Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)
The above used to be my pillar of strength. Three years ago. At that time, I don’t have the faintest idea what it means. But I read and read and try to believe it. Back then, I wonder if God is going to put His hands out from the thin air and do something for me. LOL!
Nevertheless, I was lost as I do not have anymore guide to uphold me as I had just lost my son. However, these words gave me hope.
It is only today that I realised that I had forgotten these verses. Something that had been my guiding light had somehow been shoved away because I thought that I can do everything on my own because God already gave me the ok green light. Yeah, that Phillipians verse, “I can do all things through Him who strengtens me.” took over. I got big headed and felt strong again. I went on doing one thing after another.
Just today, another lady approached me (as have many of my church members) and said she had read about me, saw me in the magazine etc. Some even keep my articles. Cool! Oh yeah, babe, I am a celebrity, you don’t know meh? I appear every where until I sienz of looking at my face and is now hiding from the press.
OK, back to serious. I had attended the Way of the Cross for the first time. I was only introduced to the church two years ago. Last year, I got a small baby so I was imprisoned at home. This year, I had begged my atm on bended knees to let me go out of the house, even if to church. He released the chains and locks. (ok, joking little bit) I had attended for several Fridays liao. It is held every Friday for 7 weeks before Good Friday. (right Bart?) Somehow today, something really get to me.
What Way of the Cross? Well, it is just something where we reflected on the journey of our lives. Have I been a good girl? Have I given others my time? Have I helped a broken heart person? And in the middle of reflecting, I realised that I had taken on too much things for a single person. I had done almost everything there is to be done.
Now, I am not boasting. I really did so many things. But it wasn’t me. It was God’s grace. It was God’s works. Through me. Many helpful people have come my way to help me fulfil them, of course.
Two guys had told me in capital letters (as in shouted) ‘YOU ARE NOT GOD, OK!’ when I IM-ed them that I am tired. Yeah, I am not God but do you know that God cannot run up and down and do things Himself? How the heck do you think God works in our lives? Send winged angels to run errands? No mah, God uses us, the normal people, ah soh with no education like me, to do things like what I did.
And this Ah Soh is damn tired now and realised that I have to turn back to my faith in the Lord. I hope to find the same strength again soon.
Just before I left the church, I met up with Auntie Mary whom was our RCIA facilitator and I don’t know why I suddenly blurted to her that I am so weak and need God’s strength. Gila me. But Auntie Mary gave me such kind words and I know I am right on track again.
Yeah, I am going to Jesus and tell Him, hey, take off all my anger, disappointments, frustrations, tulan-ness (LOL) (as in the yoke of the kerbau’s back?) – the result of my own undoing. Give me back a humble heart and a lot of patience. I surrender all my pride and desires and please, let me start again. This time, I promise not to do a 100m dash when I don’t need to. I will walk like the tortoise and keep reminding myself that I can always turned to God when the going gets tough.
It is almost 4 am for goodness sake and I am still mumbling my thoughts. God, help me to sleep! Amen.
**I am off to a 2-day intense soul searching seminar. (Sat 2-10pm, Sunday 9-7pm) If you are bored over the weekends, go read my old entries, ok? Next time, I do quiz and give prize, ok? Read properly and remember wor? Take care and have a good weekend, folks!**