I had been attending some 10-days
brainwashing faith renewing sessions. Well, I only managed to attend three so far. First it was this inspiring thoughts on love. Then, today is about being prepared to be snubbed for being a Christian. But the most enriching was the one I attended two nights ago about recharging our Christian battery and how our lives are intertwine .
Just when I am wondering about how worthy is my life, e-hon came along and dropped me a mail. I will not share in full his email as some parts are rather emotional and personal but let me share a gist of it:
I actually typed the comment on your blog to reply to you but feel a tad uncomfortable to actually post it.
I thought I’d share with you my story with Ryan, Little Vincent and how you and Little Vincent changed my life.
Well, Ryan was.. or maybe still is my best friend. He was two years my senior and he was my senior in Red Crescent. Then eventually we became really close friend because there are too many things common between both of us and he became like my half brother. From when I was in Form 2 up to Form 4, I turned to him for advices, (edited) … when I got home, I went to bed right away, and woke up the next morning to find misscalls and messages. I found out the news and it was…. just… you know, it’s worse than terrible really. From then, I just got weaker and weaker. I felt like I lost a best friend, I lost a brother.
Well, who is Ryan? Who is e-hon.? I do not know e-hon. But Ryan was a young man who died due to drowning. He is from Sarawak and his mom got to know me after his death. I provided Ryan’s mom my emotional support. I also helped her to put up Ryan’s memorial page on the internet with Yahoo Geocities. It was very therapeutic for me to learn html back then and helping Ryan’s mom to put up that webpage was both our way of coping with the grief of losing our sons.
Cut long story short, after his funeral, it was still hard for me to accept the fact that he’s gone. A few of us, spent a lot of time at his house with his mum and dad and brothers. His mum wanted me to go over to help clear some of his things because he wanted me to have his favourite things like his bandana, his artworks and so on. In fact, it was his mother who helped me through the grieveing process.
Well, e-hon had a hard time dealing with the death of Ryan. In fact, e-hon is not the only one but there were many others whom Ryan’s mom told me. She seeked my opinions sometimes on what to do with Ryan’s friends because eventhough she was grieving, she knew she had to lend her support to these teens. Ryan’s dad set up a chat room for them as well.
One night, after you’ve set up the website, I went to MMS and got to know a baby and a mother who changed my life. For 3 whole hours, I cried, and cried and cried sooooooo hard reading your story of Little Vincent. It hurt me sooo much. Until today, that night was the night I cried the hardest in my entire life. Then, I told myself, if this mother can go through this pain, I can go through as well. I eventually picked up myself after a year and got really strong.
Like I said, our lives are intertwined. Somehow, e-hon read my blog as the obnoxious 5xmom but he found out that I am the other person whom had helped Ryan’s mom. His mail was so timely because I had been asking God if it is worth it that I sometimes spend my time, energy, money, tears and even stressed myself to help others. At times, I asked if I am being busybody or is this really God’s way of using me. As Christians, we are all Jesus’s disciples and being His disciples, we memang do all these for nothing because we know it is God’s will. But as humans, I often wondered if it is my own 8-poh doing or really are these divine guide?
What e-hon is today confirmed that yeah, the little ripple I made many years ago, sitting up till late nights and spending over RM400 per month on tm net dial-up (faints! but it is cheaper than paying for a shrink) just to learn the blardy html and stuffs like that has paid off. I believe e-hon had make a right turn. Because of Ryan’s death, he has emerged a very strong and useful person today. No doubt, we would have wanted Ryan and Vincent (my son) to be around, but if that is the way it is, there is nothing we can do about it. But people like e-hon and I have emerged a better person. This is what ehon is doing –
Reach Out! Youth Ambassador
And if you have the heart to stomach it (without crying I mean) , get to know Ryan. No doubt he is no longer here, he had made a lot of difference in many people’s lives.
This is my son Vincent‘s site, my initial bereaved parents site, my current bereaved parent site, the links to all the deceased children and Ryan‘s memorial (and another one). Or at least read Ryan’s poem.
And e-hon, I just want to tell you in the open (so that others know about your good bro, Ryan) that your mail is so timely. It jolted me and reminded me the very first reason why I get on the internet. It was due to my son’s death and my resolve to help others in whatever way I can. I probably had lost my guiding light and God has find a way to show me that, “Hey, woman, you are not unworthy. You have done well. See what difference you have made in a stranger’s life? Chin’s up. (And keep cussing, it’s ok If that’s the language others understand, so be it. Keep blogging! )”
So, yeah, peoples, I didn’t blog for money or anything like that. I blog because I have been blessed to touch people’s hearts in my own way. Like Jesus said, all those who have ears, hear. All those who have eyes, see. (And if they don’t, puadah! Shake the dusts of your shoes and show them the middle finger.) In brackets are 5xmom says punya.
I haven’t write such posts for a long time. I am glad I did now.