On the 7th day of Chinese New Year, Vincent fell sick and was hospitalised. I remembered spending the 9th day of Chinese New Year at Lam Wah Ee, wishing I was home to pray the heavenly god. I was a Taoist then, and yeap, mother-in-law assigned the duty to me too.
I used to pray with whole suckling pig, sugar canes, table top on chairs, etc etc. So, it was pretty shitty that I had to be in the hospital listening to firecrackers instead of at home burning 8-foot long red crackers myself.
At that time, Vincent was warded in the normal first class room and I was begging the nursing matron to assign him to HDU. (High dependency unit) You see, first class room is the same price as HDU. In HDU, they have to assign 1.5 nurses (i.e. one full time nurse stationed in the room and another nurse helping out) to take care of him plus there are other monitoring equipment. Whilst in the first class room (located far far away from the nurses station), I had to make sure that my son was breathing all the time. When I was at home, his father helped out at night to check on him but in the hospital, I had to take full responsibilities.
More fast forwards, I fought and fought against the hospital system to get my son warded in HDU because I was practically dead from trying to sleep and check on him. Finally, after many arm-twisting, including writing to the hospital superintend, he was warded in HDU.
One thing leads to another, he never got out of the hospital, transferred to ICU and eventually UMMC in KL. So, it was a road of no return.
2003 Chinese New Year – I was pregnant with Matthew. God’s grace again. I was not keen to celebrate because my heart still pain-pain from the previous incident. I remembered feeling so bad when one of my relative brought along a new baby.
2004 Chinese New Year – damn, I can’t remember what happened. Was it the year I moved in to my current apartment? Is it the year KS Tang came to my house?
2005 Chinese New Year – I fell into another deep, blue mood and wanted to escape to Perhentian. But got caught to celebrate it at my sis-in-law’s home.
2006 Chinese New Year – I am going to put all the above into the past and start life anew. No more Vincent and his relations to Christmas and Chinese New Year. That was the only times he spent at home. I had done Christmas and now, I am going to do Chinese New Year. Dong-dong-chiang!
So, there, got it out of my system.
kiong hee kiong hee 🙂
This is an inspiring post. I do pray that by pouring it out, you will be set free. Whenever we read people’s tragedy, we feel for them. We feel sad for them and some even shed a tear for them… but, I know deep inside, this is nothing compared to the emotions the person who has to go through the trauma felt. Many times we think we understand…. but, we simply have no means to comprehend the pain the other person had gone through.
So, I will not try to even imagine your pain and the courage it took for you to take this big step. All I want to say is ” May this CNY brings much joy and Happiness to you and your family!!”
When i saw the title, i told myself… finally, someone like me who hate chinese new year. After i read ur post, im soo sorry for what u r going tru. My trauma, started nearly 20 years ago, when i start learn how to cook from my mum. Since then until now, i woke up at 5 am on every chinese new year just to help my mum cook for my father’s relative who so pandai only know how to come, ctriticise me and my mum and eat and leave and i end up have to clean up their dishes as well… me and my mum are like maid during chinese new year… non stop working until the 5th day of CNY.. so that my reason hating cny so much
Kiong Hi Huat Chai… Ang pao Giak laii…. hohoho Every year is a new experience and hope its getting better.
not 2005 meh?
🙂 Nice to know that you have let it go. But at the same time, Vincent will always be close to your heart. *hugs*
good one…
we should always look forward …
GONG XI FA CAI to u
hehehehe
good post
Good for you .. .Lilian..!! i certainly .. admire your courage.. and that you are sharing all these with us.. 🙂
It has somehow made me stronger.. to face my own lost.. and maybe.. one day. .someday soon.. i can share mine with everyone.. 🙂