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Auntie Long Hair divorced but with lame excuse.

This is turning into a gossip column. But I truly hope we can learn some lesson from someone else misfortune. After all, what good is a misfortune if we do not learn anything from it, right?

Read my previous story on Auntie Long Hair (ALH).

On Tuesday when I was dragging a luggage, carrying a cooler box, bolster and backpacks with both hands and shepherding my toddler with my leg, I thought I saw her. But as I said, I was shepherding a 2 yrs old toddler with my leg so I can’t be really sure as I need eye-leg coordination. You know, using the spare leg to guide him to walk in a straight line and not out into the middle of the road?

We were on our way to KL. In the car, I told one of my son that “I thot I thaw a puddy tat”. It was just a glimpse because by the time I really check if it was her, she had disappeared into thin air (or walked into a road that does NOT lead to her apartment).

Yet, it bothers me. I spooked myself with “What if it is not a person but a spirit that I saw?” You know what I mean? A soul returning to check on her 3 years old daughter?

Imagine when I told her family that I saw her and they told me that she is ‘no longer here’? Then, I will be like the boy in Sixth Sense. So, throughout Tuesday till Friday, I was pretty disturbed. After all, she is a neighbour and her three children are about the same age as mine. It is unusual that she did not come up to me when she saw me lugging the bags and toddler because that’s what she would normally do. Asking about each other and stuffs like that. Instead, she practically disappeared into thin air.

So, when I got back on Friday, I was dying of curiousity. It so happened that my immediate neighbour was around and I asked her. She whispered to me about the bad D word. My immediate neighbour told me that she actually got it out from ALH’s son who mixed with her own son. She also told me that ALH did phone her (or vice versa, I don’t know) and said she left because of her mother-in-law.

Now, this got me pissed. Because no sane woman ought to leave her children just because of a soon-to-expire- mother-in-law. (Don’t get anal ‘cos fact is old people do die, ok?) She had been the full-time mom, caring for her kids. Taking them to tuition, school, kindy, cooking for them and practically lives for them. The 3 yrs old daughter is very clingy to her mom too.

I know this blog is read by a few and two or three are women whom had gone through a divorce. But please let me rant. Hope you agree with my reasons. If not, please forgive my naivety and lack of wisdom. Whack me if you must, but please be gentle ya?

My reasonings why ALH shouldn’t do what she did:

ALH lives in a different apartment unit from her MIL.

ALH never have to do anything because her MIL has her FIL and both are still able-bodied.

It is not like her MIL whacks her with a whip to do the house chores because her MIL has a part-time cleaner.

Her children are still small.

They have a comfortable home, all renovated and nice.

Her husband returns home on the same time each day (ruling out any third parties) and they eat out during weekends, plus doing all other typical family activities.

So, I guessed ALH is just passing the buck to the MIL.

Hate me for saying this but this is how I feel about divorces. Even if I am in an abusive marriage, I would never, ever leave the home which means leaving the children. I had often warned mothers never ‘run away’ when the going gets tough because women are usually on the losing end of a divorce. Your ex-husband can take custody of the children and accuse you of being an unfit mother. Say I am in that vulnerable position, I will probably seek help from every sources I can find. Forget about ‘face water’, forget about everything. Seek help. Michael Chong is da man!

I don’t accept excuses from women who said ‘oh, after so many years and so many kids, I just realised that he is not the man for me’. Pttui! I would say that after so many years and so many kids, you just got too gatal and you needed a new batang to scratch the itch. And if it is the man who cheats, well, it is still not good enough reason for a mother to leave her children. I guess it must be hellish to endure a marriage like that but when small kids are involved, a woman has to sacrifice a lot. That includes eating her own heart.

Well, once upon a time, I garnered enough courage to tell a doctor that if he can takes my life (heart/lung) and give it to my son just so that he can lives, I would gladly do so. What I am saying is – I don’t even mind death just for the sake of my children.

In truth, I always find it hard to not partially blame the women whom got separated. I know this is very, very wrong but so far, I had not been able to take the side of the wives. Well, probably if they have grown children and not leaving them in an empty home, all routine topsy-turvy, then, I find it bearable. But to run off just so that you can find ‘ happiness’, well, that is selfish. And if she does that with another man, I want to give her a bitch slap. Whack her with my wooden clogs or something.

In the end, I really do not know why ALH has to leave. But I hope it is not because of her MIL. And I hope it has nothing to do with the man I saw her with. Please let him be the brother or something. Not what I think. And thank God, I had the decency not to ask ALH’s husband where she was. I am also glad that ALH must had actually tried to escape from facing me last Tuesday. I hope I don’t bumped into her anytime soon because it is just plain silly for a woman with a home, three small children and a husband to throw all that away.

God, bless all the families in difficulties, grant the mothers the patience and wisdom to endure hardships in life so that they can bring up their children in a loving home. Lord, help them to turn to You alone when they seek love. Give us wives and mothers, the sanctification of a holy matrimony, not clouded by infidelity, misunderstandings and most of all, a forgiving nature towards our spouses. Amen!

As I said, to those women whom had separated, please forgive me if you find my views horribly skewed. I know there are millions of single mothers out there. Children do grow up normally with single parents. But there are cases where a little patience on BOTH the couple sides will secure a better and happier future for the children. Arggh…just don’t flame me, ok? I would do anything just for my kids’ sake so I am a bit mean, sometimes.




23 Responses to “Auntie Long Hair divorced but with lame excuse.”

  1. I am not married or separated but I do think that your views are horribly skewed.

    I know you don’t mean it but it’s people like you who promote this kind of view that causes many women in abusive marriages to stay in the marriage. Because they are supposed to. And they suffer needlessly because of persecution from people who think like you.

    You ask a woman to forgive her cheating husband yet you yourself want to bitch slap her if she cheats? What kinds of morals are you preaching here? Men should be forgiven but woman should not?

    You think a woman should stay with an abusive man, a man who might even eventually abuse the children themselves. What kind of person thinks that?

    I don’t know if you are a Christian. You sound like one. So if you are, the Bible asks you not to judge and not to throw the first stone. You are not in ALH’s position and you don’t even know the details, yet you judge nonetheless .. just like you judge all single women.

    I’ve known friends of mine whose husbands have thrown boiling oil on them and inserted forks up their vaginas who cannot be convinced to leave their husbands because of brainwashing from people like you. I have one friend whose 6-yr old daughter had been beaten and raped by the husband/father. If she had left with her children, this would have been avoided.

    I think if you want to propagate your sick thinking, you are also in a small part responsible to what happened to that little girl.

    You don’t need to respond to my comment because I never want to come back to your blog again. I have never flamed anyone on their blogs. You are the first and it is so you make me so SICK, I want to throw up.

    For your children’s sake, please think through your opinions before you make them. If you can’t, then you will feed your sick opinions into your children and they will grow up and make the world a worse place then it was before. That means you are or will be a failure as a mother.

    I need to go calm down before I hit someone in place of you.

  2. She has anotherv guy for sure. I know of two cases (1 Malaysian , 1 Singaporean) who left their kids in a divorce ( so that the children dont hamper their chances with new boyfriends )and ran off to marry angmohs.

  3. romantic – That’s my point. I guess our fren up there (point to above comment) needs to get her head clear first. I said, if leave, leave with the kids together. But usually, some families, especially the Chinese will never allow the daughter-in-law to run off with their heirs. So, when life gets too hard to bear, they go off on their own. What will happen to the kids, their routine, their safe haven?

  4. 5xmom: HAHAHAHA…LOL!LOL!LOL! (clap clap clap)…am I bad or what ? I was cheering for the Agjunkie comment ! OMG…kao latt the chic flame you just because different opinion! I hope you no pulling your own hair now and scream “what a bxxch!…too long never kena diu ah?” ! LOL! LOL! LOL!

    Anyway…..(I was going to write something but tak boleh tahan.. LOL!..keep laughing.. LOL!..give me some time to recover…LOL!…I promise I will come to your defend later….meanwhile…LOL! LOL! LOL!)

  5. Hmm… Why ALH shy away from you ah? Hmm…

    *scratch scratch chin and tap tap tap toes ala detective style*

    *ting*

    AHA! I KNOW LIAO!!!

    *look suspiciously at atm*

    *RUNNNNNNN~~~*

  6. agjunkie:
    Be fair a bit la! Just because you disagree with Lilian’s point of view does not mean her view is “sick thinking” and she will be a failure as a mother.

    You said you will not come back to this blog anymore after leaving the comment sounds like someone who left their children behind when during divorce la.(sounds familiar leh?)

    I think you have misunderstood Lilian’s view; she won’t want a divorce cause she is afraid of leaving the kids with the abusive man but she didn’t say she will be sitting home waiting for the hubby to beat the shit out of her and insert fork up her vagina. Seriously, I don’t agree with Lilian’s opinion either but I think the extend that she is willing to go through to sacrifice for her kids deserves a better comment than yours.

  7. This ALH chun or not ? If chun maybe the Man you saw with her is the “khai-kah-kong”. But nowadays chun or not chun also can have KKK…LOL !

    Anyway, Lin Peh think the reason woman usually “need to” forgive the gatal lanjiao but man cannot forgive the gatal chi-bye is because there are more men than woman in this world. If the ratio must be kept at 1LJ for every 1 CB, Many CB will be left gatal, wet and lonely, mana ada adil ? Please don’t chi-bye flame me about it. OK ? LOL !

  8. 2 side to a coin .. Lilian.. 🙂
    And as usual my 2 cents worth .. 🙂
    As we all know .. a woman who is married rarely leaves their husband unless .. there is a very good reason for it. Of course got children lagi difficult lah.. and for those who leave their children behind.. well.. they must have a heart of stone. Because i can never leave my brat .. behind.
    Having said that… a woman may leave the husband even if he was faithful.. come back the same time..and go out makaning during weekends.. if the hubs is an asshole. Those asshole things he does.. that you cannot see nor hear about. And i’m not even talking about physically abusing the woman.
    I know so.. because i left a 10 yrs relationship. Painful as it may be… it was necessary to keep my sanity.

  9. MamaBoK – Yeah, I agree with you ‘cos I for one will definitely not short-change myself. I really encourage women to call it quits especially before marriage and without kids. I mean, we have every right to feel good with our life and not owe them to some men, right. That’s why a woman gotta have self-esteem, confidence, know where she stands, fight for her right (in a snakey, cunning way, not screaming blardy murder kind) and know how to negotiate out of a bad relationship. But for you, glad that you really, really have a great life with your brat and your PapaBok and your in-laws.

    Lin Peh – Wuah, you not afraid she go to your blog and scream at you meh? Say you sexist, chauvinist and every words she can think of? Oh well, I do get people like these once in a while. They only see what they want to see and make up their own assumptions. Thank you for speaking hor? I wonder whom she beat up in my place. Some poor man, I think.

    doc – OI, OI, come back!!!! You think this is Wah Lai Toi drama hor? But frankly, at the rate the si-lais are watching WLT, soon these will be their reality. Too much TV blur the visions, whether they are Ah Lim Soh or Nancy Sit, they also forget liao. Hahaha.

  10. Hey..Lilian,
    I wouldn’t say . really, really great life lah.. 😉
    In any relationship.. it is an uphill task.. moreso.. if such an intimate relationship… between two person who shares the same bed every nite.. and have a kid together. I think tolerance is very important.. but in my case. it is Papa BoK who suffers all my idiosyncrasies.. kekkkeee!!
    But both Papa BoK and I.. are sensible ppl and we both can hold a conversation without having the other person accusing the spouse of “being too smart lah… i cannot win you one lah..” that kinda destructive conversation… can make you wanna bang your head on the wall.. and doesn’t resolve anything.
    So you get a hint as to why i left my 10 yrs relationship right..?? he was driving me nuts..!!

  11. No problem la Lilian…Lin Peh see friend kena flame, Lin Peh no “shong” Lin Peh help a bit la. Anyway, if anyone come hoot my blog u better come tolong tolong also.. ok ? This is the “Kong Hoo” punya rule la ! Or…like what Engrish said: You scratch my balls I scratch your chi-bye 🙂 LOL !

  12. wah, this agjunkie sounds very bitter wor, and so harsh.

    Leaving a marriage should be an absolute last resort. And I will never leave without my children.

    And AMEN to your prayer.

  13. king’s wife – Biasa ler. They just need to find someone to bash, so I conveniently come along mah kena lor.

    mamabok – Ya, I guess it is pointless to waste our life over someone not deserving. It is tough…balancing between an individual, being a wife and a mother.

    LinPeh – Sure, anytime. Call me and I bring wok and I tumbuk cili padi with belacan and come to your rescue! LOL. I like to help people api-api but I never allow my api to naik on my own blog. Jatuh standard only. Never pull myself to these trolls level.

  14. I grew up with my dad and never knew my mom till I was 17. Growing up wondering what had happened and what were the reasons…although I was always being assured that it had nothing to do about me but no matter how normal I grew up to be, there is always a missing part in my life. Although the last time I wrote here that I disagree with divorce, someone said that children who grow up in unhealthy abusive family are worse off. I totally agree with his views. And if anyone is going to argue about parents being individuals and should not be tied down to their kids, I also agree. Yet, the core thing is, divorce should never be taken as the shortcut to any problems. It is a decision that you need to really think over and over again. Since you are a parent, life is not all about you anymore.

    By the way, I think ‘agjunkie’ doesn’t really understand the freedom of speech. Just because she doesn’t agree, that does not give her the right to start calling the thoughts of others as sick. Come on, if you are saying, we should not judge others, what are you doing then? Its like the pot calling the kettle black or vice versa…

  15. Hi,

    I am one of your ‘anonymous’ blog readers … I generally do not comment on blogs, but this topic of yours caught my attention. Actually, I do know someone who is in a domestic unrest, I would like to know your opinion, of what you would do as a good friend in my place.

    Mr. A and Mrs. A met many many years ago while working together. After a whirlwind romance they got married. Mrs. A’s family and friends could not accept Mr. A into the family for the following reasons:

    1. He talks too much about how great he is
    2. He lies too much about himself
    3. He presumes too much of his ‘greatness’ in the eyes of others
    4. He is violent
    5. He is an alcoholic
    6. He borrows money from anyone and everyone who would lend an ear
    7. He ‘forgets’ to return them
    8. He goes from job to job, gets fired often
    9. He makes himself at home where he is not wanted

    … I think you get the general idea

    Mrs. A decided he was ‘great’ enough to leave her friends and family behind and went ahead and married him. Within a short span of a month or so, Mrs. A was impregnated by Mr. A. Mrs. A’s family panicked and advised her not to have the child (religion not an issue here) as they (Mr & Mrs A) is emotionally, mentally and financially insecure. Mrs A’s response “It’s none of your friggin’ business.” Mr A’s parents were overjoyed and encouraged Mrs A to keep the child, and told them she would lend her full support in the care of the child. And so little B was born. Mr. and Mrs. A worked at this time. Hence, little B stayed with a nanny who agreed to take the child overnight from Mon-Fri. As money was a problem, Mrs A went home to get money from her parents every now and then, telling them about it being a “loan” which was never returned. Mrs A’s family generously supplied her with all the baby’s needs almost every other week.

    As time wore on, marital discontent got worse and worse … Mr. and Mrs. A have very violent fights. Mrs. A runs away from their home every now and then, and Mr. A will call up Mrs. A’s family and/or friends in the middle of the night to report that Mrs. A has run away, putting them in a state of panic.

    The nanny called Mr & Mrs A’s respective family every now and then complaining that the child has been left with her for months without the parents coming over to see him, they haven’t paid her, etc etc… Eventually, the child was sent to live with Mr A’s parents.

    But Mrs. A refuses to leave Mr. A despite being advised to, due to the unpredictability and immaturity of the relationship that is more damaging to both sides than loving. Because of the child? No, because she loves him. This dragged on for about 5 years after the birth of the child. Mrs. A finally decided to leave Mr. A and went home to her parents. It appears she decided he wants to leave him behind so much, she left the child too. It appears that Mr. A didn’t bother much about the child either and left him with his parents. His parents doesn’t want the child too it appears, his mom was begging the extended family to take the child off her because she was “sick”.

    The child has since been adopted by loving parents. Mr and Mrs A has since separated for the past 3 years but yet to obtain a divorce.

    How would you advise Mr and Mrs A?

  16. Lilian you are expressing your beliefs and thoughts on what is the role of a wife/mother and how much she should sacrifice for her children. 🙂 That is your beliefs and I respect that…. as long as you dun judge everyone according to your prescribed standard lar… lol

    Everyone has their ideals. (ideal man, ideal wife, ideal mother..) But, to set our own ideals as standard, is another story. But the thing is… if, I say IF, there is a standard that exists, it is only viable if everyone adheres to the standard. (the acceptable general consensus agreed by most, if not all) Therefore, if it is not acceptable/forgiveable for a woman/wife to stray, it then should not be acceptable either for a man/husband to stray. It is not fair for any one gender to shoulder a heavier load then the other.

    On the issue of parents staying together for the sake of their children, I think many are confused and mistaken. Two individuals fullfilling their obligation to stay together merely for the sake of the children do not necessarily equal a loving family. Children need a family, not merely parents who do not love one another but are just living together under one roof for the sake of the children. From personal experience I can tell you… there is nothing worse than living together with parents who fight all the time!!

    Cheers!!

  17. I totally agree with Helen…
    We love our children, so it’s important to give them a loving environment to grow up, even if it means growing up with just only the father or the mother.

    It’s important to try to work on the marriage, but if it doesn’t help after trying, and the quarrelling and fighting continues, it’s best to be separated and let the child lives in a loving and pieceful environment.

  18. Dear AL, this is my 1st post here.My parents separated 24 years ago.It is better for me & my siblings.We managed to grow up with university degrees & now hold good jobs. For the problems of Mr A & Mrs A, these are examples of irresponsible parents in this modern days.I think it is better off for the child to be with a loving adoptive parents who loves the child unconditionally.Romantic love alone is not enough to raise a family.My childhood was a very sad one. Sometimes with no dinner or breakfast because my useless father spent all my mother’s hard earn money on alcohol & gambling. Until today, I feel that it is better that he choose to leave. No more gambling debts, no more loan sharks to knock on our doors and we can sleep peacefully.It is embarassing to beg for food or money when we are young.But all three of us are lucky that our school have free food programmes during recess time and we also qualify for exam fees aid from our school.But most of all, I know that God has kept an eye for me and my siblings because as a child we pray hard to God to bring us out of poverty.I am sure God has not forgotten Mr & Mrs A child too. He is better off with a loving family even though they are not their biological parents. God Bless.

  19. SingleParentChild – I am so touched with your sharings. Ideally, every one of us have the back-up in God in pulling them through. I believe if we turn to Him, we would find the way.

    zara’s mom and helen – I hope both of you did not get confused with agjunkie’s input. What I said was, leave but do so only after you have secured a safe and secured future for the kids. Don’t just run off because the children will suffer if the father is irresponsible. The mother will usually lost custody of her children. And I had asserted through my comment to MamaBok that all women deserve a good life, not being in fear of an abused spouse. When I use the abusive spouse example, I am illustrating the kind of sufferings I would endure (touch wood, not) just so that I can secure a future. I certainly would not leave my kids behind and ended up with my 6 yrs old daughter being rape!

  20. AL – I had someone whose daugther was taken away from her due to mental illness. She is a single parent (without identifying the father). She committed suicide and at the end of her days, she kept sms-ing me to take care of her daughter.

    Then, I had two relatives who jumped-the-gun and eventually screwed up like Mr. & Mrs. A. One of the mother had died. The other, the father had left home several times because one of their child is disabled.

    So, comparing my friend who died, these two young couples and some other personal encounters, I do have many things to ponder over.

    Then, I have another friend whose only daughter died and she finally adopted a baby not of her race. She prayed so hard for the adoption.

    Now, I would say, the child belonging to Mr. & Mrs. A are better off with a loving family. Better still if they can get a formal adoption. Usually, this is not easy.

    As for Mr. & Mrs. A, well what can I say? I had seen some related people to me committed suicide over the slightest matter, forgetting their responsibilities. Things happen, nothing much can be done. Situations like these usually needs very patient elders (parents/older siblings) and God’s grace.

    I know it is very frustrating when you see the people around you being miserable yet we cannot do anything much. Usually, I turn to God. Ask Him to remove me from feelings so much, not to carry burdens which aren’t mine and ask God to help them. This may sounds like asking God to make me a little ‘un-feeling’ but then, sad fact is, sometimes, we can only do so much.

    I wish the little child have a good future and may Mr. & Mrs. A find their own paths, the best for them.

  21. mythought – I used to have a fren. She is on the wild side, had a child of 7 yrs old. She sometimes forgot her duty. Her little son would phone me and another friend in the office and tell us he hasn’t got food to eat. This fren of ours, meantime, were having some good time with her clients (she is in sales). We can’t fault her because I was young then and didn’t care so much for a little boy who called up that he is hungry. (all I did was ask him to find anything edible and eat) Now that I am a parent, I tell you. If I get that kind of call, I will probably slap my fren. It goes with life experiences. At this moment when I am writing this, I still get teary eye, remembering the boy’s words. He is probably in his 20s now.

    So, I am sorry if sometimes, I did not manage to cover all my bases in one single posting. Whatever I wrote are usually gleaned from many of my past experiences. Sometimes, I am only thinking of one incident, referring to one person and accidentally cause many others some ill-feelings.

    Like agjunkie, I am sure she must be traumatised from a lot of bad experiences and hence, do get overboard with her thoughts.

  22. […] Then, rewind back to the time when I was driving to church this evening. I felt such joy when I saw my recently divorced neighbour and his son with a Bible each, in their hands going somewhere. There is something positive about it because the circumstances earlier was rather bad. He is doing so well with the three kids, all about the same age as my children. Washing their clothes and stuffs like that. Each time I see that, I know that sometimes, wives aren’t that important, no? Life still goes on, whether they are there or not. Christ is their anchor now, I am sure. […]

  23. […] I checked my old post (where the wife was out with another man) and then, (eventually left her three kids and husband) and noticed that it has been five years since the wife left. And I am happy the man has found a […]