I am Chinese. But I have never donned a Chinese traditional cheongsam. Baju kurung yes. Saree, hopefully. Cheongsam, no way! Not even in my coffin.

So, yesterday after I finished my morning visit at Mt. Miriam, I went to Gurney Plaza because my friend told me there is a sale. I am attending a 60 yrs wedding anniversary dinner and the dress code is Chinese oriental or 1940s glamour. Initially, I couldn’t care less about them because I thought, no big deal. Then, a few of the ladies who are going were talking and comparing their Chinese traditional clothes.

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(this is a silk screen printing. Thanks to 9pek9bo for the silk screen. Only the part – the Obnoxious 5xmom is the printing, the rest are part of the t-shirts)

*sweats lah* I have one with Chinese buttons so I thought that’s ok lah. But you know lah, women memang vain. So I thought, why not go to check out the cheongsam or qipao or whatever. After all, I can keep it for my next in line, niece or nephew wedding. (hints to Ying Lai LOL)

The girl took two cheongsams for me. Their boutique does not carry blouses but that full maxi one, with split right up to the thighs. OMG, looking at the dragon motifs probably ignites the dragon breath in me. I was super confident of fitting into them.

But wtf, I have never seen so many buttons, Chinese buttons, zips and god-knows-what clips in one piece of clothing. So, after unbutton, unclip, unzip the black thing, the girl gave it to me and I went into their fitting room. When I go to Mt. Miriam, I have to dress down and that means no make-up, no lipstick, not even earrings and with a pair of big t-shirts and loose jeans. I only remove my t-shirt.

And I stood there, trying to figure out where is the blardy sleeves holes, the collar and so on. First, I tried to put the cheongsam from my head down. After one hand and one head got in, I realised I cannot find the other hole of the sleeves. WTF! I was sweating already.

I am stuck! I tried squirming out of it. But it was so difficult because I don’t want to go off balance and fell out of the curtain only changing room. Just imagine that! One half-naked, stuck in cheongsam woman rolling on the floor.

And I dare not force too hard as well because I don’t want to tear the fragile looking cheongsam. But I managed to get myself out of the trap.

So, I tried wearing it from the feet down. And it got stuck at my butt. By now, the girl was calling from outside if the cheongsam fits. I told her no, give me another size.

She gave me another size. This time, it is an even trickier piece because there are even more zips and buttons and it opens at the front. I admitted to her that I cannot figure out where my hands should go in and which is the head.

So, like it or not, I have to stand the humility of being half-naked in front of a salesgirl. But she is awfully nice so I don’t mind being humiliated. However….this time, when I put in the cheongsam, I have somehow twisted the flaps.

As you know, with the high split, it means there are two long flaps. They got twisted, inside out and there I go again, trapped into another cheongsam. By now, I was laughing so hard at my own stupidity and clumsiness. I have also lost all desire to wear any Chinese clothing, ever. But for the sake of ‘winning the fight with a piece of cheongsam’, I stubbornly continue.

Finally….with some help from the girl, she got me all buttoned up and zipped up. But wtf, I cannot sit with the stupid high collar!

And therefore, from this day on, I swear I will never, ever try any Chinese traditional clothes. I thank God I am not one of the China Emperor’s concubines or else, the emperor has to hire extra eunuchs just to get me into my clothes. Moreover, imagine what a turn off when the emperor wants to undress the concubine and she got her two feet up in the air and her head and hands completely tied down like some BSM position?

Plus, if I have to wear a cheongsam all day, I will be probably meaner than the empress dowager.