Counting the days

He now totally refuses to eat. They can’t get him to eat.

He needs oxygen support because of breathing difficulties but he also refused it.

He is on six hourly morphine.

He lapses between consciousness and delirium.

It is final. But the question is, what goes on in a person’s mind during these last days?

When I look at the circus going on around the country and the world, I wonder if people ever thought what their last days are going to be like?

Yesterday, I see the reality of life. You do not take a thing with you. Like the Malay saying, cuma kapan sekeping. Kapan is a white cloth that is used to bundle the deceased. Regardless who you were, you will end up the same way. Even if your relatives can afford you a golden coffin, you still take nothing with you.

But you leave many things behind. The impressions you made on those who know you. The legacies you leave through your children and their children. The lasting memories people may have of you.

I asked Maureen yesterday. She is the nicest, wisest and most understanding person. She was my RCIA facilitator and understands the dilemmas faced by Catholic converts. I told her I feel like a total moron if I don’t say a thing or do a thing. I could pray a thousand silent prayers or make a thousand meals. Even my * E kor-kor* (some guy lah) reminded me to let go and let HIM handle. But still, I feel like a coward and someone who dare not show my faith. I don’t mean to intrude but I think it is time that I go to him and tell him I am going to pray for him, by his bedside. I do not care if the laser stares from the rest pierce through me. Maureen told me that we can always explain gently that we are not there to convert or change their minds. We are there to ask our God to ease the burdens he is carrying.

I think when a person is in a situation like that, they have all their past life happiness, regrets, frustrations, disappointments, guilts, achievements and etc flashing through them. It is probably like demons and angels fighting a war in our heads. I want my God to take away all the negative thoughts and just make the person feel that he has lived a full life. I know my God will do wonders to ease the burdens and pains of leaving one’s family behind.

So, dear Lord, give me that ounce of courage to speak Your Words and spread Your Love. Just an ounce will do because I got plenty of guts already. And while You are at it, please get the freaking dotter to return pronto! (arrggh…I try not to talk about this but it really irritates the neraka out of me!)

I don’t expect anyone to understand why I need to fight with all these thoughts. But I am always a doer and never a spectator. I cannot standby and see a person lying there, waiting to die while I speculate and wait. I need to DO SOMETHING! Even if it just means reading Psalm 23 by his bedside.

9 thoughts on “Counting the days

  1. Niamah! Comment lost!!

    The only thing that matters when a person is leaving is to have his loved ones and people dear to him by his side to send him off.

  2. very kor lian tai.

    I hope he doesn’t suffer too much pain in the last moment of his remaining life. It’s very difficult to know exactly what is on his mind right now. Very much depend on one’s past experiences and expectations. My god father fought till the last hour only then he gave in. Know what were his last words to his wife..? let me tell you. he said.. ‘very sorry i can’t buy anymore handbags for you liau. Tomorrow you go buy on your own, ok?’… his wife said.. ‘no, i want you to take me shopping.’ (wa….wa….cry cry..)

    making him comfortable and ensuring to preserve his dignity are the priorities.

    as for the daughter..i cannot make any prejudgement and preconception. I guess only he n his daughter knows where he stands, noone else will.

    Does he not want to go home yet?

  3. he will be sleep in peace. He is happy and satisfy that everyone he love sending him to the heaven in his last minute! Pray for him !! 🙁

  4. “Touch him like you have never touched him before..Hold him like you have never held him before.. and whisper into his ear those suppressed good feelings you have all these years of him but never told because you thought it was unmanly” was my advice to a very young friend in a similar situation as this.
    He did just that ..and it became the most memorable BEST GIFT he has ever given his dad in his entire life!

    9pek9bos last blog post..Now..the Fathers on SexEdu K’shen (updated version)

  5. This reminds me of my mum’s last days of sufferings too…all we could do was to sing hymns to her and with prayers to lessen her pains….

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