Counting the days

He now totally refuses to eat. They can’t get him to eat.

He needs oxygen support because of breathing difficulties but he also refused it.

He is on six hourly morphine.

He lapses between consciousness and delirium.

It is final. But the question is, what goes on in a person’s mind during these last days?

When I look at the circus going on around the country and the world, I wonder if people ever thought what their last days are going to be like?

Yesterday, I see the reality of life. You do not take a thing with you. Like the Malay saying, cuma kapan sekeping. Kapan is a white cloth that is used to bundle the deceased. Regardless who you were, you will end up the same way. Even if your relatives can afford you a golden coffin, you still take nothing with you.

But you leave many things behind. The impressions you made on those who know you. The legacies you leave through your children and their children. The lasting memories people may have of you.

I asked Maureen yesterday. She is the nicest, wisest and most understanding person. She was my RCIA facilitator and understands the dilemmas faced by Catholic converts. I told her I feel like a total moron if I don’t say a thing or do a thing. I could pray a thousand silent prayers or make a thousand meals. Even my * E kor-kor* (some guy lah) reminded me to let go and let HIM handle. But still, I feel like a coward and someone who dare not show my faith. I don’t mean to intrude but I think it is time that I go to him and tell him I am going to pray for him, by his bedside. I do not care if the laser stares from the rest pierce through me. Maureen told me that we can always explain gently that we are not there to convert or change their minds. We are there to ask our God to ease the burdens he is carrying.

I think when a person is in a situation like that, they have all their past life happiness, regrets, frustrations, disappointments, guilts, achievements and etc flashing through them. It is probably like demons and angels fighting a war in our heads. I want my God to take away all the negative thoughts and just make the person feel that he has lived a full life. I know my God will do wonders to ease the burdens and pains of leaving one’s family behind.

So, dear Lord, give me that ounce of courage to speak Your Words and spread Your Love. Just an ounce will do because I got plenty of guts already. And while You are at it, please get the freaking dotter to return pronto! (arrggh…I try not to talk about this but it really irritates the neraka out of me!)

I don’t expect anyone to understand why I need to fight with all these thoughts. But I am always a doer and never a spectator. I cannot standby and see a person lying there, waiting to die while I speculate and wait. I need to DO SOMETHING! Even if it just means reading Psalm 23 by his bedside.