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The will to live

This morning, I have a nagging feeling to visit someone I hardly know in the general hospital ICU.  I have been to the GH many times in my line of work.  Whether it is some glamourous generous mak datin delivering gifts to children in paediatric ward or visiting some victims etc.

 

Normally, I can detach my feelings when I am at work.  Sometimes I do get a bit emotional but it takes a lot to make me cry or sad or traumatised.

 

So I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go because it is a hassle to find a parking in the GH plus it is hot afternoon.  Moreover, I do not know the person that well and she probably doesn’t know me either.

 

But as I was my car parked, and  having arrived too early for work, I decided to vocalise my intentions.  In the car, I told a friend and asked him to doa (pray) for me to have the strength and love to share with the person I was about to visit.

 

Then, I asked for my boss permission to allow me to leave earlier than our regular lunch hour as I need to be there by 1 pm.  After saying these out loud, I knew I had to go and visit.

 

The reason I had the nagging feeling was I was told thru some friends that the person in the ICU did not response to external things.  Last week or so, when we visited her, she was conscious.  I do not want her to withdraw and give up fighting. I know I am a good cheerleader when I was fighting with my baby.

 

So by noon, I was forced to go because I had made the arrangements.  The sky was dark, and the radio was playing some sappy songs that made me felt so blue.

 

In the car, I was already mumbling to myself, Oh God…please give me the courage to do it.  There were no other friends going with me. It is just me and my conviction that I probably may help the person with some encouragement.

 

When I got there, I sort of have some childhood trauma running through my mind.  I had been to the GH when my in-laws and other relatives died there. I had been to the morgue as well.  There is nothing scary at all.

 

However, I suddenly had flashback when I was a kid and my brother, sister and even my father were warded there.  I was never allowed in the hospital because rules were strict.  So, until today, I have that huge gap in me about how my father looked in hospital, how my brother who had a bad accident looked like, how my sister who also was knocked down by a car looked like.

 

I was also having that blur part of my life when my father died and though I heard stories as a kid, whether when people were talking about it or I was eavesdropping, the hospital is a mighty scary place.

 

Today, despite the dark clouds, non sunny day, I brave myself and told myself that I am a big girl now.  I can face anything.  Even when they pushed bloodied patient to be sent somewhere or some disorientated guy lying on the stretcher doing weird stuffs.

 

GH is not like private hospitals.  GH is that huge chaotic crowded place with scary stuffs.  But I kept reminding myself, I am a big girl now, I can deal with this.  The Lord is with me.  He is calling me to go and be a company to the girl I was visiting.

 

So I hunt around for the ICU and took a few rounds before I found it.  By then I had been through OT, cardiac etc etc.  I do not know what I am going to do with a person who is on life support and in braces and etc.

 

Still, I went in, gently call her, tell her who I am and held her hand. It was very cold.  She responded somewhat and I speak nonsense or whatever that came into my mind.

I do not know if it is a good thing to assure her that everything will get better.  I told her she got friends outside who love her, want her to get better and assured her that though we cannot be with her all the time, we are thinking, talking and praying for her.

 

She is no longer on ventilator but she can’t talk due to the braces and stuffs they wrapped around her neck. The only way to communicate is thru eye movements.

 

After a while, I asked for her permission if I can pray for her.  She sort of nodded and I started my prayers in English, quite loud so she can hear me.  I did not care about the nurses around so I just said whatever comes to mind.

It was something like “Lord Jesus You are the healer, the saviour, the comforter.  Come Lord and heal (her name) and comfort her.  Let her feel loved and that she never feels alone. Take away her pains and discomforts, Lord.  Send your Holy Spirit to watch over her and please give wisdom to the medical people to do everything to heal her.”

When visiting was over, as I was walking out of the ICU, there was a Muslim prayer for the sick on the way.  It is in Bahasa Malaysia so I stood there and read them.  I don’t know why but I was fascinated that there is a prayer for people who do not know what to say to read.

As I walked out of the ICU, I felt peace.  Then a call came in.  It is from someone who is going to help some charitable body.  I was like Praise the Lord!  Help is coming for that NGO and it is because I was just being brave to ask.  The person who called me asked me where I am and I told him I at the GH visiting some random person I know at the ICU.  I said I felt it is a calling.  And he echoed what I felt as he too had to go out of his way to do somethings and said, Yalah, when the Lord calls, we just have to do it.

After the call, I paused and stood at the corridor to reflect.  It is not a coincidence that I would be talking to the guy and both of us echoing the same thing. Both of us are doing something we actually do not need to do because it is really none of our business.  But we still do it because we felt it is a calling.

So, I guess today I had done my part of encourage someone to keep fighting, keep hoping that she will get better each day and I have sealed her believe that even strangers are capable of loving.  Before I left her earlier, I had the urge to touch her cheek, or whatever part that I could access and told her ‘We love you and we want you to fight and get better, remember that.’

Am writing this down, not to brag but to remind myself that I can do even the smallest thing with the biggest conviction that the Lord is my shepherd.  Eventhough I walked through the dark valleys, I shall have no fear.

The ‘I love you’

Last week had a couple of emotional stuffs that sort of shook my emotions. First, I attended a memorial. Friends of the deceased were very emotional over his death and eulogies were filled with ‘I love you, (person’s name)’.

Then, before I can barely get over it, while I was driving my home, I got another message that a bubbly girl I know had met with a horrific accident.

The very same time when I was looking at life and our mortality, I also get connected back to my past. The people who were once part of my life.

We got into conversations about life. And we had gone through something that reminded us that life is short. Whatever we want to say, say it now.

As I was working at the memorial (I was there only as a staff and not a friend of the deceased), there was a beautiful sunset. So I captured the photo, sent it to my friend. And told him that it is pointless to say I love you when the person is not around anymore.

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The above is my Standard 1 photo. It brought back a flood of memories and the next few days after that memorial and horrific accident, I had to go to a children’s camp.

Seeing my Standard 1 photo, and recalling how I was at 7 years old, I was filled with a lot of love for the children I met. Maybe it is because I know that amongst the sea of faces, there are probably some like me when I was 7 years old.

Fatherless, and from the typical Chinese family, I never heard of the words I love you. So, I was that bubbly teacher and I repeated told the children I love them and more important Jesus loves them.

Now, I am more generous with I love you. In church setting, yes, it is easy to say so. Outside of it, I counted myself blessed that I have friends that I can tell them I love them over something they do, or didn’t do.

If I should die tomorrow, I know who are the ones who love me. And if tomorrow never comes for them, they know I love them too.

Very often, we are so caught up in the lust-love type of love that we are so afraid of uttering them. Now I decided that I am not going to allow that to stop me from saying I love you It sometimes means Sayaaanggg…

There are many types of love and in Greek, there are 4 – agápe, éros, philía, and storgē . Agape is the love of God for His people. Eros is of course the lusty love. Philia is like love for friends. And the last one which I do not know how to pronounce is love parents have for children.

So yeah, life is short. Say it. Don’t hold it back. Because you do not want to say it at someone’s graveside, by the coffin, at memorials. It is pointless then.

Older and wiser, I hope.

My 51st birthday is creeping up. So I somehow got into the reflective mode and look back on life.

It is not difficult to look back because I just caught up with some old schoolmates from the teenage years. Some were even from primary school.

When I sum up this life in one little summary, it is actually not as complicated as we thought when we were younger.

When we were younger, we worried if we do not catch up in exams, we are going to be a big failure. Then, I realise now that our lives are pretty much written in the stars. So it doesn’t really matter that much.

When we were younger, we spent so much emotions on relationships, failed ones, good ones, trying hard to get ones and etc. Now I realised, they were pretty much written in the stars too. No need to work so hard to maintain relationships, no need to sweat over the failed and broken ones because we probably couldn’t even remember them.

Probably it is not a good thing for old people like me to simplify life as such ideas may breed jerks and lazy people. But then, if I look at life in general, really we do not have to waste so much heartaches, worries, disappointments, unfulfilled hopes and etc because many things don’t matter.

Now, I realised it is good just to be nice somewhat. Don’t be such a bitch people hate you forever. Don’t be such an invisible person, no one remembers you, dead or alive. Don’t be such a competitive person because you will never finish running the races.

Maybe this peace comes from God. For that, I thank God.

Reunions – don’t you hate ’em?

This is going to be a nonsensical ramblings of a restless heart. So you have been warned that the post leads no where. Also, if you know me in person, you shouldn’t read if it concerns you because you may not like what I think.

Then again, I don’t give a shit. Which is why I have so much to write. Because when I am writing things, I don’t actually have anyone’s image in front of me. Otherwise, I will just take a needle and thread and sew my lips or cut my tongue so I cannot say a thing.

This is about reunions. Coming from a kampung school, I don’t get reunions often. In fact, not at all. Last year or so, I had one but it was only with the Malay students. Can you imagine? Only the Malay students attended while the Chinese ones did not.

I was the only one. Because I was that weird kid in school who grew up with Malays until I got assimilated and got a cultural shock when thrown into secondary school where Chinese came from Chinese school.

So, in a way, I am pretty much a Chinese jiwa Melayu. Anyway, back to this racial differences, naturally, at 50, we have grown apart.

Strangely, I have no problems interacting with some of the boys, who are now categorised as ‘apek’ and ‘pak cik’. I yakked with one on whatsapp for 3 hours! I don’t know what the heck we talked but we did.

Of course, another one whom I met regularly also have the same wavelength and it was like old times again when we do meet up.

Now, my problem is I am exploring why I have forgotten most of them. I can’t even remember names, can’t even remember if they were in my class and I absolutely cannot recall any previous interactions with them.

I think I was quite a bitch. It is funny now. But maybe not so funny to many back then. However, I was the head girl (prefect) so I suppose I wouldn’t get to that position if I had not been a bitch or a cunning little kid. Gee, I love myself at that age. Such guts, such dun-give-a-shit attitude.

The amusing thing is, I discovered many things 30 years later about me. One of my Malay best friend told me the kids used to gossip that I spent way too much time with one of the teachers. Well, I got free rides to and from school, I got his office to waste time if I didn’t like my Add Maths lesson but I was totally 100% innocent. Sheesh, I didn’t know those kids actually thought otherwise. Nevermind….

Then, another guy friend told me that everyone thought I was the girlfriend of some head boy. Funny thing is, I never had any feelings of crushes. Not for him, but maybe many others. But yeah, I again got free bike rides to tuition and everywhere else I wanted to go because he was always willing to fetch me.

The worst I heard was during my 3 hrs whatsapp. So I was laughing with my school crush (I hope he is still as handsome now LOL) about how we used to dominate the lower ranks in class. We were trying to out-stupid each other. I said I got 0 marks for my Add Maths and he said he was smarter with 10-20 marks.

There is this guy who is a YB who would tell every single one of my colleagues and friends (if we have time to chat), how he knows the number of students in our class. It is his classic jokes.

So the other guy (of course, another Malay, cos I Cina jiwa Melayu, remember?) who chatted on whatsapp with me for 3 hours after not keeping in touch for 34 years told me this. He said someone told him that I used to cheat and copied in my exams.

WTH? Of course I didn’t. I was either very good in some subjects or just plain failed my Add Maths and barely passed my Modern Maths. So how in the world people could suspect I cheated, I don’t know. What were their impression of me, I don’t know.

At 51 years old, I don’t care nor feel angry for being accused of cheating in exams. Horrors, I may not have very good character but lying is my most hated character in others.

Age does strange things. I am a lot more less quarrelsome. I gave up on trying to be social and fake. I don’t look forward to reunion. I do worry about those who like to brag and show off.

These few days of interactions with those I had not met for 34 years reminded me of many things. How I did not change much, from one who dont give a shit, to one who still dont give a shit.

I still care for some of those whom I liked once. I feel loved because many of them are so sincere and genuine. I realised that achievements pretty much depended on our characters more than our academic achievements.

None of us should sweat the small stuffs because when you have your life laid out, many things do not matter.

So, the last thing that makes reunions so full of tension is – Gosh, how do I fare in terms of looks? Thank God I know I am ok, and I am happy with myself. For a vain pot like me, that is probably the highest in my list of priority. I wasn’t the prettiest girl nor the most popular but I think I still wins in terms of guts and attitude.

Losing weight aint that hard

I am so glad I have Timehop on my phone. Its an App and everyday I can scroll back and see what I did last year and up to 5-6 years ago. Looking at the old photos, I realised how taukeh soh my face was. In Chinese face reading, it is good for women to have some plump face because it denotes good luck. So they say that kind of face brings luck for the husband.

Abuden, to get that sort of face, one is definitely pumped up with so much foods. And to have so much foods, one has to be rich lah. So what face reading lah, it is just pure commonsense.

Here is my photo taken in 2014 fat lilian

I wont label myself as fat. And I do hate people who categorise me as plump too. Damn, I get very sensitive if anyone dare say me fat lah. Unless the person is my evil biological brother or my very good male frens. Not female frens, only males.

Since April this year, which is like 4 months ago, I had taken that big bold step to finally lose weight and work real hard to shed those pounds. So far, I have lost 8 KGs. It is pure sweat to get those fats out. No supplements, no killer diet, change of eating habits, five times a week of Zumba and hardcore workout.

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It is kind of silly for a 51 years old fat lady to skip rope like a 5 years old kid. But never mind, second childhood, for the sake of burning fats, I will do it. Of course, you cannot lose weight by skipping. This pic is just for show. Our actual workout routine is much more complicated.

Still I just want to note down that I have started the first few steps and hopefully I will maintain this lifestyle and not die of heart attack before I am 55.

Why you get Unfriended

Back in the early 2000s, when blogging was the thing to do, everyone thought they have rights to comment and pushed their worthless opinions through.  Now I am laughing at how obnoxious I was in my Obnoxious page.  These were what I wrote back then.  Funnily enough, I still stand by those rules.

The thing is, on Facebook, I cannot tell people to just shut up because it is free.  So what I could do was to Unfriend the person.

These I wrote back in 2003, not today.

1. I am a Catholic, this blog is not.
2. I am a nice person, sometimes this blog is not.
3. I blog with one purpose, no one has to know what.
4. Either love me or ignore me.
5. I pay for this site. Every alphabets, I pay for.
6. Every alphabets you typed (as in the comments) are paid by me.
7. I don’t enjoy criticism so forget it. Pile on your jokes, thoughts, opinions, greetings, expressions, anything. I welcome them. But don’t ever try to be smarter than me.
8. I may twist your words, so don’t bother to try (criticising).
9. I am not what you read.
10. This blog is not the gospel truth.
11. You won’t find any mumbo-jumbo on literatures, classical musics, books I read or any stuffs like that. I am illiterate, uneducated but very smart and sharp. Don’t play-play.
12. As far as I am concerned, I am the smartest, loveable, sensible, patience, responsible, patriotic, tolerant person on earth. Don’t argue with me.
13. I am also the most humble, forgiving, helpful, devoted, caring, wisest person on earth. Also don’t argue with me. (and more adjectives will be added on)
14. I have no fear of (my own) death, sickness, pain, failures because I had been through a lot. So, no problems can faze me. Nothing is impossible.
15. I rely 100% on God. God is my answer, pillar of strength, rock, shield and guiding light. Don’t question my faith.
16. I have 5 kids. Hence, 5xmom. One of them has passed away. He is my source of inspiration. I know what is pain, heartache, disappointment, frustration, fears, desperation, end-of-the-world feelings.
17. X can sometime denotes extreme. In everything.
18. I live for others.
19. I live for God.
20. What you see may not be what you get. I get very annoyed and sarcastic if anyone should judge me based on this blog. Or even worse, based on one single entry they read.
So beware. Love me or leave me alone.

And from here on – written today July 27 2015 in FB age.

And here are why you get Unfriend :
1. You are stupidly annoying like leaving comments with Hello Lilian.  Like doh…do I even know you? Or care to know you?

2. You Like every freaking, single update of mine.  Can you imagine the horrors of waking up in the morning and find 20 Likes from the same person for every single pix I posted? Get a life, if you have an itch, scratch it, not Like it.

3.  You think you know me so well, you got to comment on every thought I said aloud.  I have a very liquid mind and my fingers can type awfully fast.  So a FB is just like a place where I achoooo…and then, I move on doing something else.  Usually I posted more regularly when I am busy writing boring work stuffs.  It is like taking little piss to release the boring tension.  My life does not stay there, so I hate being reminded of things I update.  So don’t give me advices over something I babbled 5 minutes or 5 days ago.  I don’t need them.

4. You are a male and I find you disgusting because either you are chauvinist, pervert or just plain boring.

 

5. You are a female and I think you ought to get a life of your own and not lord over me instead.

 

 

Anyway…sorry if there are way too many ads on this blog.  LOL I have not touch the blog for a long time and I am too lazy to find out where I stuffed those ads code.  So lazy to meddle with them, live with it, ok?

 

This is me.

A friend, or is he a relative? hmmm…really I don’t know how to categorise some people. Its funny, though. How we never talk when we were kids because of wrong channel and then, much older, I totally tuned out. But 5 decades later, we somewhat clicked. I don’t know and don’t care how he got these description of me. But the thing is quite accurate. So I am going to copy and paste the nice things about me here. I am going to highlight those points that I like to believe is so-me.

At 50, I can say I am quite settled with life and know where I am heading. Well, I do not know where I am heading but I always have that lofty ideals that someday I will just throw my life into doing things like feeding the poor in some organised soup kitchen paid by guilty-rich-people wanting to unload their guilt LOL and nourishing the minds of the downtrodden with motivating stuffs or crazy ideas like staying in some comfortable wifi-connected, aircond, no mozzies, nice clean toilets jungle teaching kids about Jesus or be involved as a counsellor to screwed up youths and women. Or be one of those people whom you can talk to when you are dying or the one who hovers around dying people or at morque. Really, these are things that thrill me because it is not ordinary.

So when my friend or is it relative gave me these, I was like ‘shit, he got a winner!’ (of whatever he used to analyse this). Don’t ask me where I got this. Cos I also dunno and I don’t want to know.

Oh ya, I am going to be vain a bit and post a pic with each blog post.  So here goes my cycling photo.

 

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Chan Lilian Life Path number is 11, a person with great intuition. Eleven is actually the most intuitive of all the numbers. You are very sensitive to your surroundings and have an amazing understanding of others. This helps you discover many a things that are going on behind the scenes. Examples of such sensitivity would be being able to sense others relationships or health without knowing them. You can use your strengths to greatly help others. This life path number is called Master Number 11 or 11/2. This number combines all the traits of number 1 twice over, and at the same time includes all the characteristics of highly charged number 2.

Spiritually aware, a visionary, inspiring, charismatic, inventive, a dreamer, idealistic and a deep thinker. You rely on faith rather than logic to deal with the life and all it has to offer. Much is expected of you having the master number eleven. Your purpose in life is give inspiration to others. You possess an inordinate amount of energy and intuition, and you can inspire people even without much effort. Take full advantage of your powers you must develop yourself sufficiently and surrender yourself to higher ideals. You will find success in fields that let you be a teacher, diplomat or speaker. All fields where you can utilize your considerable talents at uplifting and inspiring others.