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A grace filled Lent

Tell me, which boss consulted everyone about firing you but did not even talk to you about accusations she heard? Well, that was what I get. A Whatsapp to ask me to resign. Not a private one but to a whole group about some baseless accusations.

So began Lent. A period of 40 days in the desert. A boss who put you on public persecution based on what she claimed she heard. Told to you through third parties.

I am much too dignified to embroil myself with emotional woman. So the obstinate me put on my obstinate mode to fight it out. By remaining silent. If there is no God and if there is no Christ, I would have kicked up a fuss. But I remind myself with Psalm 56.

In God, whose word I praise,
in the Lord, whose word I praise—
11 in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can man do to me?

But I chose to remain silent and took up the matter to the highest office. I got no time to debate with someone who cannot even speak the truth. Someone who flung all sorts of accusations.

I told the big boss. I am not resigning because if I do so, it will give the woman the chance to throw even more lies against me. Moreover, times are challenging ahead and I will want to be part of the waves to go against the injustice that enveloped us.

How do you feel when 20 people spent an hour throwing all sorts of accusations against you? In your absence! Then the woman started to get everyone on her side. Dude, I am not even your equal, I am merely a lower rank staff. I am what I am because that’s how I am. IF I am more famous than you, I can’t help it. Even MPs asked, “Lilian’s boss? Who? A woman?”

I could feel so Jesus-y at that moment. Like Jesus doodling on the grounds kinda scene. So, if there is a Lent that I will remember, it is this one. How turning to the Lord is what kept me what I am. Let the other woman rant, plot, gossip, telling more lies and such because I will just tralalala doing nothing.

Of course, the core of Christianity is forgiveness. IF I dont have that in my heart, they would all get my laser tongue. I am a much better debater because I live by principles and I know right from wrong. So, yeah, I kept silent. For over a month.

So, I applied for leave for Good Friday. And I also submit my hospitalisation forms. She refused to sign. Never mind, throw it by the door like those are pieces of rubbish. Never mind, I take it to the higher department. And I asked an innocent question – Why didnt she sign my religious leave? How come she can sign unrecorded leave on the same day I was in hospitalised MC for three of her staff? So how now, brown cow? Is it also my fault that the higher office knows about it?

I am a drama queen. I am a social media queen. I can write things and convince eskimos to buy fridge, ok? I could have abused all that but I kept it quiet. Because I am much more matured than the one who screamed about sacking me, asking everyone else to take sides to say Yes or No.

I am so disgusted when new staff who are clueless were asked to speak against me. You know…like Pontius Pilate looking for people to scream Cruficy Him? And they laughed like a pack of hyenas when a new staff said “I am shocked. I do not know what to say.” Those laughs make me sick to the stomach. What kind of heartless people are you?

So I went through 47 days with that sort of nonsense every day. Do I feel sad? At one point, when a few people messaged me they are worried about me. I did almost break into tears. Not because I fear for my job. My husband can feed me, I don’t need the salary. Everyone knows that, that Lilian work for her belief that she can change people’s perception with her words But I was so touched that many that I didn’t expect contacted me.

To those who are unsure, yes, you have all been lied to. When she said, Dia panggil saya cibai x 3 times….as if I scolded her in person or to others, I did not. It is nothing like how she had lied to all of you. I had kept quiet because I wanted to be sure.

Now, I am sure. There is no such thing. Thats why I challenged her to show proof, lodge a formal complaint where I said it, whom did I say it, how I said. Give me a formal showcause letter. I will deal with that. In truth, I DID NOT speak to her at all nor did I verbally shouted at her or even to another person.

Stations of the Cross had been so meaningful to me. I actually am lucky to know that I can focus on God more. I have more time. Like I told the youths in the camp, praise the Lord for this incident. I learn what tough cookie I am. I learn what Jesus means about turning the left cheek, right cheek. I discover total surrender, inner peace, trusting in the Lord and best of all, know who are your friends and who are the chaffs.

Finally, Lent is over. The time in the desert is over. Christ is Risen. And so will I. Now I have said this in public, I hope all will not be misled like I had killed someone’s grandma. I was being abused by people who abused her power. I took it silently because kicking up a big drama earlier when I was very angry will have repercussion on the whole system. I stayed low because I care about the whole system. Now, I don’t care about any emotional woman. But I will stay faithfully as a servant to the system.

So yeah, finally Lilian speakth. Even a few of my close friends did not know about it.

Tamagotchi release reminds me I should be Mom of the Century

I just read on FB that Bandai released a new Tamagotchi. That reminds me of that agonising months and maybe years when I have to take care of its shit when my eldest son was in school.

I still remember I bought the Tamagotchi from Yaohan which had long closed down. It was rather expensive but as parents, we never think about those things as it was the ultimate digital toy to own at that time.

The Tamagotchi is one slave driver. You got to feed it, clean the shits and without cleaning, it gets sick. So much work over a simple gadget like that.

If you still have the old version, try selling it. I read that the thing which cost about USD17 is now worth USD130. I doubt we have ours cos when the kids have grown up, it got lost.

So are you going to buy the newly released Tamagotchi and torture yourself with the attention seeking squeaking digital toy

The mob mentality kills

Am reflecting on the last days of Jesus. Today (Sunday) Jesus entered Jerusalem and was hailed as King. The people cheered and welcomed him by waving palms. However, within a few days, people shouted for Him to be crucify.

I bet those crowd did not really know what they are doing except to follow the mob. If one says so, the rest follows.

I am seeing that a lot online on social media sites.

So in life always use the mind given to us. Think, ponder, see for ourselves and never follow the crowd. Be the brave one to stand out, to stick to our gut feelings and to stay till the end. When Jesus was carrying His cross, only a few were left to follow Him. Only a few continued to hang on, follow through and never leave Him. I prefer to be that few and never with the mob. It is always easier and more popular with the mob but it is meaningless as we do not challenge our own mind.

So blog is not dead?

The other day, I attended a social media course on advertising. I get frustrated when there are so many tips on advertising but no one tells me where those advertisements are going to land.

So, I asked, where is the content? You are selling something and yet, where is the ad going to lead you? Well, it is not products but ideas and opinions. So where do they go?

Guess what? The answer is blog or website. Like my Chan Lilian dot net. So this will be the place to store important info, brainwashing stuffs, propaganda and things people search.

I was just looking through some of my old blogging pals and they have turned their blogs (once very famous) into billboards. Some sell technology, some sell foods, some sell fashion etc.

I am not good with selling stuffs because I am just too obstinate. I am too full of opinions which cannot be changed. So, my blogs lie dormant but not dead.

I think my blogs died during the hey days of the Pay Per Post but I am not regretting them because those brought me good money. Now I am just too lazy to lift my fingers to explore but who knows, there are still money to be made out there.

Have to get over this lethargy and be prepared for the next big one. Big what? Election. Meanwhile, it will be a scribble board for me.

Longest 5 days of my life

Five days and counting in the hospital. Even my nails have grown too long. Have not seen the sunlight in the open. Twenty four hours times five days in aircond sort of suck the life out of me. No chance of sweating and maximum number of steps I made is under 1,000 per day.

Of course, I am not complaining but jotting down these. In fact, I am thankful that I took the decision to visit Lam Wah Ee and not the government clinic as I intended to do on Monday morning.

The doctor said I have staph bacteria. They took samples of my urine, sputum, nose and throat swabs on Monday. Lovingly keep those in jelly in the lab and feed those bacterias to find out whats inside me. Like what NHS said on their medical website – Staphylococcal infections are a group of infections caused by the bacterium Staphylococcus. You may have heard them referred to as “staph infections”.

I know a lot about Staph because last time, when Vincent was in ICU, that was the most feared infection as baby like him has no immunity and hence, can die because of it.

I am allergic to bactrium and penicillin and hence, that made me hard to be treated. Although I had five days of antibiotics injected into me, I cannot say I am 100% well. So the doctor kept me in here.

I was also referred to an ENT. And even Mr. ENT agreed that I cannot go home yet. So yeah, another day of porridge for morning, day and night. Glad that I got admitted because if I had been rotting at home, I probably would end up with urinary tract infection which is the most uncomfortable feelings. I could probably get pneumonia and that will complicated things further.

So five days of putting me in bed, eating porridge, humbling experience of being the sick, the hungry and the weak.

Just called my boy and told him he should visit me because it makes Lent mission complete. He can tell the world he had done something good like Jesus asked – The weak, the sick, the hungry, the prisoner (prisoners get better foods than me), the naked (cos I had to rely on him to bring me my clothes from home) and the poor (cos I have only few bucks left after I buy my own lunch extras LOL).

So yeah, God has kept me very cheerful. I have a lot of time to read the Bible, a lot of time to be silent and reflect, a lot of time to pray too. I has set out to be on vegetarian fasting but now, I got more than I bargain for. Though I have some chicken and fish (for protein sake), the rest of the foods are out of my touch. Five days of porridge is my Lent sacrifice. By Easter, I can be proud that I have started on a clean slate with five days (and counting) of solitude, porridge eating retreat. Thanks to medical insurance, of course.

Hospital stay an eye opening and revelation

Monday, I merrily drove myself to Lam Wah Ee as I thought I just need a batch of oral antibiotics to get my thick yellowish phelgm cleared. As a hospital stay expert, with Vincent’s 7 months in ICU here and the son with asthma, I already know what to expect.

So, I dressed for office, message the office admin I will go in after lunch. But oh oh, the MO found that my white blood cells were low (I think). So I got admitted.

At first I felt kinda silly to be hospitalised for a mere sore throat. Actually it is not as simple but I probably has high tolerance. The jaw hurts, the tongue hurts, the ears hurt, the eye even had discharge. The body ache, feverish, chills but all rather mild and I was still ok.

But God has a way to tell me Dont Play Play. The girl next door had been admitted to ICU for five days just because of a cold (pneumonia I suppose) and she had tracheostomy. According to her grandma, the doctors told them that they didnt know if she could make it. Tracheostomy is when the doctor poke a hole in your throat, and stuff the pipe to help you breathe. In normal circumstances, they will intubate you, as in open up your mouth with some spatula and shove the pipe down.

I know all about ventilator, intubation and stuff from Vincent’s long ICU stay. So I know how serious one can get from just an infection. So I felt much better and less silly to be warded for just simple infection. It was like wow, Lilian, you do not want that to happen to you, right??

 

So, that girl left and one old lady came in middle of the night. I heard she lost consciousness during her sleep. So she was warded next to me. But midway, she had seizure and the nurses rushed into my room to give her suction and oxygen. Again, Vincent’s mom know all about seizure, SPO2, pulse, BP etc.

Kinda of deja vu for me. But here, something connected to me. What happened to the old lady was so sudden. Now I understand how my mom had died. 20 years ago, she was warded for a bad cold. After we ensured she was all comfortable, we went home to sleep. I was 7 months pregnant with David, my third son.

Next morning, we woke up to the news that mother had died. Dying was never in my mind at all. She was taking care of my two older sons. The night before she even told me what to do with Michael who was about 4 years old. Michael was extra clingy for some reasons and insisted my mother who had a cold to go to the school van to carry him down. I suppose he as a child had the premonition.

I was 7 months pregnant and probably, by instinct I held back some emotions as I do not want to get into distress. Plus at that time, I had to deal with mother’s two favourite grandsons, age 6 and 4. So, I was the strong one in the family.

I remembered I went to Loh Guan Lye or is it Adventist, heck I cannot remember now to see the doctor why mom can die just like that. At first, my husband and I went to the morgue because I wanted to see her myself. Strangely, no matter how we asked for directions, we never got there because we couldn’t find the morgue.

I guess its the divine way of shielding me the pregnant woman from going into morgues. Anyway, later on, I had been to morgues many times, even for strangers. Guess God has a way to use me.

So, we went to see the doctor because I demanded a closure. The doctor explained that the virus went virulent and mother had a sudden collapse. She never had any medical problems. The doctor said her whole body just gave up. He said if not, part of her will be paralysed as she stopped breathing for a long time and her brains stop functioning.

Today when I see how sudden the old lady turned for the worse comforted me that yeah,things happened. Nothing we can do about it. The old lady is now lovingly cared by the children in a special unit. May she recovers soon.

As for my mother, I remembered telling my distraught siblings and nephews and nieces that probably that was how my mother had wanted it. To be quick and not to burden us.

This hospital stay also humbled me. I used to have first class private room stay. Since none of us use, hubby told me he will pay less premium for medical insurance and reduce to twin bedded. When he asked me, I said ok lah, not that we will want to be hospitalised. Yesterday, I had forgotten and thought I would be having a single room. But I guess being here with another person had revealed to me some things that I had kept in my memories.

Old people health can just deteriorate really fast. Simple cold or infection can lead to death or near death like the woman who is probably in her 30s. So treasure life, live it, love fully and never regret.

Adios, 2016

The year is almost coming to an end.

I have a bag of medals that I have earned. Whether it is running, cycling or some other activities.

I have a stash of money that I have somehow did not spend. Though my salary is not much, I am glad that I did not spend much either and have some left.

I have thousands of photos that I had snapped along the way, daily to remind me that I have a privileged life. It may not be luxurious or very special but I have fun living daily. Not a day passed by when I felt too sad or too depressed to take a picture.

Life has been good to me. Nothing to worry health wise. Never went a day short of money.

Minor worries and lousy stuffs did happen but nothing that affected me.

Travel wise, been to Hanoi, up the hills in Sapa and Hokkaido. So again, I am blessed to be able to travel with my family and my adult sons.

My BFF said I narcisstic and never keep any frens for long. I reminded him I had frended him like 6 years, so shut up. But yeah, some ladies are very hard to keep as friends. Women tend to think too much, puak puak (or tribal) too much. So fren-wise, didn’t make much difference to me if I have a host of friends or not. Still, I got two who stand my nonsense, emo and perangai. So yeah, thankful for that too.

Church wise, I didn’t ponteng church too much. I still have the vigour to serve, doing little things. Never like to do big things because I believe Christ is also laidback, cincai and low profile.

Work wise, I am blessed too. Had been given tough situation but I handled them well. I think the hardest task this year was when I was left behind in Komtar while the MACC took away my Chief Minister. I was like What now? What do I say? And glad I have the foresight to find the right words to update for him. It was See you tomorrow or something like that. I knew the whole world is looking at his update so it was very very tough.

And my scariest moment was when I was shoved into the room where there was a closed door meeting. That moment when it really dawned on me that the MACC is serious in taking him away. No time to feel fearful nor tearful but my hands did shake a lot.

So, I can stand tall, look back at 2016 and said it has been good to me. Oh except one silly episode when I went to a park and cried and cried over a decision I made. But that has been solved when someone said sorry.

Oh another episode of cried and cried because partly due to fatigue, partly due to unwinding of scary shits that I did not have time to digest.

So yeah, bye bye 2016. Thank you for being good to me.

And welcome 2017, I am ready to fight come what may. Elections? Court case? Fats? Wateva, I will fight it all. And I will live life to the fullest.

I almost achieved all my 2016 resolution. Except for travelling solo.