Spouse/partner’s trust and internet privacy

Let’s hear from the opinions from you good people out there. This matter has been bothering me for a while. I feel violated. And I suppose that feeling is not likely to go away unless I vented it.

We women sometimes have a lot of things to write to each other, whether on email or IM. When you trusted a person, you will likely share some things that can be rather personal. Hey, on PMS days everyone seems to be wrong and I am right and therefore, I have my rights to curse till the cow aunty/taiyeemah comes home, right? And not everyone has the privilege to know some of these things unless I trusted the person.

And it comes to pass that one day, this person I trusted had her mail boxes and IM messages histories read by the spouse. Why la this stupid gmail gave 1GB diskspace? All the Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah were in there. All the male bashing etc.

A big row ensued between them because of this and I stand by this person, telling her to calm down, don’t give up on her involvement on the internet (in some community thingy). OKOK, the spouse is not only, not happy with me but rather with many other things that I do not wish to know.

A few weeks passed and now, if I wish to write to this person (even on official work matters), I am asked to use a different route. How humilating can this be? Will you feel like a criminal in an illegal matters?

My big question is – Is it right for one’s spouse/partner to gain access to the passwords and read the mails/IMs? I know that I will not even do this to my own kids. Because I trust them to know what they are doing. As for if I am likely to do so to my own spouse – I probably will do it only when I have a devilsh plan to get a big, huge, gigantic alimony and a chance to re-marry a future king when I am 57yrs old and looked like a errrr…errrrmmm…whatever la.

Do I need to add that though I do not like to boast, I did help this person a lot in many ways. One of my strong point is my ability to motivate a person when they are depressed and provide my unconditional support. Of course, if the person screwed it up, then nothing can mend the relationship.

Tell me? Will you feel so very the violated?

23 Replies to “Spouse/partner’s trust and internet privacy”

  1. Personally, I don’t like anyone to have access to my personal accounts, and that includes my significant other. At the same time, I don’t pry into his personal email accounts. That helps out a lot to keep peace in the relationship. Ultimately, I believe both partners have to trust each other.

  2. A big no no. I get paranoid even with people I know I trust standing next to me when I was at the ATM. The same applies to websites. I’ve broken a few hearts when I asked them to keep a distance before I entered my PIN number.

  3. Sexydad expects me to take care of his email and all correspondence. And remembers his passwords and pin numbers. And doesn’t bother with mine at all. So can’t say I feel violated.

  4. the spouse got nothing better to do than read the other half’s email? i personally dun wanna have a spouse like that. err.. but ur case is different sexymama.

    i wud feel betrayed if i were u lilian. for my fren to tell their significant other sue said this, this and this in her email is OK (as long as it is within reason) and totally different than letting the significant other read for themselves.

    i totally understand how u feel and i’m sorry u have to experience that. one of my egroup have similar problem too when the husband post an email to the group, all along we thought its from the wife. isn’t that sick? all girls stuff and the husband sibuk2 menyampuk plak tu.

  5. my case is exactly the same like sexymama. But it has happened a long time ago when we were coupling. Huge huge row to the extent of breaking up but fortunately he apologised and now he knows where i stand. good oso lah…

  6. Gotta elaborate more.. coz’ i still can’t see the pic clearly.
    For me and my spouse.. i donch care if he reads my email.. nor he with his.. better not to hide anything.. coz’ not good for the relationship lor.. 😉

  7. Mrs T – If it has been out in the open, then probably no problem at all. But what if the wife has been telling things about herself and you in returned shared yours to comfort her and the spouse gain access without permission and knowledge and blew his top? And you end up like you are the culprit poisoning his wife’s mind? That I am sure will make you mad? If the spouse read and make no fuss, then it is a non-issue.

    Narrowband – Wah, you very sporting wor. Sure you don’t mind your gf to keep peeking into all your mails? Checking if you are doing something behind her back? Even if you are not doing anything bad, it is still revolting, isn’t it?

    meow-meow – I think you agree with me that it is not merely invading privacy but more on mistrusts, right? And you, the other friend, end up as a bad guy.

    Sue – Cis, like that men also got? This kind, my mom called – men wearing skirt. Kaypoh in women’s things. I have a forum and we have one area where no man can gain access. It is sort of like our comfort zone.

    Sexymama – Hahaha, sexydad got sexymama so no need hanky-panky, one at home enuff liao. So, nothing to hide. LOL! But what if you write to me about having vagina thrush for e.g. explaining to me all the dirty details and I told you my hubby read every bits of it? You sure feel geli, right?

    Kenny – Yeah, deep down we have our own comfort zone, like in a lift, you do not want people to get too near you? That kinda thing. And if someone really want to get near, it does get annoying, isn’t it?

    Dhana – Ya, I believe as an individual, we must maintain some part of us as private to only us. And as a woman, I don’t think I want to be rule by a man, even if he is my spouse in such manner. Respect and trust are the keywords in getting a marriage to work in the long run.

  8. I think that this depends on the personality. When both parties agree to share, then this is fine. But if only one does not want to share, the other half has to respect it, rite? And sure, once the trust is broken, wow, tough to trust again.

  9. I wonder y tat hubby so busy to read wife’s email ler? is he less & less trust on his wife kah? soli i’m too stupid to understand this..maybe all happen due to comunication problem btw them???

  10. Noooo… no no no no no no noooOOOOO…. spouse or gf i belif to have my own space, everyone shud have their own lil secret it makes u a healthier person. Something are just best to remains as secret and personal space is just a way to say that u respected each other and u trust in them. 🙂 just my ampatpuhsen !!!

  11. i believe everyone should has their own space and privacy. if we have to let the partner know everything, then what left for us? the word secret will have no meaning after all.

  12. Yeah, of course I will be mad. But so far, my hubby and I try to be as transparent as possible with one another. No point hiding anything coz it’ll look really bad if one party finds out. So far, ok lor.

  13. Hi lilian. I’d like to think that my relationship with my SO is strong enough to stand the good and the bad in my personal emails, even if she read them all. I don’t usually keep secrets from my SO, though there are things that I would not go out of my way to tell her. No problems so far, for the last 24 years. 😉

    regards, sabre23t =^.^=

  14. Hi Sabre – Yeah, husband and wife should not be doing something so severely secretive that it may cause the relationship to break.

    bkworm – Agree.

    hazel – you are right, what else is secret then?

    Wingz – I need my own personal space too. It gives us a sense of pride, sort of like – I am still a person of my own, right?

    msau – Dunno why ler.

    Andreas – In a relationship that has gone bad, the best thing is not to find the whole truth. Some women I know went to the extend of digging out all the dirty pasts, hiring detective and found the husband in bed! So, in my personal opinion, I would rather not know so much than to have all these vivid images haunting me. Trust and trust alone.

  15. I sympathise, and agree that the above represent violations of trust and confidentiality.

    Whilst a man and his wife should ideally have no secrets between one another, I think it is important to recognise that confidences to one of the couple from a third party should be recognised by the non-confided partner. In other words, if someone (A) confides in – and specifically to – her best friend (B), for example, that friend’s husband (C) has no right to discover the information confided by (A) to (B) without explicit permission from the (A). But that’s just my opinion. 🙂

  16. I share the same opinion with MrsT, no problem sharing email or any other things, But I don’t have the time to read her emails, I don’t care if she reads mine don’t interesting ,lol

  17. Transparency is a myth, and so is absolute trust, in relationships/marriages, especially when use a lot of technology.

    You cannot – and SHOULD NOT – know everything there is to know about your spouse. Hinging your relationship’s security on the whole truth and nothing but the truth is not only naive, but dangerous as well. It is delusional. This is where maturity comes in.

    Having said that, there should be a ‘quota’ of honesty you need to fulfill. Lines must be drawn. This is where the LOVE comes in.

    Know that your wife doesn’t like you chatting with a so-and-so online? Stop it, then she won’t have to worry about checking your logs. Been bitching too much about your mother-in-law and scared that your a friend of a friend of a friend of your hubby may find out and tell him? Perhaps you should be talking to him first instead of only whining to friends.

    Striking the balance between being honest and maintaining some kind of privacy is the key to remaining sane in a relationship. Sad to say, not many people appreciate the value of the latter, equating knowledge to security (and power).

    I can tell u SO MANY ways one can track down a wayward husband/wife using his/her electronic trail, and 101 ways to cover these tracks as well.

    In the end, you wonder how it has come to that.

  18. Hubby trusts me.. he knows I’m still in touch with some exs and we do talk personal stuff (nag nag complaining stuff, general things) but he will never ask or want to look. I do the same.. We both appreciate that we have each other but sometimes we need to talk with others too. NO matter what I would feel very violated if anyone as much as read my mail or worse get access to my emails through dishonesty and then have the gall to yell at me for confiding in my friends.. I hope he reads this
    “DUDE, you ARE a creep.. you have no right to get into your wife’s email and worse get mad at her. You are lower than the worms belly!!!

  19. I’ve got a friend who had a bf that wants to exchange email passwords. No, he demands it. And she was okay with it. Which I personally think is downright stupid.

    I mean, what’s the bloody point? Yuck, man.. yuck.

  20. I think respecting each other’s privacy and personal space is very good in a relationship. So, no we don’t share passwords nor read each other’s mails. Once I gave Mr MG my password (I think it was during my post-pregnancy confinement month) cos I was too tired to check my emails so I told him to check for me. He was shocked. Haha. I told him, I have nothing to hide what and I trust him enuf to know that he would not violate my privacy even if he knows my password. Similarly, I would never dream of reading his mails even though I know he still keeps in touch with some of his ex. So what? He’s with me now not the ex.

  21. First let me say to the original author that they should be careful with e-mails and text messages. I once recieved a mass e-mailing that was supposed to be for only individual. It was about being fired. Somehow someone accidently pushed the wrong button and sent it out to the entire mailing list. Also, I once received a ver personal e-mail from a friend that was meant for a different (and apparently closer) friend of hers. Lastly, I would like to say that I miss the days of regular phones when I would at least have a chance to say hello and know my husbands friends and co-workers a little bit. I feel much more distant from him now that all his calls go through cell phone. It’s kind of ironic, but this online and cellular community has actually made me feel less connected to the people right around me.

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