Misyar marriage – Like that oso can ah?

misyar marriage, a matrimonial pact where the man need not give his wife any material support  “ like money or clothing  “ except provide for her sexual needs.

  • a suggestion by Universiti Malaya lecturer Prof Datuk Dr Mahmud Zuhdi Abdul Majid to recognise such marriages in Malaysia in view of the increasing number of unmarried women in the country.
  • Kelantan Mentri Besar Datuk Nik Aziz Nik Mat, who supported the idea, said such a marriage was allowed in Islam on the condition that consent is obtained from the woman who is willing to enter into this matrimonial pact.
  • those who supported the idea were Assoc Prof Kamil Abdul Majid, head of the academy’s dakwah department and Maimunah Omar, chairman of the Terengganu Single Mothers’ Association.

The above are taken from The Star. I don’t think I am in the position to refute this or make fun of it as it is said;

such a marriage was allowed in Islam

Well, I do know a few elderly Muslim women who did allow their husbands to take a second wife. For Chineses, last time, during our grandpas time, polygamy is considered a status symbol. If the wife can’t bear him sons, she may allow him to get another production line. There are many graves here that have three ‘holes’, i.e. the man and his two wives. So, I shall not argue or debate about this publicly.

However……..I do wonder if women can live without sex? I mean, if they had chosen not to be married, would they turn to vice just for sexual release? What is vice here? Zina? I.e. married couples who have sex with other people. Or are they talking about unmarried women who turned to prostitution for sexual release? Well, I don’t know, you tell me. Because, I believe a woman is more into love, care, attention than sex. She wants another woman’s husband because she wants the attention, care, love and the whole package.

What I wish now is to have Dr. M and his sharp tongue. I know he would shoot this proposal down. In the first place, I don’t think those goons would even dare to think and say it loud. I admire that man, I really do. No one stood up for women like Dr. M. Pak Lah, please do something lah!
Read this article by a Muslim woman on Islamonline. And further explanation on misyar marriage:

Misyar is described as a form of marriage in which the wife gives up her rights offered under the religion, including the right to have the husband living with her in the same house and providing her with necessary expenses. In short the woman gives up the right to have an independent home. The husband may come to see her at her parent’s home at whatever time he chooses for himself, or at a time agreed by the two.

Wow, what does that make of the children from these marriages? I just had to say this, ‘Think with your head, the one with the brain. In trying to counter vice, you are asking the nation to approve a law that allows a man to father children all over without having to bear any financial responsibilities? Hellooo…..the Arabs women maybe filthy rich ‘cos their parents have oil wells. Think? We are in Malaysia lah!”

40 Replies to “Misyar marriage – Like that oso can ah?”

  1. **shake head**

    I guess the next proposal would be asking the women to pay the men for sexual gratification. Ridiculous!!!

  2. That professor would be promoted to Dean and later Vice Chancellor very soon, for his very deep research and recommendations on something that would change the structure of society and bring relief to thousands of unmarried muslim women.

  3. i’ve written abt this in my blog. is misyar really to ‘help’ women or men?

    like you said, women wants love, care and affection. and they have better career and pay now.

    it is the opposite for men. some can’t afford the expenses for marriage and hantaran (wedding gift). no money, no marriage, no wife, no legal sex.

    with misyar, they can have 4 wives now. IF there are women who will accept them.

  4. It’s like legalising adultery.
    If a woman wanted sex, she can go buy a vibrator, probably more satisfying than some men can be. But what to do? it’s the men who come up with ridiculuos ‘laws’ like these. This isn’t marriage.

  5. I think those who do not know about Islam or its rulings (referring to the commenters) shouldnt be talking about its laws without knowledge. Here, let me help you with the answer:

    http://blog.menj.org/2006/05/29/marriage-by-misyar/

    What if the couple has a child, you ask? Then the misyar contract is broken and the father resumes full responsibilites again. That is how marriage in Islam works. We dont legalise prostitution or ask the wife to indulge in the sin of masturbating, we do it the legal, Islamic way.

    – MENJ

  6. I have seen alot of this problem arise, and due to women nowadays having high status (of doctors etc) that the men are ‘scared’ to marry them, mainly of the egoistic feelings and uncertainty of not being able to support the wife due to her higher earnings making him useless etc.

    I remember alot of occasions, way before I got married that some of these professionals were willing to share a husband who is kind,loving and reliable rather than picking a single-mingle who are likely to be a)Mat Rempit b)Mat Fit c)Gatal.

    Misyar marriage eventually relates to Mutaah where in the medieval times, Tribes and Factions were at war and men were running short, thus the allowance of 4 wives at a go. Nowadays, it’s sadly for the fulfilment of lust by both men and women.

    I am not a good guy myself, but having to see that while I was dating X, her friend Y tried to ‘POTONG JALAN’ and eventually,Z came to the picture and then…they came of the idea of sharing etc…cos they rather be friends than lose everything,their feelings etc. Which eventually, all three were dumped cos I felt like I was just a G******!

    Masturbation is Islam carries a very heavy punishment,not by Mankind but by God and His Angels where the Angels Curse on the person for a long while.I thought it was a joke but really… if one does that… Bad luck follows.

    Alas,the need to Fast. Not just the tummy and thirst, but of lust and wants. Just like the Christians do with Lent and Abstainence. To pure one self of the world’s desires. Which come to a quote (Sunnah) of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH):
    ‘There are three things I like of my followers:
    Siwak (brushing your teeth)
    Wearing Fragrance (cos we stink?)
    Marriage (So that the population grow)’

    That those who can,please get married,
    Those who can’t afford, please fast your needs.
    Those who are forbidden (due to sickness etc), Don’t at all.

    That is my POV, and sadly, please think it thru as a human and with rationale, not of the mind.

    Even Buddha & Confucious relates to people who say without thinking deep is just a great fool.

    Bless you all

    http://www.azrin.net

  7. Polygamy is not new. It makes me laugh when we mere mortals(animals too!) try to make more rules and laws to justify or legalise our stand points or wht comes naturally.
    The keyword is acceptance. Is it acceptable to all parties concerned? What happens if the table is turned???
    Is there a discrepancy between the common laws of the land and the laws of Islam or other faiths.
    IMHO, keep life simple n b self-content.

  8. Azrin: what’s the definition of mat rempit and mat fit ah?

    but thanks for your sharing. I never knew that Islam forbids masturbation until now (any reason why?)…and LOL at ur G***** xperience! 😀

  9. is adultery and illicit affairs among women so blardy rampant in our country that we have to resort to this kind of marriage? i concur fully with azrin.

    “That those who can,please get married,
    Those who can’t afford, please fast your needs.
    Those who are forbidden (due to sickness etc), Don’t at all.”

  10. One was looking back, and remember the People of Lut? That God commanded the Angels to destroy it and the sight of the destruction makes Lut fainted?

    One was reading and understanding that without this understanding of love and care, that Homosexual and Lesbianism will prevail and we shall are being worse off.

    I feel sorry for those professionals who are already in the 30s and can’t settle down cos of their ‘status’ and likewise, I had friends in both situations, and feel pity to them.

    And I really feel pity to those doctors who have to settle for any man that comes along, even if he is a fisherman or even a rubbish collector. That sad look in the husband’s eye that whatever he do can’t satisfy the wife makes me so sad, but they have the happiest of families, cos the wife eventually understands and helps out with the upkeeping etc.

    That my people, is not dayus, but of shared-responsibility.

    Alas, I have to say, that what comes around,goes around.If you steal someone else’s lover, Someone else will steal yours back, so, sharing may not be that bad. At least you take turns to babysit? After all,the children are still yours, as how you love the man, as the man will always love the kid. Sometimes, I kinda pour my love to the kid more than the wife that we nicknamed the little one as “QUEEN-CESS TIA,The Everything”.

    Sooi Sooi- Mat Rempit is those HondaCub Illegal Racers who race around between Bkt Jalil to Bt 3 Shah Alam in KL (trying to commit suicide),and Mat Fit is Drug Addicts aka Mat Serenti.

  11. helen : CANNOT LAH. If woman pay, man will become gigolo. ROFL.

    Wuching : /kick Wuching axx, misyar is for muslim only.

  12. Whoa!!!! That’s a lot of things to digest. I have a few things I want to point out.

    1) Anastasia – I think you shud know that masturbation is forbidden in Islam, Catholic Christians and maybe other faiths. It is the respect of one’s body.

    2) Menj – Glad to hear your explanations. Which means that this applies only in very unique and rare circumstances. Hope you note that I am not out to argue about it but merely voice my concerns for those children. If it means a complete family, i.e. father, mother & children after the birth of their offsprings, this means there is not broken home which leads to problem child etc etc. In the Bible, the widows too are encouraged to re-marry back in those times. So, in some ways, this marriage arrangements makes sense, IF applied in the proper context, according to God’s commands.

    Azrin – Heh, thanks for all the explanations how it applies to the modern time.

    wuching – See? It got even you interested. I think this is a case of media sensationalising the issue. There is another ‘authority’ who speaks today. Glad the person makes more sense.

  13. A woman (or a man) ia a mature person. She (or he) can have sex with anyone without marriage if she chose to. If she (or he) has long term sexual relationship with the same partner, she/he in said to be in a defecto relationship. Financial arrangement is a separate issue and is up to both of them.

  14. errr…if masturbation is not allowed, how is a man going to “release it” periodically (if he’s not married)? i believe this is not mere psychological mumbo jumbo… it has biological reasoning as well.

  15. sooi-sooi – I guess one needs to read deeper and have a strong faith for this to happen. You see, there are monks, priests and other religious people who practised celibacy. So, looks like you won’t be getting an answer from 5xmom!

    john – This is your way of looking at things and not related to the issue I brought up.

  16. moo-t – OK, OK understand. lol But does that mean those khalwat peeps will lose their job?? No more ambush in the bushes! lol

  17. I blogged about this too. Bloddy issue makes my blood boil. Just more bad PR for Islam. Simple thing want to make complicated. Of course, men had to think about it, had to debate to make it legal. Figures!!

  18. Hello to all,
    I am an American woman married to a Saudi man for the past 27 years. My husband can marry all the wives he wants as long as he divorces me first! lol I mean, doesn’t that make sense.

    But to tell you the truth, I am for this arrangement in a few cases. If the woman has kids and gets a divorce from her first husband and gets married again, most husbands would take the children away from the x-wife. So, this is one way for widows and divorced women (who don’t want a husband telling them what to do the rest of the week) hanging around. And if that’s agreeable to them, go for it. I am just against the big secret of it all. For single consenting adults, it’s not much different than picking up a girl in a bar in the west except that if she gets pregnant, she has to go to court to sue for her rights. In Islam, God said that a man can have four wives if he can be ‘just’ with all of them, but no man is ‘just.’ So, in other words, yeah, you can do it if you really want to, but it isn’t advised…..at least that’s my understanding.
    Last thought is that the man should give his first wife a divorce if she doesn’t agree with this new arrangement so that she can find a younger, more handsome partner (if she wants) who will be satisfied with just her.

  19. hello..
    the muslims scholar still have different opinion in this issue..

    i scholar of ahdith from Syria, sheikh nasiruddin al-albani disallow this kind of marriage bcoz from his opinion, this kind of marriage is againts islamci teaching bcoz once we become a husband, we have responsibility like feeding oru family etc..

    n some scholar like shikeh uthaimin from saudi arabia have not made any decision 4 this case bcoz he doesn’t know wheter this kind of marriage is permissible or not..

    n there r some scholars who said it is permissible like dr yusuf al-qaradawi..

    actually this kind of marraige shud be understood correctly. it is forbidden for man to say to his future wife something like this ‘if u want me 2 marry u, i do not need to give u money etc’ bcoz it means u r trying to leave the obligation given 2 u by god

    only women can offer this to a man..4 example a woman say to his bf etc something like this ‘ if u marry me, u don’t need to give me money etc’

    in this case , that woman has given up her own right voluntarily, same with d man..he can say to his future wife ‘ if u marry me, u don’t need to have sex wit me etc’..

    so in this case we can only give up our rite but we are not allowed to ask our spouse to give his/her rite…

    but 4 me, the normal marriage like islam teachs is the best..husband do their job, n wife do thier job..

    sorry my english is not so gud

  20. masri – Thank you very much for your inputs. It is good that we are all enlightened on this issue so that we can learnt to accept and understands instead of being hostile towards something we do not know much.

    give woman a chance – Your comments are very much appreciated and I hope it will help others toward better understanding.

    anastasia – No aplogies needed but yeah, it may caused some frictions to others. Glad that all is solved. People who search for misyar marriage do stumble on this blog so it is good that the commentors have helped me to iron the issue out.

  21. give woman a chance-ur comment is interesting..

    ’bout polygamy..some people always use word ‘islam allows men to have 4 wives..

    but i prefer 2 use ‘islam limits the number of wives who man can marry in one time’

    bcoz if we follow the chronology of poligamy law’s in islam. b4 this kind of rule is implmented, some of d prophet’s companions have more than 4 wives, n at that time, it’s normal 4 those people, n God sent d verse to limit d number of wives..n not only He limits d number, He also gives guidelines 4 those who want 2 marry more than one wife..

    not only that, if ur marriage is just only to make ur spouse suffer..the marriage is haram.

    tq lilian..ur blog is so interesting…very malaysian blog

  22. i don’t agree to that misyar thingy at all..

    cuz i think that this kind of marriage will torment the earlier marriage.. and that what will bcome of the family..

    statement like this, although it is expressed in the hope that women nowadays will consider to get married.. will just make men’s mind to wander off their obligations as a husband (if they r already married) n if they r not, it encourages men to feel free from having responsibilities 2wards the woman he marries.

    i think women can live without sex. i know my grandma didnt. she was only married for 3 years and has become a divorcee ever since that. hmm.. i think i can too!

    .. or maybe im just being chauvinistic. huh. nice blog btw.

  23. i don’t agree to that misyar thingy at all..

    cuz i think that this kind of marriage will torment the earlier marriage.. and that what will bcome of the family..

    statement like this, although it is expressed in the hope that women nowadays will consider to get married.. will just make men’s mind to wander off their obligations as a husband (if they r already married) n if they r not, it encourages men to feel free from having responsibilities 2wards the woman he marries.

    i think women can live without sex. i know my grandma didnt. she was only married for 3 years and has become a divorcee ever since that. hmm.. i think i can too!

    or maybe im just being chauvinistic. huh. nice blog btw.

  24. Having lived in Saudi, I did come across many such cases, invloving women that were either divorcees or too old to marry otherwise (35+) for their culture!

    Actually the majority if not all were very disappointed that that was their only realistic option and the ones that could still bear children and had none previously were in most cases forced to abort,!!!! so the man would not have to announce the marriage to his family circle.

    Usually men keep it a secret!

    I would have to say that misyar is a joke! and I know couples in the West that for some muslim would call ‘loose’ that have more respect and proper values in the relationships.

  25. You are mistaken. The woman does not actually give up her rights. In legal terms, it is still a full marriage. All marriage conditions are fulfilled. However, it is just a mutual understanding between a husband and wife. By law, the wife is still entitled to material support, and she can demand this anytime. Misyar is just an arabic term for that arrangement, not a religious term. So in Islamic Law, you are either married or not. In fact, the agreement is only between the two of you, and no one else’s business.

    Also, about the kids issue, usually those who practice misyar do not want to have kids. And if they do, the kids have full rights as well.

    Sadly, in truth, the people who practice this are just after sex, and will usually divorce the girl immediately when things go sour.

    However, some, usually young people, have this arrangement due to financial difficulties. So, they actually have this as the “real” marriage, and will just temporarily live separately, but meet regularly. They will have more time to prepare together and plan their finances before moving in together. This is similar to initial stage of bf/gf relationships practiced by other people, except that you are legally bound to each other and actually have proper rights protected by Law, and you can’t change bf/ gf overnight 😀

    Sadly, many men use this as a way to get sex without much responsibilities, and when the wife wants things to be more serious, they quickly divorce.

    Having lived in both Saudi Arabia and Malaysia, I can tell you for sure this will be very very very much misused in Malaysia, and I will advise women to be very cautious about this, unless of course, they are financially stable and don’t have that “fall too much in love” problem.

    On the other hand, if practiced properly, this could be a very good thing for the Muslim YOUTH, especially considering the sex-crazy world we live in now

  26. By the way,

    Note that this is not an encouraged type of agreement. Because it defeats the purpose of marriage. It is only recommended under necessity. For instance, if a guy and girl are in college, and stay separately in different hostels. If there is no necessity, then it is discouraged, but not a sin, as long as all requirements are met.

    To put it in simpler terms, and I honestly do not mean to insult anyone, it is like when you have a contract with a phone company, and you have a right to get customer care, but you do not need it (e.g you already know everything about your phone). In relation to misyar, it does not mean you cannot call the customer care, it just means you just agreed you won’t call (something like gentleman’s agreement)

  27. The misyar marriage is totaly not acceptable, No one can not avoid his responsibilities which is embeded in marraige in isalm like material support, Home, or in broader Term KIFALAT.

    Ok women can say but Men is legally responsible. So Misyar Marraiges are totally is for sex only, which can not be accepted.

    Thanks

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