Err..no, that’s not a spelling error for talented. Tulan-ted is a nicer , sweeter, more well-mannered way to express frustrations. Tulan means something that is wimpy and stinky and of no purpose except to breed more tus. Tu is swine, useless and dirty, serves no purpose except to clog your arteries. Whether they exist on earth or not, it makes no difference. Buddhists can live without them. Muslims have avoided them. But people like me, well, just get tulan-ted often because of some unknown reasons.
What does one do when one feels tulan-ted? It is not healthy to take it out on my precious kids. It is not wise to take it out on my atm because he supplies endless cash. It is not smart to take it out on my friends and especially, online friends. It is dangerous to become road bullies. Or alcoholic. If I blog it too ofen, my regular readers may avoid my blog.
Some eat. Like Twinsmom and her angry crepes. I don’t eat. It makes me fat. I mop the floor. Then, I take these creatures, snipped off their heads and kkcs. After that, I split their back open. Rub salt into their wounds. Heat the oil, throw ’em creatures into the hot oil and feel so damn shiok when the oil splatter all over the kitchen wall and floor. More chance for me to mop the tulan-feeling away. And the creatures split even wider in the bubbling oil.
Not satisfied. I take another wok, heat it real hot. Take some garlic and ginger and smashed them real hard with the cleaver. (cleaver is a big, big knife which can chop off human heads) Throw the ginger, garlic and add lots of cut cili padis. Still tulan. Take out a big handful of coarsely grounded black pepper and throw into the oil. Go, die! Burn, tulan! Scoop up the creatures from the other wok, throw them into cili wok. Splash some sugar and dark soya sauce into the wok. Walau-eh, the fire jump from the stove into the wok. Giving my whole kitchen a reddish glow. Very chiqik. Take the rice wine and splash into the wok. Woohoo, more fire.
And ahhhhh….I can sing ‘You lost that tulan feeling’ to the rhythm of ‘You lost that loving feeling’. I have Malay and Indian Muslim neighbours, so I suppose they do not mind the tulan song. Silap-silap dengar, macam teladan.
But, I do not like them anymore. Instead, I ate a plate of wimpy celery and cauliflower stir-fry. And to wash away the tulan-ted smell, I went to Tesco and bought the most expensive toileteries they sell. RM100 just for shower creams! Woohoo! Sebamed and Rainbath. Hmmmm…get my loofah and scrub, scrub, scrub. Blog, blog, blog and the world goes tick-tock-tick-tock.
*Don’t ask who or what tulan-ted me. Because I myself do not know too. Important thing is to know how to release tulan feelings healthily.*