During the care of my ill son and after his death, I used to have this fearless outlook about life. I am not afraid of dying nor of illness because once you face the death of your own flesh and blood, everything pales in comparison.
So, I never give much thought to my own mortality. At times, death seems like a good escape when you have set your heart to an afterlife. I had heard and face the deaths and illnesses of many people and to me, it is not like the end of the world because the people left behind still lives.
I know that’s a pretty sick view because I have learnt to care less about my own life. So what if I don’t live till tomorrow? Not like the world is going to end.
But something made me changed my mind today. I realised that I don’t live my life for my own pleasure. Someone that I know changed my views and now, I appreciate my existence more. She is probably around my age, with four kids and one of them did read my blog. (I hope she is reading this.) In a big church, she probably is the only other person whom have four kids, like me.
I haven’t seen her for about a month or two and today, she came with her family. In a wheelchair. I do not know what had happened to her but I know she is sick. I know the face of a person whom had too much medications. I dare not ask her why but I merely held her hand and told her to be strong. I am lost for other things to say because I believe she will understand that I know the fears she had in her and my prayers are for her.
I think the thing I fear most now is not being able to be on my two feet, running around, driving them, preparing their meals, going to movies and all the basic things that I sometimes grumbled doing them. I have never seen my role in this basic sense.
I have always believed that should I go one day, God will take care of my kids for me, whether in the form of a relative or guardian (never step-mother, blek!). But no, there has to be someone around to scream the orders, cleaning up after them, laugh at their jokes, bitch along and just acting stupid. All these simple things in life that only I can provide.
For all these roles, Lord Jesus, I pray that You will shelter us mothers. Please make M’s mom and all the other mothers who are ill, strong again because they have a big role to play in Your plans. The world cannot live without mothers.