April 6th, 2012 by Lilian
Filed under: Rev | Comments Off