Malu-fying yet standing


The words in the above pic rings in my head. I took the photo in Perhentian Island. I borrowed the words with permission from Isaiah. Isaiah is a wise person who wrote beautiful, motivating things like eagle wings and stuffs like that, about 4,000 years ago. Long before Jesus was born. If you like the pic, please feel free to use it. Just remember the person who stands in the hot sun capturing that staircase to the sky and her photoshopping skill.

That sentences. I read it 3 kali satu hari (3x per day) for 2 weeks. I believe in it. Thoroughly believed. I even do it in Perhentian, Kota Bahru and at home. (of course the whole thing I read is 3 minutes long or 2 pages and not only these sentences la)

Yet, I got malu-fied and mempersiahsueykan diri sendiri. (embarassed myself) Imagine this:
Someone very senior to me, very old, walked to me. Slapped head.
“Aiyoooo Lilian, what happened to you? Why did you do it so badly?”

I want to dig a hole, go 6 feet under and hope to die and rot instantly. But would I do that? No way. Because even if I rot to death, the maggots will be laughing at me.

Pull composure, look deep into the eyes of Mr. Senior.
“I had done my best. I am sorry it wasn’t good enough.”
Mr Senior asked, “When is your next duty?”
Miss Malu-fi-ted, “On XYZ Thursday.”
Mr. Senior slapped forehead again,”Oh my God, that is a big occassion, you know?”
Miss Never-give-up, “Yes, I know and I can do it.”
Mr. Senior realised that Miss Malu-fied is Miss Never-give-up agreed to the chance.

Real reasons which I refused to tell Mr. Senior are plenty. I am someone who do not like to give excuses or hear excuses from others. Not even my kids. You screwed up, you do better next time.

But in order to get this malu-fying moments off my chest, I have to write it.
Reasons are plenty:
1) I am new, only a novice, on the ‘job’ for 5 times only.
2) I had been coughing and having weird voice for 3 weeks liao.
3) This is the 3rd time Mr Senior reminded me. The first time, I was unprepared because the person who was supposed to turn up, never did. I had to do two persons duties, mike died on me. (nolah, michael ooi) Thank God for that because no one can hear me mispronounced.
4) The 2nd time, again, the other person did not turn up again. I had to do a last minute thing again. God, why are you so like dat? Every time I oso kena. You know how scary it is or not, God? I sat there for a whole long 4 mins with my heart about to jump out of my mouth because I wasn’t ready to do someone else job. Hundreds of ears and eyes are on me. Your voice is lost in my ‘thump-thump-thumping’.
5) The 3rd time. I guess Mr. Senior had seen me twice screwed up so I am a good water turtle to thrash. I don’t blame him, he has to maintain discipline and standard.
6) The 3rd time – I was scared shit also because the person who has confidence in me is no longer around. The person who allowed me the ‘job’ wasn’t there to provide the security. Usually, he will give me a smile (which I take as approval) after the whole thing is over. And in his place, I had endured two new persons. Two new persons who are there to scrutinise and observe every word of mine. And what do I have? No voice, sore throat, itchy throat.

Earlier, before I was reminded of how bad I was, I had wanted to forgo the 2 minutes on XYZ Thursday duty for 1.5 hours of Beethoven 9th Symphony. But now? I am going to give myself one more go. I suppose Beethoven has to wait. I know Jesus will not pull another joke on me. I am made of sterner stuff, ain’t I?

P/S : I am not revealing everything so don’t ask me what I am blabbing about. But if you can guess, give me your words of encouragement, puhleez……

15 Replies to “Malu-fying yet standing”

  1. Err,sounds like your church choir practise or up coming performance.Anyway,good luck with that.May the force be with you.:) agree with wat earthtone said.

  2. Aiyah, twinsmom, wrong liao.
    Let’s sing, I will survive!!!!!!!
    Come, come, Jason and ET, join in.
    Aiyoooo…this Narrowband, come in to the wrong party liao. Nvm, sing, quickly.
    1,2,3…At first I was afraid, I was petrified, thinking that I couldn’t live without…
    errr…what ha?

  3. “I will survive ! I will survive !
    nam-mo-or-li-tou-fat,nam-mo-or-li-tou-fat,nam-mo-or-li-tou-fat”

    I only know that part so add own lyrics loh.
    *running away quick wait lilian beat my backside*

  4. Dear Lilian… my guess is this thing happened last Friday and ‘Mr. Senior’ met up with you after mass next to your car. Appeared to be a serious discussion. Anyway, doing your best and offering your services and talents to the church is what matters. There are so many others who are just contented sitting back, watching and be entertained and just passing comments. I encourage you to keep up the good work :o).

  5. Wah, Bart. So the scene you saw was a very composed, damn determined newbie ya? Not digging hole kinda thing hor? I hope you did see the slap forehead too. hehehe I don’t know how many people had earlier buckled under the pressure. The reason I dare to take up the duty is because I had (forced to actually) given public talk sometimes, in hospitals and funny places like that. I had to talk about breastfeeding, death, illness, coping and most times with a bit of faith thrown in. And the way I fell into this duty is by accident (which of course, there is no accident in our faith). I did not ask to join, merely mentioned to Anne how I admire her, how I looked up to these ‘workers’ the very first time I went to church (i mean the first time in my life, i step into a church on my own). Father S was nearby and Anne just asked Father S if I can be part of it, while I was still open-mouth. Father S says yes immediately and I got my first duty. It went ok, Father S was pleased because I asked him if I was ok and he smiled and nodded. The 2nd time, Mr Senior was the D. The whole place was upside down. 1st reader did not turn up, I never carry the ‘book’ before, never read OT, matilah. I totally cannot pronounce the name. Even mati is, no one adjusted the mike. And I wasn’t aware. During the responsorial psalm (while i was standing up there), no one came to adjust too. After I started several sentences of my 2nd reading, only someone came up. (aiyah, I should have shouted loud-loud, dey, mana itu saya mya mike) That is after Auntie S forced them. But the funny thing is I wasn’t malu at all. I check, my skin not cow hide leh, very pretty sumore, so it must be God given strength that I continue every other duty with very little fear.
    And that solves the mystery. Mike – It wasn’t the choir but something much, much scarier. I had to have booming voice that pierce into every hearts and souls, clean their ear-waxes, wash their eyes, strike them like lightning and get them to say hallelujah that kinda thing. Very chiqik wan. Because it involves my pride and no one can take that away. If I give in to Mr Senior, how am I going to face myself in the mirror? So, I will survive. Thanks, Bart. I told G about this. G would very much love to have me in the choir (so kembang) on Maundy Thursday but now he understands my reason why I had to take the 2 minutes over the whole choir. Anyway, I will practice along with the choir ‘cos every song is a new song to me.

  6. bingo! i guessed lectoring / commentating 🙂
    i’ve never done it b4 in my entire life! don’t think i’d ever will…
    like what emily’s grandaunt would say, “BEST VOICE IN HSC”
    keep it up!

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