I feel rotten. Absolutely rotten. Useless woman. Chicken shit. All talk but no action. All holy outside, inside empty.
As I was returning home from church today, I witness an accident. An old man fell from his bike and was lying on the middle of the road in Jalan Air Itam, in pain, his face grimaced. My car was the 2nd car. I swerved to the right and went home feeling like shit.
No, I did not do it so easily. I paused for a few seconds. I wanted to get down from my car, go to the old man and assure him that help is on the way. As usual, a crowd has gathered but no one go near the old man. They just watched like watching a dog got rolled over or something. I wanted to. I know I can. I know old man will be comforted to have someone touching him. I know how to talk to old man because I had been in the E.R. for so many times and I had often heard what the nurses said to those in trauma. I had comforted an old lady who had BP and fell down. I know damn well that if it has been my loved ones, I would be indebted to a kind saviour.
(Long time ago, my 2nd sister had an accident around that spot and almost died. She is only saved because the person who knocked her bicycle down was a doctor who resusitated her.)
Should old man spurting blood, I know what to do. Grab an Ah Beng shirt nearby and apply pressure. If he breaks a neck or something, I had been told what to do too. If he had stopped breathing, I also know how to give him a pneumothorax. I know so much but wtf for?
I still run home and look dazed because I am afraid to be there. And it is not because I am afraid of blood or people die. I was afraid because of some very, very stupid reason. I was NOT dressed for the occasion! Can you believe how selfish I am? For that few seconds, I cannot envision myself, in proper red dress, make-up, squatting in the middle of Jalan Air Itam, across the State Mosque, holding an accident victim’s hand. Because I was afraid people will accuse me of trying to play matyr. I was afraid my husband will scold me for being kaypoh and got home late, causing them to be hungry for dinner.
Damn me. Damn this stupid woman. What is wrong with my own esteem lately? I am not the kind of person who can walk away like that. But I proved to myself that I am as rotten as everyone else. The only good thing is I never slow down to gawk at accident victims.
Tell me, what would you do if you are in my shoes? (oh ya, my shoes were not made for squatting also because the heels will make my legs ache)
*cursing self and pinching till blue black*