The time when I was trapped in a cheongsam and has to be rescued

I am Chinese. But I have never donned a Chinese traditional cheongsam. Baju kurung yes. Saree, hopefully. Cheongsam, no way! Not even in my coffin.

So, yesterday after I finished my morning visit at Mt. Miriam, I went to Gurney Plaza because my friend told me there is a sale. I am attending a 60 yrs wedding anniversary dinner and the dress code is Chinese oriental or 1940s glamour. Initially, I couldn’t care less about them because I thought, no big deal. Then, a few of the ladies who are going were talking and comparing their Chinese traditional clothes.

(this is a silk screen printing. Thanks to 9pek9bo for the silk screen. Only the part – the Obnoxious 5xmom is the printing, the rest are part of the t-shirts)

*sweats lah* I have one with Chinese buttons so I thought that’s ok lah. But you know lah, women memang vain. So I thought, why not go to check out the cheongsam or qipao or whatever. After all, I can keep it for my next in line, niece or nephew wedding. (hints to Ying Lai LOL)

The girl took two cheongsams for me. Their boutique does not carry blouses but that full maxi one, with split right up to the thighs. OMG, looking at the dragon motifs probably ignites the dragon breath in me. I was super confident of fitting into them.

But wtf, I have never seen so many buttons, Chinese buttons, zips and god-knows-what clips in one piece of clothing. So, after unbutton, unclip, unzip the black thing, the girl gave it to me and I went into their fitting room. When I go to Mt. Miriam, I have to dress down and that means no make-up, no lipstick, not even earrings and with a pair of big t-shirts and loose jeans. I only remove my t-shirt.

And I stood there, trying to figure out where is the blardy sleeves holes, the collar and so on. First, I tried to put the cheongsam from my head down. After one hand and one head got in, I realised I cannot find the other hole of the sleeves. WTF! I was sweating already.

I am stuck! I tried squirming out of it. But it was so difficult because I don’t want to go off balance and fell out of the curtain only changing room. Just imagine that! One half-naked, stuck in cheongsam woman rolling on the floor.

And I dare not force too hard as well because I don’t want to tear the fragile looking cheongsam. But I managed to get myself out of the trap.

So, I tried wearing it from the feet down. And it got stuck at my butt. By now, the girl was calling from outside if the cheongsam fits. I told her no, give me another size.

She gave me another size. This time, it is an even trickier piece because there are even more zips and buttons and it opens at the front. I admitted to her that I cannot figure out where my hands should go in and which is the head.

So, like it or not, I have to stand the humility of being half-naked in front of a salesgirl. But she is awfully nice so I don’t mind being humiliated. However….this time, when I put in the cheongsam, I have somehow twisted the flaps.

As you know, with the high split, it means there are two long flaps. They got twisted, inside out and there I go again, trapped into another cheongsam. By now, I was laughing so hard at my own stupidity and clumsiness. I have also lost all desire to wear any Chinese clothing, ever. But for the sake of ‘winning the fight with a piece of cheongsam’, I stubbornly continue.

Finally….with some help from the girl, she got me all buttoned up and zipped up. But wtf, I cannot sit with the stupid high collar!

And therefore, from this day on, I swear I will never, ever try any Chinese traditional clothes. I thank God I am not one of the China Emperor’s concubines or else, the emperor has to hire extra eunuchs just to get me into my clothes. Moreover, imagine what a turn off when the emperor wants to undress the concubine and she got her two feet up in the air and her head and hands completely tied down like some BSM position?

Plus, if I have to wear a cheongsam all day, I will be probably meaner than the empress dowager.

17 thoughts on “The time when I was trapped in a cheongsam and has to be rescued

  1. Hi Lilian..i can’t imagine u in cheongsam. Funny looking lar but if u ever decide to don one, pls post tht photo in yr facebook k. So how? U not planning to bear banana leaf on dat nite rite?

  2. wynxon – LOL, the baju with the Danger word is old liao. The ISA one, I bought it last night. One of the NGO sells it. But hor, if bearing the 5xmom, wear already, kena pelted with eggs, how?

    mindy – I got one Chinese New Year blouse liao, don’t care leh, wear that can liao. Broke liao, cannot splurge few hundreds on a cheongsam to wear for once single time.

  3. choonie – Yalor, so mah fan, so many tiny lubangs. Why can’t they just make blardy long zip instead of so many hor? LOL, sour grapes only lah.

  4. LOL!!! I think during Emperor’s time, the gals are delivered to his room naked. He is emperor of China wor.. No need to waste time to undress the concubine ma!!

    I also got stuck with 1 of those punjabi-type blouses, where it is quite fitted down in the waist. Getting in is no issue but getting out is a problem! I pulled the baju over my head and found that my arms were stuck in the sleeves!!!! Aiyoo…

    After slow movements, managed to get the darn thing out. Thank goodness I had to wear it for one night only. Haha

    Angie Tans last blog post..Boom De Ah Dahh!!!! – The World Is Awesome!

  5. I don’t want to wear cheongsam. I might be mistaken for the waitress of a Chinese restaurant.

    Sour grapes lah! I can’t fit into one. Would probably end up looking like bak chang or chempedak…. hahaha!

    Most comfortable would be the baju kurung … might just look like datin wor!! Wear big rings, big hair, big handbag and look kim tang tang …..

  6. klaw – Yahor…never thot of that. Hahaha.

    Momo – And the material they used, wuah, can pengsan so hot.

    Eve – Were you there?

    Angie – Hahaha, all nekid, no chikik mah? Like dressed turkey likedat.

  7. Lilian

    Help. I need to get a cheongsam for my best friend’s wedding in oct. Will be coming back to Penang over the weekend. Where in gurney should i look for a large range + good bargain?

    Was told to get a sexy one so I don’t look like a waitress!

  8. Now that I’m in China I *have* been thinking of getting a qibao for Chinese New Year. Reading your post reminds me that I hate clothes with fiddly fixtures!

    Looks like my poor MIL will be disappointed again next CNY 😛

  9. you must persist with the cheongsam there are so many beautiful ones …! ones without big collars also, to have a ife without cheongsam is to have life without pleasure and beauty and style!

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