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Why women hang on to love lost?

I hope I get my sentence structure correctly. What I mean is why some women can hang on to some man even when the relationship has no future, no happiness and only bring miseries to her?

It is very sad when impending death cannot even softens the man’s heart and yet, some women will still keep on hoping. If we just flip through Dear Thelma on every Sunday, we will know that there are many women out there who will keep holding on to a relationship. She will wait for a change of heart.

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Of course, I am a Catholic and being a Catholic, we are expected to work on the relationship no matter what. I have seen some very faithful wives whom indeed grit their teeth through very bad relationships and when the husband eventually died, she just keep on living with dignity of having a marriage intact “till death do us part”. For these women, I am full of admiration for them.

Yet, being the hot blooded (I hope hot blooded means bad tempered and not the stud description in men?) and in control person, I don’t think I will forfeit my own dignity, happiness, self-esteem and future merely for a man. I’d rather die a sinner (as in divorced) and go argue with St. Peter about gender equality at the pearly gates than to suffer my whole life on this earth, being a miserable person and maybe vindictive person.

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That’s what I told a person today. I told her, “Don’t let your own happiness hangs in the hand of a man. There are many people who love you, you are a person on your own, with or without him. You have your son, your parents, your friends and even strangers like the nurses and I, we care and respect for you as a person.” Of course, it is easy for me to say because I have never experienced living as a single mom. But what can I say to another woman who is terribly hurt by the fact that she never feel love from the man she hold on to? Anyway, it is my job to state facts as facts and not give cotton candy promises or make excuses for people I never meet.

This is not the first time I shared with other women with problems in their marriage. I think I make a very bad marriage counsellor because my advice is always, “Don’t let your happiness depends on one single person. The life is yours, live it so that you feel happy.” Of course, the Catholic in me cannot simply ask people to divorce. It is a sin and if I do this too often, maybe I can even be ex-communicated. Wowser, do you know we can really get kicked out of the church? Officially?

But what I mean when I ask a woman to seek her own happiness, I am merely asking her to relook at herself, her self-worth, her needs (I don’t mean sexual needs but careers, hobbies, achievements) and herself as a person.

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In the end, I still do not know why women can love men, indefinitely, beyond reasons, with all the self-sacrifices, self hurts and mistresses and prostitutes in tow. I can only love my own flesh and blood that much but never a man. No matter how loving, how nice, how caring the man is. If he breaks the only law I have, i.e. being faithful, it is games over. Red card, and you are out of the game and the league. (Thank God for my atm!)

Well, don’t you women agree too? Is there such a thing as forgive a perpetual cheater?




8 Responses to “Why women hang on to love lost?”

  1. Well, there are men like that too!!! Some men can bug the woman for years even the woman no longer in love with him!!

    NKOTB´s last blog post..Day Care Centre

  2. You read my mind, Lilian. I’ve always believed that a person should be happy being on her/his own before s/he could be happy with anything/anyone else. Love thyself before you love others.

    SkyJuice´s last blog post..Idyllic Islands Part III

  3. HI Lilian, these are just the same things that i have been telling my mum. Move on with life instead of harping what has happened. The worst part, she keep asking why? why? why? Even to the extend of getting us (my bro and me) to call my father to scold him. Sigh….. I have already told her, what you have mentioned in the blog. But it’s of no use.

  4. There is not such thing as forgive a perpetual cheater, not even for the children’s sake. Nosiree.

    mumsgather´s last blog post..A little Blooming Flower

  5. Last night, a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 2.5 years. I was on the phone with her for 4 hours.

    There was no 3rd party, but I guess they just fell out of love. It is very sad to hear the end of a relationship, but I am glad they chose the path of going their separate ways because after all, they were being true to themselves. Above all, when it comes to matters of the heart, it is best to ask the heart what it wants, and then fulfill its wishes. That was exactly what my friend did. Indeed she was tired of being rational and putting so many factors into consideration.

    On cheating men, I think that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. I have a few friends and acquaintances (my airline career just gave me so much opportunities to meet up with such people!) who cheated on their WAGS and they never stop. It’s a thrilling thing for them, and slowly it’s become an addiction. Of course I’ve met women who cheat too.

    Indeed, to sacrifice for the family is a noble thing to do…but at the end of the day, when the children leave the nest, and you end up with the spouse who has hurt and betrayed you so terribly, wouldn’t the rest of your life be doubly miserable?

    If one isn’t happy in the relationship, one should put one’s feelings and welfare above everything else, and then decide the best way out of this unhappiness. One’s happiness lies in one’s hands, not in the hands of others.

    Just my two cents’ worth. 🙂

    Lil’ Ms Pinky´s last blog post..Of relationships and break-ups

  6. heh…my hubby did it twice & i’m still here stick to him like superglue. not that i boast about it, but situations doesn’t allow me to follow my heart. need to be together for the sake of the childred ma. To tell you the truth, it is not the same like before. i keep on thinking of it (what he did to me.

  7. After reading this post, two questions pop up in my mind :
    1) if you know your friend/relative’s spouse is having an affair (and obvious he/she is not aware of it) would you or should you tell him/her ?
    2) if your spouse is cheating on you, would you rather be kept in the dark or you prefer to face the truth ?
    What do you people think ???

  8. My stand is the same as yours, Lilian.
    Once his little brother gets out of the pants, he gets out of the house.
    (not that I’m married or attached la, but still!!)

    I have friends who are like that and it pains me every time any one of them come to me for counseling sessions. And though I always ask them whether it’s worth it to suffer like that, I never say “Yes, break up with that MFSOAB already!” whenever they go through the potential breakup period. I’d always ask them to think of what they really want, not what I want. Reason #1 is of course I want the best for them, and secondly, I don’t want to be the one being blamed when they regret breaking up.

    Hence, I’ll never allow myself to fall into the same situation. If I sense anything fishy, I’d take reasonable (at least what I think is) measurement to void any suspicion. Maybe that’s why I’m still single now. Haha~

    In response to Domino‘s questions,
    1. If I know a friend/relative is being cheated on and doesn’t know about it, I will try to ask as discreetly as possible how s/he feels about things like this. If s/he prefers knowing, I’ll break the news to her/him in the least damaging manner I can think of. Otherwise, I’ll shut up about it and let her/him decides what s/he’ll do to me after s/he finds out about the affair and me knowing all along.

    2. I prefer knowing about my spouse’s affair, and putting an end to the marriage, if necessary. (Father, forgive me to have such thoughts. Like what Lilian said, I’ll debate with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates if that’s what it takes.) Like what mumsgather and Jen mentioned, children, if there are any, will be my first consideration.

    e2wen~*´s last blog post..Class Free