Mom who shouldn’t exist in the first place – Part I

MG asked me how I deal with my school going kids after hearing the kind of things Twinsmom’s friends go through.

5Xmom are you there? Got new topic for you to blog. Yoo Hoo… Can hear me or not? Yoo Hoo… Your telinga itchy adi or not? Can blog ah about exams and homework?
mumsgather | Email | Homepage | 02.23.05 – 1:16 pm |

Well, MG, I have two personalities. One was before I gave birth to Vincent. That kind of mom is long dead in me after I learnt how fragile life is. (I had met several moms whose school going children died in accidents. They are the most perfect moms with most perfect kids and had spent the most memorable time together.)

That ‘BEFORE’ kind of mom in me shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the first place. It is the kind where I practically dwell and live through my children’s lives. I spend lots and lots of time, making sure they excel in their studies. I was like an army-general (they are supposed to be mad and very strict, no?), making sure they stay ahead in leadership positions in class.

Damn, what kind of idiot was I? I remembered crying, (stupid woman!) when my eldest son failed to ‘melangkau’ to Standard 5. (at one time, children in Standard 3, age 9 yrs old can take one exam and leap to Standard 5). I was one of those brainless woman who hang around the school during exam and eagerly await to hear which topic, which chapter was in the exam papers. Fuck, it was as if I am the one taking the exam. Shart, it was as if, if my son failed to get the top ten positions, the world is going to end or something.

Marnnnn, this kind of pathetic moms are aplenty in school still. Don’t they have a life? Go back and iron your husband’s underwear or count the pubic hairs on the drain pipe! Yes, each time I drive by the school (which is often because I live next to the school now), I feel like going down and screamed at them to stop pestering their poor sons like that. Some actually stayed from Standard One to Six and move on to secondary school.

My dear husband will taunt me with things like, “People love their sons mah.”
My reply, “Yeah, love their sons? PKM, you think their sons enjoy their moms hanging around like some bitches on heat?”
OKlah, I dare not talk like that in person la. Or else I kena booted out of the house long time ago. Only in my mind. But something to that effect.

I mean, they are there as a group every single day and what do you expect when you put humans, especially women, together as a group? They get competitive. What else? After comparing how much their husbands earn, how many times they get screwed per week, how big their bust sizes are etc, they will start comparing their kids. And their school teachers. And when half a mark was miscalculated, they will turn ugly.

And the result? They will force more and more tuition on their kids. They forgot the meaning of living. They only see numbers and positions in class. I fell into that trap once. I will be asking drilling my son to tell me so&so’s son got which position. Are you smarter than that stupid Ah Soh’s kid? How come you did not win that bitchy colleague (of mine) son?

Oh yeah, I made my kids lives miserable too. Because I have schedules and targets. I draw out timetable, prepare questions for them, plot examination questions likely to come up. Rotan them when they failed miserably when I had specifically told them to focus on certain things. Emotional blackmail them like, Look what you have done? I put in all my time for you and you disappointed me. I even torn and threw all my son’s UPSR past year exam papers into the dustbin in a fit of anger because he did not finish the papers as I ordered. (but he still get full As leh)

Oh boy, MG, your question make me naik api dy. But it is not your fault, I was wrong and I deserved to go to the kitchen now and eat the whole gallon of Haagen Dazs Green Tea icecream. And drink one mug Aik Cheong black coffee. Plus munching groundnuts and butter shortbread at midnight.

I shall continue part II of what kind of mom I am now, when I finished stuffing my face and grown a halo out of eating those foods.

Oh yeah, donch (borrowing from MrsT) anyone tell me that they love their kids and hence, want to make sure they study for their future. When a mom puts too much effort, too much time, too much gas into getting their kids to do something, expectations arise. And when expectations did not meet their targets, disappointment arises. And when disappointments arise, kids will be the brunt of the these evil women (like me once) vile abuse. Trust me, I have been there, done that.

P/S : Donch anyone dare to flame me because I am talking about myself, ok? If for some unknown reasons you feel as if I am poking on your conscience, just remember durian is my favourite fruit and my name rhymes too. Thorny on the outside, succulent inside but only connoisseur knows how to appreciate.
smokeyhill

Smokey Hill photo taken during East Coast trip. Intentionally put up here to depict my smoking head. Also to show to Jason of http://procrastination.frens.net/

a>

28 Replies to “Mom who shouldn’t exist in the first place – Part I”

  1. I am looking forward to you second part.And your part I mum is the type of mum which I hated the most!No doubt!My mum has 25-50% of the traits you mentioned.But then,she never bothered much.Why?Because my classroom teacher is 100% like the one you mentioned.I hate her so much,I lost my childhood because of her.Fuck!

  2. Reminds me of an aunt. Her two kids (my cousins) suffered emotionally when she kept comparing them with me & my sis. The outcome ? Well…they didn’t do well in STPM. And they are both staying far away from her now as she still hasn’t changed and loves nagging, always pestering her kids. Come on, their grown ups…she calls to check on them everyday. Now she compares them with other kids who made more $ or married to rich husbands. No wonder my cousins are still single. Sigh ~!

  3. I totally agree with what you said. I believe that parents should be proud of their own kids even if they do not excel academically. Making comparisons with the other kid next door is only going to bring your child’s spirits and self-esteem down. This is not the kind of encouragement you want to give your kids. It will only result in poor self-development.

  4. I love your blog Lilian. It gives a voice to so many women’s experiences.

    My mother used to be like that too. Made me utterly miserable in early primary school, spanked me hard when I got 90% on Math. She’d say “why no full marks? So-and-so got full marks!”. Thank god Ma loosened up when I grew older, for some unknown reason. After my mom stopped blasting me for the things i failed at, she encouraged me to do whatever i wanted to.

    After that, I decided to chase some dreams of mine. Got a scholarship to the US, went globe trotting to do NGO work, now I’m planning to start a career in New York in philanthropy. I think Ma is quite proud, though she is ashamed that I am incapable of ironing my clothes properly.

    I’m not trying to go into self praise, but I turly believe that kids are capable of amazing things. I wish more Malaysian parents will see the true potential in their little ones, rather push them to be models of social norms.

    When I’m home in PJ, I see so many kids being punished for not getting the coveted “A”. I know the very same children are amazing at football, draw beautiful pictures, make the funniest jokes, and they all have largest hearts of gold. They are all perfectly capable of being amazing people without tuition and 13 A1’s.

    To some parents, please let your child grow as a person with values, ideals and a passion for life, and not as a model student or employee who performs to bureaucratic perfection.

    To my mother, thank you.

  5. Auntie lilian this entry rocks! These part-1-moms also like to put blames on the teachers. There was once when I was having a hair cut in some saloon when this auntie (read: bitch) came in with her son (he’s about 10 years old) and apparently the kid just got back from 3 tuition classes in a row. The bitch was bragging about how “successful” her “teaching method” is. So the hairdresser casually asked the bitch why did she force so many tuitions onto the poor kid. And what she replied totally pissed me off – “The teachers in school are soooo stupid ma. Dunno how to teach my son. @(#*($*&” And she said it in front of her son! But what the hairdresser answered was cool – “then why do u still send ur son to school??”

    It makes me wonder if these moms really hope their kids to do well “for the kids’ future” or they are just hoping that their kids to excel so that they can have something to brag about in front of other aunties/relatives/bitches/etc.

  6. When i was a kid, i hate it when my mom force me to tuition. i had it when mothers try to compare their sons with other ppl. And i hate it when ppl start talking about how much their husband earn and what car they are driving.

  7. I believe most kids will naturally come into their own once they reaches puberty when it comes to study. So no point in pushing them too hard at their tender age, they are just kids…let them be kids, why force them to be robots.

    I dun pressure my son to study, study, study..I just make sure he does his homework and during exams, will just ask him to do his revisions…no doubt i have to ASK A FEW TIMES cos his minds always wander.

    He always get Cs or Ds for his Chinese and BM papers, I’ll just tell him to do better next time and also words of encouragement. On subjects that he likes he gets As or Bs, I’ll praise him.

  8. I’m lucky..my mum never interfere wif whatever I did. Choose ECA at Primary 3, choose secondary schools, college, I made all the choices myself.

    My sisters aren’t this kind of moms too, dun think I will be. 🙂 Part 1 mom is too much work!

  9. my mom donch care about me one.. she said it doesn matter what grades you get in sch/col.. what matters is knowing that you’ve tried your best..

    wahh i think her words get backlash la.. now here am i.. “trying” my best kacauing ppl in blogsphere lor..

    anyway parenting is hard.. on one hand you want your kids to do well in sch.. on the other hand you cringe at limiting their freedom/ putting on too much pressure.. dilemma sial

  10. sad isnt it…. I see most Asian mothers here forcing their kids to be Drs and CEO’s.. some made it but are unhappy and disinterested with their careers, some fell by the wayside and some killed them selves. I just hope to have a healthy child, give her a good moral foundation and pray she will be happy in her life and make something of it.

  11. My parents never pressured us to get 100 marks or 1st, 2nd in class even though in very competitive Chinese School. I’ve never attended tuitions until Form5; and that was for BM (I asked for it)cause I didn’t want to flunk SPM and not able to proceed to Form6. So I would not put my children through tiring tuition schedules unless they ask for it. Childhood is once in a lifetime, I don’t want to deprive them of enjoying it.
    For those moms who hang out around school all day, they are really EFNTD!

  12. Hehe. Thank you Lilian. You answered my question liao. Wah.. got lots of interesting comments too. I’m waiting for Part 2 and in the meantime here’s another topic for you. There was an article in the Star about parents and students being stressed by too much homework. Whats yours and your childrens’ view? Is there too much homework these days compared to our time or is it just a result of parents being more kiasu now as compared to our parents?

  13. It’s hard to be a mum………..(need a good balancing act)Sometimes you need to push and at times let go for your children sake.

  14. My mom is a little bit like that with my youngerst brother. Maybe it’s because all her other kids get good marks easily (not to angkat diri ah), but my youngest bro a bit slow. I told my mom, not everyone is meant to be a CEO or a doctor, lawyer, etc. Some people are meant to change the world on other ways. My bro is very good playing football, maybe his destiny is to become a football player? So now my mom lepark a bit and just encourages my bro in whatever he wants to do 😀

  15. wa, good la, can learn a lot from your experience. was thinking about the topic as well. like I do cane SZ sometimes for misbehaving and don’t quite agree that the child should be spared the rod. and not sure how to handle the school performance part yet as she is still in kindy. so, waiting for your part II…

  16. Ah……finally…..after so many days of not having any idea on what topic to blog about…I finally have something in my mind. Maybe Mrs B should read it later when posted up =P Since Suzanne is her eldest daughter and I’m gonna type my experience on my escaping rotan adventure and growing up as the eldest daughter who was never spared the rod..kehkehkeh

    Luckily my mother dun like to gather gather with other moms outside school. She said “what for? they all suka gossip gossip…I dun like lah..bo mi kia cho meh????”

  17. I look around me & i see all my frens turing into Part I mom. I pity them really. They wouldnt listen when u tell them that children should not be the center of your life. Sigh….

  18. earthtone comment all liao lar, I no need to comment liao lar hehehe…
    some mother treat their kids like a decorative item, or trophy. since they have a certain social status, so they also don’t want their kids to make them lao-kui.
    some parent lai funy leh, enroll the kids to classes then claim “which they like it” afraid of other accuse them being kia-su.
    Lilian, syiok lar your post, I know you are scolding your old-you, but there are a lot old-you look a like right now outside the school gate.

  19. Nowadays, many mothers are crazy. They expect teachers to teach their sons and daughters to behave well other than excel in studies. Some even complain they don’t have enough homework. Being a kid is not easy. Why they have to suffer pressure as a kid when there’s enough pressure as a adult. You all sucks man, kiasu moms.

  20. Die, die, I am very late in logging on today because got tummy ache and slept till 12.15 noon. (with my #3 son ringing the door bell ‘cos he finished school dy). Now got 21 comments, cannot reply all. So, better donch comment at all, ok?

  21. I think its not just academically sometimes. Some mothers will make their kids do what they want to do when they were kids but don’t have the chance to do it. So they enroll their kids in music classes, ballet classes, computer classes, language classes, arithmetic classes, self defense classes and dunno what classes beside tonnes of homeworks and tuitions. Pity the kid. Sleep also no time.

  22. Oi, serious wan la, I really tummy ache but not from eating all the green tea icecream and such. Not sure what’s wrong also but no lau sai. Almost fainted you know? Wah….I very drama queen wan, if got tummy ache, sure can black out from pain. Atm gone to KL, kids at school, die also you all don’t know. Cis!

  23. My bro’s classmate’s mom (hope that’s not too complicated) hired a private tuition teacher so her son scores well in PTS and get a double promotion. When the results were released, her son managed a double promotion but she didn’t allow her son to go for it. *Weird*

    P.S. Haagen Dazs has greentea flavour now? *drool…*

  24. My parents also didnt force us to study very hard, she said just atlest finish form 5 enough liao 😛 And i ask for the tuition if i need, she didnt force us to go tuition.

    Cant wait your part II come out!

Comments are closed.