What holds a marriage? Part 2

In Part 1, several guys whom had been married longer than me shared some humbling and enlightening thoughts. I will not analyse the feedbacks. Feel free to read through their comments.

Many individuals, dating couples and newly married couples may think that LOVE will be the answer. But in my opinion, love is the culprit. Women tend to measure how well a marriage is going by using ‘love’ as the yardstick. Unfortunately, ‘love’ can be a puzzling and confusing thing.

In any disagreements, women probably will end with the conclusion that all these quarrels, squabbles, misunderstandings, neglects etc etc is due to ‘You love me less/no more/very little/etc etc.

The marriage is greatly put the test when there is a critical illness in the family, like what my son went through and even more when there is a death in one of the children. I know at least 3 marriages broke up because of these stresses. Two bereaved fathers (my own relative and an ex-employer messed up the marriage by jumping from affairs to affairs.) Mine pull through, not owing to love alone but I would say, matured thinking, discipline and commitment.

Then, love can easily be manipulated too. Let’s admit that each spouse can easily fall in love with a third party. It happens all the time. So, it is back to discipline on the individual to stay away from the fire.

So, my conclusion is – love alone will not hold a marriage. Routine, responsibility, commitment, humour, tolerance, communication, discipline, children (ideally), common goals, respect and a never give up attitude. Well, aren’t all these BORING stuffs? Yeah, and that’s what marriage is all about. Therefore, don’t jump into a marriage with fairy tale expectations because one is gonna be real disappointed and will call it quits as soon as the honeymoon is over.

Oh ya, what about sex, finance, in-laws? Hahaha, those are marriage threats. Then, what are things that can spice up marriages? Urgggh…this will never end.

12 Replies to “What holds a marriage? Part 2”

  1. Quite true. Love has many definitions. You don’t make enough money to give me the lifestyle I want, therefore you don’t love me. You don’t share my interests, so you don’t love me. Etc Etc.

    The definition of love is such a vague concept. Everybody’s expectation and fantasy of it (it being marriage and love) is extremely diverse and the trick is to find the other partner with the same or similar definition of it. Even if not similar, understanding of each other’s love definitions would put many things to rest.

  2. Seeing all those criteria, i think i wll never get marry. Its so scary, just because i think i cannot promise anything to any girl that is with me.

  3. Well, there is romantic love and mature love. Romantic as seen in the movies type lah, with fireworks and “I will die for you.” or “I can’t live without you” kind of thing. The problem is when you first start to “pak tor” there is a small element of this and some ppl think this feeling will last forever. When they realise that it doesn’t, they jump from affair to affair to maintain the “high”. Marriages that last are those that don’t hold on to these romantic notions. Sp do sparks still fly in an ‘old’ relationship? Yah, during a fight. Hahaha. And I agree with you that the true test of a relationship is when the road is rocky not when its smooth.

  4. As usual well said.. Lilian,
    In any relationship.. it’s an uphill task.. and a marriage.. it’s even more tougher.
    It takes alot.. to hold the marriage together.. not just love or money or any one thing alone.

  5. Yes, Li, it is.

    Mrs T – Glad you agree with me.
    MG – Wow, your views are very chim also.

    Mr Kiasu – Wait, wait, I will tell you why it is worth it. Don’t resign yourself to a life of bacherhood yet. LOL!

    JC – Glad you get what I am trying to say. Love as a word can be deceiving. But true love goes deeper and it is not like what we see on TV, movies etc.

  6. cant remember the verse and all it says, but love is patience, kindness, longsuffering (and I cant recall the rest). no mention of it being a feeling. longgggsuffering….must be a masochist to be in lurve…;)

  7. I hope you don’t come up with a trilogy with this sappy love thing. Firstly, Mr. Kiasu sounds like Lillian Too ( “I oso put my money in US dolah, Japanese Yen, Sterling Pound etc., etc) with a “Marriage has a 50%-50% chance of breaking/being successful” line: Basically he’s got all the bases covered.
    If the causes of a divorce boils down to “abusive spouse or infidelity”, a lot of marriage councillors will have closed shops.
    Despite all the good intentions and advices, the sanctity of a marriage cannot be hammered together by some formulaic numbers, or popping 2 tablets as prescribed by Moses (10 commandments), and hope the troubles will go away in the morning.
    It’s easier said: “practise give-and-take”. Without the taker realizing what the giver gives, it sounds hollow. Last Saturday my father-in-law busted out like a can of shaken coke after 50 odd yrs. of “neo”ing the mother-in-law in front of guests at a dinner table. Sometimes, you’ve got to be “cruel to be kind” (quoting Mike Lowe).
    “Sex, finance, in-laws” are marriage threats? They can be saving graces too.
    It would be interesting to hear what Mrs. T can expound on her 1st. statement though. Liulian, all the “pinging” has gone to your head, I think; you’re beginning to sound like our MPs or our “yang-bo-ho-bak”.

  8. Mike – Let’s see it this way. I wrote based on my own experiences, how I manage. I did not call you over to come, read, believe and practice. Anyway, I do learn a lot from the feedbacks from those whom are married for longer than me. We agree that many of these virtues help. So, is there a problem? As for Mrs T, I will not pry because it is her own private matter. Whether the pinging has gone to my head or not, I am not sure. But why does it seems like it gets on your nerves?

    Mrs B – That verse, I made a little pic with it on Valentine’s Day, the day I started this blog. The love we know as Christians certainly helps but sometimes, in our human nature, I tend to forget it applies in ALL, and not only love for neighbours, enemies etc.

    thquah – Do you agree that this come with age too? I know I am not so cool headed when I was younger. LOL!

  9. Didn’t mean to start a flame, and won’t try to pry into Mrs. T’s life; just noticed that what she was saying was tangent to your reflection if I’m not wrong. If you’re only inviting comments that are “agreeable” to you then I apologise for not understanding the rules of engagement.

  10. My friend gave me the url to your interesting topic about marriage. Having read most of the comments I have to say that I agree with both Mr Kiasu’s comment that ‘marriage has a 50%-50% chance of breaking/being successful’ as well as Lilian’s ‘One has to be absolutely, 100% sure that one is ready to commit their whole life to the other person’.

    Let me tell you why. What I have learn from my mum (the great guru) is that you can only control your own movements, thoughts, speeches and etc. and not the other party.
    As an individual you can choose to commit yourself 100% to your marriage but how can you be sure that your partner would do the same ? What happens if your parner falls out ? That would still make the marriage a 50%-50% chance of survival.

    To those who’s marriages lasted, you are the most luckiest person on earth. All the best to newly weds, married couples and to those who plan to get marry as well !

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