Mrs. Doubt

Yesterday, I have quite a tiring morning because I encountered so many tough situations at the wards. People died, people going through intense pain, people long suffering in the same position and etc etc. But one of them turned out to be from my church.

This thing which I call Mrs. Doubt is like a devil to me. I have been wondering what the heck I am doing there every morning. For me, for God, for them, for what? After my plans to take up the course was temporarily shelved, I do wonder why I am still sticking around. I am going to stick around because I like it and I learnt through the conversation with the gentleman from church, people like me are very much welcome. So, Mrs. Doubt was quickly kicked off my shoulder.

Mrs. Doubt is the shadow of my mother and mother-in-law and like poor me, the older four sisters-in-law (hubby’s siss). (my own sisters or bros’ wives don’t kacau me wan). Though the MIL and mom are selling salted duck eggs (passed away) and the four SILs won’t dare nag me anymore after they discovered I am the obnoxious DIL, yet those little monsters and inner voices are very hard to wipe away.

I am sure others, especially women also have that Mrs. Doubt hanging around our head every day.

“Are you sure you can juggle a career, studying and taking care of baby?”

“Are you sure your baby is eating enough, why so thin one?”

“Are you making ginseng chicken for your husband and kacip fatimah for yourself? Why you are still not pregnant?”

“Are you sure your husband is working overtime and not finding girlfriend?”

“Are you sure the dress looks good on you? Why don’t you find something that covers your arms?”

“Are you sure, are you sure, are you sure….”

I know it is bad to relate our insecurities to our moms and blame them but hey, moms do contribute to them a lot. That’s why I always have to remind myself never be the bucket of cold water to my own sons.

“You want to skate down the highest ramp? Wow! Cool! Wait I get the video ready.”

“You want to learn the guitar? Let’s go and buy one now.”

“You are driving to outstation with your friends? Go lah, but don’t speed! Kena saman, you pay it yourself.”

“If darling thinks darling can, means you can do it lor.” (the darling reserves for my 5 yrs old kid lah, not the hubby lah)

Some weeks back, I had some gossip with a son. He told me what a bitch a friend’s mom is because of some problems. We normally discuss things as we have no mother-child barrier. So, being the evil, kepochee, I want to see who is the ‘bitch of a mom’. I was expecting some hottie but she isn’t. When we got home…….

I taruh my very critical, laser mouth son back, “The next time you tell me my butt is too big in the jeans, my blouse too short, my bag doesn’t match my dress, my heels too loud, my makeup too heavy etc etc, I am going to dress myself in big floral blouse in dull colours and black pants. Then, you will know what a bitch of a mom is to you.”

Ladies, don’t let Mrs. Doubt built her nest in your head. Because if Mrs. Doubt does that, you will end up doubting self always.

One question someone asked me the other day when I was hesitating over some decisions. He asked, “Lilian, you tell me what is the Lilian inside you wants.” See? Sometimes, we let Mrs. Doubt lead our lives until we lost the plot. And the scary part is Mrs. Doubt likes to make their children study manically, get lots of As, excel in music, sports, leadership etc etc.

Girls, if your mom is the Mrs. Doubt, grit your teeth, hang on and hope for Merdeka when you are older.

(I think I am PMS-ing already, can write mushy stuffs like these wan)