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25 hours in my daily life

It is 11.25 pm. I am lying in my aircond bedroom. The clothes are drying. I have a pot of too-tor thng, cooked. And there is a chicken in brine (i.e. seasoning chicken for roasting by soaking it in flavoured water) and another half chicken seasoned with spices which can be fried. Dinner for tomorrow and the day after are pretty much settled.

I had gone to work. Covered issues on housing, and how Penang is marginalised. I took it upon myself to make sure that whatever the exco member expressed are printed in my story. People needs to know the truth.

I have also gone for Zumba. It is great to sweat after a whole week of being trapped in haze.

Today, I also signed up for a Penang Second Bridge ride. And I am currently contemplating signing up for a tristate ride by mentally preparing myself to ride the lorry.

My kid just entered some dates into my calendar. I look at my November calendar and it is quite scary.

I also just confirmed I am going to sign up for another round of Lose that 5 kgs challenge.

May I also remind myself that I have confirmed my interest to take up a course on pastoral care and that will eat into my weekends too.

But I suppose things will sort themselves out when the time comes.

I get very agitated when other women lamented about how busy they are, how they do not have time for themselves, how they need to do certain things and that sort of take up their whole life. Of course, who am I to tell them to STOP! Focus on yourself, your own life and love yourself. But that’s what they need to do.

I realised that when I am happy, I can achieve so much more. It doesnt take much to make me happy with things in life. I do not know if I set my happiness level too low or people are blinded by too much things they seek.

Today I am happy there is a new curry mee stall at our Nam Hong kopitiam. I am happy to eat cheesecake at Jen Hotel during our press conference. I am happy to drink hot chocolate with my 3 sons. Mind you, we ordered ONE cup of hot chocolate LOL and that’s it. I am happy to whatsapp with a dear friend. I am happy that I managed to cook, zumba, work and took the courage to sign up for cycling and running events. So yeah, one life, live it.

No Christmas choir for me this year

Met my choir group friend today and she asked me to join the practice today. Sadly, I told her I cannot join as I am too tied up.

It is a huge change because I think I had never skipped joining the Christmas choir before. But I suppose the adage ‘We propose, God dispose’ is a good reminder.

Today, I planned to go for SCORE to help. But, by the time I am done with my work, it was already too late. Work caused me to sweat buckets as it was an outdoor thing under the hot sun and dusty construction site. Work was worth it as I could see with my eyes things taking place and had my faith in humanity restored.

That brings me to the joy of being alive. I may not be very involved in church activities but when I am working and there are things that restored my faith or showed me the things related to poverty, generousity, service and such, I feel great.

Some weeks back, someone asked me if I can help in the primary school camp. I had to decline. Looking at my November calendar, I think I don’t even have any weekend for myself, what more for churchies stuffs.

My secondary class camp clashed with my ‘wajib hadir’ teambuilding. When you are in the civil service, wajib hadir is a wajib thing you do not want to escape. So again, church has to take a second priority.

I think I am going to blot out some time for myself because I am tired of this giving to family, church, work, community thing. I should just shut down everything and fly off ALONE to some place and do whatever I fancy. I owe it to myself, really. That way I don’t need to check if my kids want to eat what I want, shop where I want or any of those stuffs. It will be all about me, myself and I. Now, that sounds like a great ending for a blog post titled Christmas choir, eh?

Incidentally Whitney Houston popped up on Youtube with this song :

Like today, I woke up at 550 am to go to church with my boy, got home after breakfast, marketing and cook some dishes and went to work at 11 am. That stretched to 1 pm, rushed to drop my boy at church again and by the time I got home, I dropped dead and zzzz for three hours. Woke up and prepared dinner. Wanted to go to the gym or pool but was sneezing like crazy and I guess my body is telling me to just freaking stop doing and stop moving. So here I am….rotting with songs, reading and crapping.

MUST. DO. IT. ON. MY. OWN. Holiday, ie.

So chan lilian celebrates 12 years blogger status

So twelve years ago, I started blogging.

I started off with an obnoxious entry. I accused people who blog are weirdoes and have no life. Twelve years later, I am still the weirdo with no life.

So, congratulations, Lilian, you have come long way and yet stay the same.

I was 39 years old when I started blogging. I am now 51 years old. Does being 39 and 51 feel different? So, what’s the different being 12 years older?


I still diss people but I don’t use the F word anymore.
I still speak the truth, the painful truth.
I still do not care what people think of me when they think I am dissing them.
I still believe whatever I want to say, I have every right to say it on my blog.
I don’t owe anyone anything because I maintain this blog myself, with my own money.

These, I believe is what make unique. I did slow down a lot for several years but is such an ‘old’ domain so I need to keep it moving.

My reminder to self if I am to continue airing my opinions online :

1. Be brave.
2. Be truthful.
3. Be forgiving.
4. Expect the world to be full of morons.
5. Do not give a shit to what people ‘may think of me’.
6. Somewhere out there, someone may be reading and whatever I wrote, may be useful to that one person.
7. It is my own money running the blog and keeping the URL, so it is mine, mine, mine.
8. Maybe blogs may die someday. But until then,keep it alive with an occasional post.

Watched 2 hrs Fifty Shades of Grey in 20 minutes

So…yesterday my little boy told me we actually have Fifty Shades of Gray in our HDD. He gave me the HDD and I told him I am going to watch it myself because nyekkkk…’you are too young’.

I got the book from a friend and it was one hell of a boring book I didn’t even read it properly and had deleted it from my computer.

Anyway, with the haze and all that, I thot I can get comfy and watch the movie which is about 2 hrs.

Right from the start, I already knew it is a disaster. Such a cliche start with clumsy poor girl going to meet some dirt rich guy. And the guy is not even handsome or commanding or anything at all.

When it was supposed to be romantic, it wasn’t. For example, the part when she got on the helicopter. The background song was Love Me Like You Do which is my favourite Zumba cooling down song.

Anyway, I just FF the whole movie because the dialogues are so dumb. Doh….in this age, where to find a virgin la. Plus what kind of girl would be so stupid to be bound by some contract.

So, I am glad I grew up with movie like Pretty Woman. At least Richard Gere has that brooding good looks with eyes that melt hearts. If I am going to get all mushy and foolish, at least Pretty Woman seems more realistic.

I told my little boy just now that how disturbing Fifty Shades of Grey is to me. It is not the BDSM part that disturbs me but how women are portrayed. It is wrong to have women holding back their needs, their thoughts, their whatever.

Since I FF the movie so much, maybe I missed out the whole thing. But I do know the woman’s body aint that great and her boobs kinda sag. And for the guy, I see only some pimples on his chest and that split second of tuff of hair. Yawwwn…

I think I am like a year too late in talking about Fifty Shades but still, I got to rant about it cos the eyes can’t un-seen what I had seen. And the moral of the story is? Don’t bother to marry too rich a guy, you know? I had seen real life cases and they ain’t nice, you know?

My Whatsapp group rants

Many of you are going to be pissed with my post. So better don’t read. And if you choose to, it is not my problem you think I am hitting at you, ok? Cos I don’t care anyway….

So, it was like only last 2 year that we had this blardy annoying thing call Whatsapp group. Initially, the first one I had was my office whatsapp. For that, it is a compulsory thing as we can’t operate without a whatsapp group.

Right now, the only two groups that I did not Mute are my Office group (which there are two but considered as one) and my family group which comprised my husband and sons.

Otherwise, the rest had been canned in the ‘Please blardy get out of my sight, hearing and go play far-far’ category.

Ok, maybe there are a few that are my gossip groups, which I do Mute when I go to sleep. Actually I can mute my phone by putting it face down and set the Do Not Disturb mode. However, I have the enjoyment of pressing that three dots on the right side to MUTE. Power in my hands kinda satisfaction, you know?

So these are the people and the sharings that I so very the hate until I want to Leave Group.

1) Sharing inane hate politics pic on unrelated group. Eg, it is a freaking cycling whatsapp, why can’t you guys share useful info related to cycling?

2) Sharing of gory photos of splattered brains and guts of dead people. Cuss those who do that because there is something sinister in these people who revel in the sufferings of others.

3) Sharing racist jokes that the person do not even realise it is racist/chauvinist/insensitive.

4) Overly polite and apologetic people on the group who tries to be peacemaker when they better zip their mouth and stay out of things unrelated to them.

5) Those waste data feel-good photos and videos. Come on, I can see those on FB when I choose to log in lah, must forcefully push into our whatsapp meh?

6) The regular Good Morning, Good Night, Good Die kinda of greetings. Yawnnnn…boring wei. Nothing to say, can just shut up and move on, boh?

7) The damn suey people who are like Chipsmore, sekejap ada, sekejap takde. Eh, if you so blardy freaking busy, don’t lah join group. When people ask you a question, takes forever to answer.

8) The ‘Oh so atas people’ who occasionally pop by to share what marvellous life they have. So marvellous mah go live there lor, no need to come by and tell us eh.

9) The most-hated people who actually have the nerve to be so uppity and claimed that just because I am around hovering on whatsapp, probably I am a no-lifer or makan gaji buta. Cilakak, my work involves online stuffs and I am a social media admin. So yeah, I have freedom and access to internet and connection to the world unlike you who hidup terkongkong under the radar.

10) And dare I say this? OVerly passionate people who share like panadol – ONE DAY THREE TIMES, feel good photos and videos of the same topics…even if they are religious stuffs.

I never play those videos you send. I hardly download the pixs you send. I hate myself that I find it so hard to Leave Group most of the times. So yeah, I bottled up those angsty feelings and now I spill them all here. It is my blog, my rants, my thoughts. So if you think I have made a reference of you, maybe I am. I don’t care, k?

Why do you want to lose weight?

A month ago, I had this conversation with my former classmate, KK. He is some analyst wizard and he has this annoying habit of asking questions. Well, he is not annoying, he is charming and all that. But oh boy…he has to ask pertinent questions and gather data and facts and produce his analysis kinda thing.

So, we were at the lounge of a hotel, with beers and seated at cosy sofas. He put his face forward, with his elbows on the coffee table, he said to me with a serious, matter-of-fact look, “Why do you want to lose weight?”

Hearing it from KK, it is like a professor asking a greenhorn student about Darwin’s theory or something. Suddenly, I am lost for words. I seriously have no answer!

Then, few days ago, I met up with Nurse Liang. She used to care for Vincent at the Paediatric ward. I used to be fat. Can’t blame me cos after Vincent’s death, I really forget to take care of myself. So I was really down in the dumps during those months in 2002-2003. So Nurse Liang had seen me in my worst possible time.

And she was surpised to see me during a Zumba session. She asked me the same question – Why do you lose weight? For Nurse Liang, I told her because I am tired of Dr Francis scolding me at every medical check-up. And my other excuse is because ‘wa ai sui’ (I want to be pretty).

To KK, I cannot remember what I babbled because when you are with 5-6 former classmates you have not met for 34 years, you don’t actually tell the truth, I supposed.

Two nights ago, another former classmate KH said, “You used to be so thin *with hand action showing how thin* when you were in school.” My retort to him was, “HORRRR…you are saying I am now very fat lah?” So I told KH I had lost 12KG already. And he said he lost 16 KG! So yeah, losing weights is so essential for us who are in our 50s. Oh yeah, KH of course quickly assured me that it is not fat but *actually I forget what were the words he used*.

Now I am asking myself, Lilian, why do you lose weight? It has not been an easy process. I had to change my eating habits. I had to drive here and there to run and workout. I had to sweat loads.


So my answers:
1. Cos my doctor warned me everytime that if I don’t lose weight, I am going to get a heart disease and die like my cousins, in their 50s.
2. Cos I had seen a young mother age 45 who died just like that, one heart attack and she was gone. The tragedy.
3. Cos I got addicted to working out, sweating buckets and losing kilos and inches.
4. Cos no feeling like going down from XL to M and being able to buy any clothes online.
5. Cos I have the ‘can do’ attitude and if I put my heart to doing something, I always succeed.
6. Cos not every woman can do what I did. So many have that ‘no I cannot do this’ attitude and usually it is their mindset that stop them.
7. Cos I get the compliments and even from the ‘highest level’. I tell you there is nothing like being spotted in a sea of cyclists and get spotted for losing weight.
8. Cos the beauty and vanity part gives great motivation.
9. Cos I feel secured that I can run up staircases, I can climb hills and not be a burden to teambuilding.
10. Cos my name is Chan Lilian.

If I can throw a rock at God’s window….

On certain days, I have that feelings of wanting to throw a rock at God’s window. Just to break it, so that He knows I exist and I am angry.

I am not sure why but I have confided in a couple of friends how I am tired of the negotiating process. As an adult, a rather wise one, I do know that God doesn’t negotiate with us.

I know I can find those answers if I spend more time looking thru the Bible. But hey, didn’t Jesus said we must have faith like a child? And only when we have faith like a child, we can enter Heaven?

So, it is not too far fetch to have the urge to throw a rock and break, hopefully those beautiful stained glass windows that costs a bomb that churches spend on using donations from over generous individuals who are too keen to wash clean themselves by donating tens of thousands to buy stained glasses imported from Italy…bla bla bla bla…

Yesterday, Sunday morning, I was drag to church because my little boy had to serve the 645 am mass. Heck, how does one keep awake at 645am? In order to get there, I have to set my alarm to 5.30 am because my little worry wart wants to be in church by 6.15am.

Then I realised that I have not gone to CHS for nearly a month. And before you chided me or stoned me for not going to mass every Sunday like all good Catholics do, I did go but not to CHS because I was elsewhere, ok? So yeah, go away self-righteous people.

And self-righteous people are what made me want to throw stone at God’s window. Hmmmm…maybe I was targeting at the wrong person? Maybe I should lastic those people instead. Like how David lastik Goliath?

Anyways….I finally said it out loud – Days when I want to throw a rock at God’s window because I think too many things are being unfair to me, the people around me and the people in the world. Like how I ask for one simple favor and get a selamba (slumber) god that never want to fulfil that one single thing so that I can move on. Or how so many people are getting life threatening illness. How people whom I see as the most caring and loving are inflicted with tragedy.

Or how that god (regardless if you are Muslim/Christian who believe in that one God of Abraham and his descendants) did not sort of smack the bad government/bad officials/bad administration but instead caused the deaths of hundreds.

So now that I had said it, time’s up. Back to work. This is too long for Facebook status so I blogged it.

*keeps my rock for another day*