He is slipping deeper and deeper into depression. He stares blankly at nothing. He is not even attempting to eat and had to be fed. Death is very imminent in his mind. Fear is crippling him. It paralyses him totally.

I don’t know if he is even expressing his fears to his spouse. Sometimes, spouses may not be the best person to talk with because you cannot tell too much of your fears for fear that she worries too much. But who else is there to listen and talk to him? My own hubby is the practical person who got nothing comforting to tell.

I admit I am very distant with the person. If that person is a total stranger, I probably can get the person talking. But this is an in-law and with all the out-laws hovering around, forget about talking. The most is I asked if he wants alphabet pasta or mee suah for the next meal.

I cannot imagine what the family is enduring now. I cannot imagine the kind of burden the wife has. The discomforts of living in that 6′ x 5′ area in the busy ward. Even I myself, who have very little feelings for the person, feel so burdened. Each time I sleep, I sure dream. The LKS dream in my previous post is actually about him, the nurse said they are not going to treat anymore.

Again, I took a nap just now and someone said, “Give up already’. This time, I don’t know who it is but I think this is a fact. Give up, look upwards and for the rest, move forward. But what if the person has no ‘upwards’ to look up to?

This is when my conversation with my own sister’s sister-in-law from Singapore came in. She is a staunch Buddhist. And both of us were chatting about how important having a faith is , especially when a person gets older. She was there to watch over her father (my sister’s FIL) and sometimes, when I have a babysitter at home (like my eldest son), I hang around and sembang-sembang with her.

This whole episode of going to the hospital actually brings me a lot of inspiration. It is not the most cheerful place but it is the truth of life. Few days ago, Uncle Xavier too was warded. He is from my church. I went over to his bed (which is just across my BIL) and he is so cheerful.

On our way back, I talked to my hubby about Uncle Xavier and I told him I asked his wife to pray for my BIL. I know he will get visitors from our church group to visit him so please slip in a prayer for my BIL. My hubby told me, “You crazy ah? That one his daughter lah.” I replied, “You lah siao, his wife lah.”

Hubby asked me to see properly. “Lu kin si ah? (your eyesight problem?)

He said his sons and daughter-in-laws are so grown up, how can that be the mother. I told him, “But it is. I meet them in church so often, how can I be wrong?”

He is still not convinced. “Then, maybe his second wife? You ask Helena and see?” I answered, “Crazy ah? Later Helena say I gila, what second wife? We Christian women memang ‘chio’ one…Jesus is the fountain of youth mah, you don’t know meh?”

So, I don’t know lah. But I do know that one needs some form of faith and build that foundation really strong before one gets old or sick. Otherwise, you will feel the floor opening up to swallow you and you are totally lost.

I don’t know lah. I already feel depressed just preparing the same few kind of foods for my BIL. And his depression is a million times more than mine. I will just keep bugging Jesus every day because there is little else to offer. I will continue going to church early morning because there are less distractions. How many times have I feel like asking him if it is fine that he let me sit there and pray over him. But I am not going to do it. Why? What if Jesus heard wrongly about relieving him of his sufferings and skali, I kena penyapu? My in-laws are highly superstitious so that’s why I prefer to lie low with my faith. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Arrggh….it is so tiring. All this. I am not complaining about it, please do not misunderstand. I know we will somehow grow wiser and calmer from this episode.

And the positive thing is – I lost weight! But my face looks like shit, so I have activated Operasi : Saving Face (with SKII).