From today till Saturday, I will be doing my daily reflections which is sorta like my homework from the seminar I attended.
What better way than to put my thoughts in writing and if you like, do share your thoughts. If what I said is too chim, never mind, I will continue my usual blogging, as and when the ideas strike.
Day 1 –
The Lord God says this, “I shall pour clean water over you and you will be cleansed. I shall give you a new heart, and put a new spirit in you; I shall remove the heart of stone from your bodies and give you a heart of flesh instead. I shall put my spirit in you. You shall be my people and I will be your God.” (Ezek 36:22-28)
I realised that in my heart, I no longer have the excrutiating pain I used to have for losing Vincent. Those hard times of taking care of him, dealing with his death and later on coping, just do not seem to hurt me anymore. That is why I seem to have lost my drive because when I had a broken heart, I used it to propel a lot of projects. I have a very strong drive to make things happened for others. Which, with God’s grace and blessings, had been successfully accomplished.
Hence, during the seminar, I was baffled because things that used to make me cry, cannot. At the seminar, yeah, we cried buckets. It was meant for that purpose, to unload and to come out refreshed.
So, I asked for God’s guidance on what am I to do now that I had served my purpose. Yeah, I am a very vain person, even as follower of Christ. I demanded God to give me something to do, BIG ONEs somemore, a purpose to serve. Being a mother is not sufficient responsibility for me. I am built for bigger things.
Some of my women friends told me that being a mother is the greatest responsibility and hard enough for a person to shoulder. But I am never satisfied being ‘mother’. I get restless and feel useless. I know that my sons aren’t going to grow up in a good-enough world if all the people around them are not adopting the same upbringing as them.
With teenage sons, I had to open my mind broader. They have friends from all sorts of background, different ideals and standard. What their friends accepted at normal, routine, trendy lifestyle could be forbidden by our religion. No pre-marital sex, for e.g?
Don’t get me wrong, I am the coolest mom around (or so I think). So, how the heck am I going to set down all these rules? I can’t do much but that doesn’t means I can’t do anything. I may not be able control my sons entirely but I can change the views of some parents, teenagers and people that I do not know. Through whatever means I can get a hand on.
So, I pray that with my desire to do, do, do whatever it best for others, God will give me a new heart, one that is not binded in pain but binded in love now. Mould my heart for this new role. Give me the wisdom to carry out the task. Help me when I stumble. Guide my hands when I am lost. Most of all, pour Your Holy Spirit in me, fill me with abundance love so that I may in return, love others. This, Lord, I pray with my earnest heart. Amen.