And the dam broke…

I had been packing the things from my old house for a week now. We have about 2-3 months to surrender the house to the new owner, a young couple.

Each evening, we will go to pack a little, throw a lot. Today, we got someone over to pick and choose the furniture they want. My part-time helper. So, that means the big furnitures are going away soon. And that means, I have to pack real fast. But damn it, how to throw your past away? I would opened up each letter to read. Sat there for several minutes and decide if the children’s clothes ought to be thrown or kept? My costume jewelleries, miniature perfume bottles, my office stuffs…..

Seasoned couples like us know that we have to stay in separate rooms to do the throw away ritual. Otherwise, major world war (WWIII) will erupt. Because things I treasure, my other half will make remarks. I kept things like old letters, cards, VHS tapes of my children’s concert, their kindy report cards, books and sentimental value things. He? He said I am taking up unnecessary spaces. On the other hand, he will keep the cables/plugs/spare parts and all kind of rubbish. I will slap forehead and tell him that those things hardware shop got plenty lah. And it goes on. So, we are no longer working as a team. I am on demolition mode, throwing everything that I know he will ‘sayang’ /cannot bear to part with. Meantime, I will keep an eagle watch over what he throws, digging out things he considered rubbish.

I hate doing this and wish my house is on fire and everything turned into ashes. Or a gang of thieves broked in and steal every single piece of papers, bottles, clothes, old panties, torn bras, away. Because it is so hard to go through my things when there are pieces of hospital cards, X-rays, MRI films, medical notes, oxygen masks, rubber tubings, NGT, nebsules and everything related to Vincent lying in every nook and corner.

Finally… the dam broke because I found the note book of my expressed breastmilk record.
15/11/2001 – Milk expressed 440 ml
21/11/2001 – 460 ml (day one at home)
22/11/2001 – 450 ml
23/11/2001 – 450 ml (Vincent hospitalised @ 6am)
&%^#@??@#! how can I forget this day? I thought I would never have the record anymore but I found it today. 23/11/2001 – The day I did the CPR.
7/12/2001 – Stock in fast freeze 4,420 ml = 4.4 litre of expressed breastmilk
11/12/2001 – Vincent came back, Weight 3 kg (born 24.11.2001)
19/12/2001 – Vince @3.45 kg
Change to Hospital Lam Wah Ee – 21/12/2001
To take 250ml x 1kg body weight = 3.45kg x 250ml = 875mls
and the dam broke…

Maybe I am living on the ‘credit’ of my bereavement. Heck, I have the right to live on it. But I won’t. I MUST sweep away all these. Now, I must figure out what to do with this notebook? I may need it for future references because I am waiting for the medical report from Vincent’s first paediatrician. She owes me a report. Three years plus and still no report. So I shall keep the notebook and may probably need to refer to it so that I can live on the credit of my loss whenever I feel like it.

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