As I lay down and listen to some inspiration songs, tears flowed down my eyes. I look around the bedroom and do not know what to do. My toddler has messed around and found his dad old wallet. He threw the dad’s talismen all over the floor. I saw them but do not feel like picking them up. I felt a sense of betrayal in me.
The betrayal is on my part. I had abandoned my old faith and somehow, it affects other things too. Things that I can’t blog.
Once upon a time, I too used to carry these talismen. I had one in yellow cloth , drawn with the blood from the tongue of the medium (had been burnt long time redi). I let the talismen lay on the bedroom floor. It is not my prick of a Christian that is doing it. It is the disconnection I felt in me.
Probably the visit from senior relative (SR) this morning got into me. She asked me to tell my atm what to buy for Ching Ming. What am I suppose to feel? For the last 18 years, I had been the chief organiser, arranging everything down to the minute details. I am my mother-in-law most trusted person. For the last 3 years I had not been able to participate because:
1) April 2002 – my son was dying in the hospital, old patients are dying everyday in the ICU (Ching Ming season mah), so who has mood to care about the already dead?
2) April 2003 – my baby was only 2 mths old and I am breastfeeding, so who in their right mind will bring a 2 mths old to 5 graves all over Penang island, from Gottlieb Road, Mount Erskine to Sepuluh KongSi to Relau?
3) April 2004 – my baby has high fever and is hospitalised. So who cares about Ching Ming?
4) April 2005 – I am in a dilemma now. I am in a big, bad dilemma.
Dilemma because if I don’t go, I am not being fair to my atm. A man must have a supportive wife. I don’t want his siblings to see that all my four sons, the heir to the family surname, are no longer following their traditions. (two of my eldest sons have scout camp, wooohooo!)
If I go, what the heck am I going to do? Take photos of the lengluis in micro mini short pants and email to doc? Take macro photos of the ants on the hill? Busy catching butterflies? Sing Amazing Grace on the hill?
Probably, if I had not played a big part in Ching Mings in the previous 18 years, I can just sit around with my KKC, adoring the countryside. But the last 18 years, I had been the one cooking the full meal, including the chicken and duck. I am the one buying the politically correct fruits (no pears please) and kuehs (in banana leaves, please). I am the one buying the necessary paper paraphernalias. So, if I step foot on the hill, it will be like a totally different person. And I am so afraid of being ‘different’.
And mind you, my in-laws bukan sebarang in-laws. They are taukehs of joss-stick factories and shops selling all the Chinese gods. And a few of them had already ‘not recognised’ me anymore.
Oh Lord, you said to me – If I want to follow You, I have to leave some parts of my old self. Lord, lead me and guide me. Make me lau sai so bad I end up 10 kgs lighter, on drip in the hospital. Hahaha. I don’t mind trading 10 kgs and a chance to escape another year for some lau-sainess. (lau-sai = loose water bowel movement, dang, i dunno how to spell diarhorrea)
People – teach me how to eat till I lau-sai. Where huh got ‘sure can lau-sai mamak stall’? Got doctor can prescribe lau-sai induce medications? Quick!!! I have until Saturday to do so. God save me!