What if you find out your son is gay?

Well…interesting thought, eh?

I am sure a lot of parents will never even dare to think about this possibility. Maybe some will foam in their mouths, fall flat on the floor and their eye balls roll up, leaving only the whites of the eyes.

However…..I think this is a reality many parents have to come to term with. Stop pretending that gays don’t exist. Stop pretending that it is something that happens to only other people’s kids.

For me, we talk about this openly with our sons. We make gay jokes too. Like, “Ma….your son has turned gay….see? He is (doing something that we perceive as a ‘gay-thing’.)”

Then, I will retort with something like, “Oh really? No problem what….but he better be extra creative and make lots of moolah as a fashion designer or wedding planner or be a celebrity or something glamorous like that. ”

The thing is, we don’t really understand how one normal male turned gay. I won’t speculate but some of the reasons I guess are :

1) Out of curiousity and glamour
2) It’s in the genes (this applies for those with more effeminate features)
3) Out of rebellion
4) They are born like that, women just failed to turn them on
5) Being tricked into it (this is one issue that I am wary of because some gays (I said SOME) love to ‘recruit’ more gays into their circles and young boys do get conned into this sort of sexual relationship after being ‘fed’ by their sugar daddies)

Then, there are those who have embraced their sexual preferences and become gay gays like Robb and his partner Zach. Another gay guy told me, there is the fuckee and the fucker in a gay relationship. You have to ask Robb who is who LOL. I have met both of them and they are just normal to me. I mean, they are nice guys, which I am sure their parents have no problem dealing with it. After all, they are good in their studies, have decent work and are good sons.

What is tragic is when parents disowned or stigmatized their own son, forcing them to depression and suicides. To those parents, I wonder if they are concern about their own image or their son’s image? Isn’t it a bit selfish to turn the son away just for their own image? I wonder too…if these parents have been there with their children as they grow up, would they be dealt with the shock of suddenly finding out their son is gay? I mean, we are the parents, we should have seen the signs early on and deal with it eventually, isn’t it? Some of the gays guys (not referring to Robb and Zach) I know come from broken homes or their parents have huge problems in the marriage. Well, at least two told me so. They didn’t have a normal childhood, whether being a victim of domestic abuse or a philandering father.

Many years back, I was eating at a coffeeshop in Farlim. There was this old lady with her son who is a transvestite. He looks like a man but wore woman’s clothings. This is a Chinese woman. And I really respect how ‘normal’ she treats her son. They sat there, in a busy coffeeshop eating and laughing while the rest of the world, the kepochees and the judgemental folks kept staring at them. I know most parents will not have the courage to do that. That incident sort of make me realised that a truly loving mother will not chastise her own son, no matter how or what he is.

Religion wise, as Catholics, gays are not ‘accepted’ as the norm of course. But then, I have asked a church elder before. What if the man is still gay? He said if no sexual relationship is involved, it is fine for two men to love each other. Of course, I don’t know how a relationship survives without the sex, ok?

I think the regular folks will not be so homophobic if we start to see the person as a person, no matter how they act. And the gays can help if they don’t freak the rest of us out by being too ‘hands and legs’ in public. Like, we respect your choice, you also respect our space and don’t show us public display of ‘gay acts’ in front of our kids. I have seen gays fondling each other in public mall, so can you blame the rest of the world for being afraid of gays?

Oh ya, I read that soyabean contains a lot of female hormones and some research claimed that mothers who are pregnant who ate too much soy products will cause the male genes in their sons to mutate to female. So, if your son is gay, don’t blame him, blame yourself. Hehehe.

Incidentally, I am now doing another exam paper on psychology, touching on anima/animus. Psychologically, we are all bi-sexuals. That means, we have the male and female parts in us. It is a matter of how balanced these two parts are.

Robb’s blog about ‘ When your parents know you’re gay‘ inspired me to write this post. I am not encouraging people to turn gay but I wish to share Robb’s post on the difficulties gays face. Robb even advised :

but I just want to let everyone know, that being gay is not easy.
Kids out there who are reading this. Don’t be gay. Go dig pussies, cause you’ll live a better life.

And for the rest of us, que sera sera. Accept people for what they are. And stop being so judgemental.

30 thoughts on “What if you find out your son is gay?

  1. Good post.

    Tiu lor, soy bean milk is my favourite drink since I was a boy. ……..

  2. Kanasai! I swear I didn’t do anything fishy and yet, every single one of my posts appear on Malaysiakini. Not that I am complaining but just to put disclaimer that I didn’t spam Malaysiakini like some of those copy and paste bloggers, ok?

    Tan Silly – No wonder you are so gay lahhh.

  3. I presume you meant gay as in happy and gay and not happy to be gay. No offense to gays though.

  4. robb – Glad you don’t mind I use your post.

    terence – Nah, you don’t start a gay wars, I scared hor? I mean gay gay like that. However you wish gay to be.

  5. Too bad not every parents are as open minded as you are. But hor, if you’re in their shoes, do you think you can really accept it openly without doing any of those actions mentioned in Robb’s blog? My guess is, every parents will still attempt to so ‘normalize’ their kids. Deep down in your heart, you will still try to do something bout it right?

    aD´s last blog post..Why Blog?

  6. roses – LOL, I like your blog url! cabaipenang! Nice.

    aD – Nay….I very sure I would somehow knew and deal with it. However, some gays actually started with being a straight guy with girl friends and turned gay. So, it is really a complex issue. But if the son has turned into adult, how to do something lah, too late liao lah.

  7. Erm.. haha.. When in comes to love partners, parents seems to be the last person to know. That’s what I think lah. Some of my friends started a relationship for more than a year and their parents have no idea bout it. Note that they are very close to their parents lor.. But their parents still dunno.. Hehe.. Shhhh…..

  8. aD – LOL, Both hubby and I meet the parent on our first week of dating wor. So, I releks lah. And my sons and I also talked about Indian wife lah, Muslim wife lah, gwailow wife lah…hampalang, I tak kisah wan. This one call psychology and trust in God.

  9. You and your atm’s case is a rare case.. haha.. But quite true also la.. You have very good relationship with your kids. Not everykid can chat with their parents like crapping with friends. I believe that understanding the child is the key in educating them. Solely punishing them is not the right way. U very good in this lor.. same goes for my mum

    aD´s last blog post..The First Mail ~

  10. If what u said about being converted to chatolic, one only needs to turn to the bible for true answers. period!

  11. In the first place, there should not be any gays at all. Its the law of nature, and its sad that some humans have degraded themselves even below animals. You’re a Catholic, you of all people should understand the Bible dictates that sexual relationship between a man and a man, his relative, animals, are indecent and forbidden.
    If everyone accepts gay as ‘normal’, we pretty much can conclude its the end-would you accept if your own brother, husband, father, or son become a homosexual? The feeling of disgust is there to give proof of such an unlawful, unnatural combination

  12. Hmmmm… I’ve met a very effeminate guy back in uni and he’s a real nice person. The gals in the group treat him like a “chee mui”, while the guys… I think they just treat him as a person. At first, I did get a sense of homophobia from them, but later, I think they started treating him like a sister.

    Anyway, for most Chinese parents, the announcement of something like this is devastating. They will think “sei-loh, family name will not pass down jor…”

    Angie Tan´s last blog post..Cake Obsession

  13. angie – Yalah, Chinese memang want face water one, very hard to break that culture hor.

    Sl – Ever heard heed what Jesus said? He said hear with your ears, see with your eyes. If you have both, you would know get the subtle message above. But then, people who completely focus their eyes on heaven for their own selfish purpose will not be able to feel with their heart, which is the most important thing. I never say it is ok to have sexual relationships. I never say being gay is normal. I say, hear what they are going through, understand their difficulties and ultimately, we can only do so much. Pious people like you who condemned people with disgust are what drove people away from the faith.

  14. well, freedom of speech and her rights allow her to say things like that, Lilian. So no worries, you are allowed to give your piece to her as well. 😀

    the same context applies for me. It’s not illegal to declare that you love a man in Malaysia but it is illegal for public indecency and if you’re caught with your pants down for oral or anal. but the last time i checked, CSL was recorded being performed a certain act, he walks as a free man. Strange country we’re living in, ain’t it? lol

    Robb´s last blog post..Greatest Discovery on Earth

  15. S1..I wont feel disgusted. I dont look at my friends and relatives and imagine what they do in bed…so i dont feel disgusted, coz it’s not my business anyway. and yes..if my son was gay, my love for him would overwhelm all these petty issues..becoz first and foremost, he’s my son..
    i wouldnt even think it as abnormal (perhaps i am quite liberal..) as my rational is, what’s normal? is being un-circumcised abnormal? unclean? r u circumcised? is eating pork un-clean? do u eat pork? should i be disgusted with u for eating pork and retaining that cheesy foreskin? the point is..i’ll leave all that judgement to God. unless of course you are completely sinless, then you are free to cast that stone..

  16. Bwahahaha!!! You wrote a neutral post and people brand you as supporting certain issues. Your ‘endorsement’ power very strong lah. Eh, run for PM lah, Anwar also lose leh.

    Mention ONE SINGLE WORD on religion and all those so called Messengers, Children, Followers, Servants, Soldiers, Fighters etc will appear out of nowhere. Condemn is all they do. Its such a shame really. Which religion ever taught their followers to condemn anyway?? I guess none. Real sad lah these individuals.

  17. Woah i super duper love this post man! Well you see homosexuality is a very sensitive issue. Most of the time people concentrate too much on the act/being rather than the cause of the act. I think homosexuality is a manifestation of people’s past/background and upbringing. Well before we place the judgement on others, look at the plank in our eyes. There are deeper issues other than homosexuality like unforgiveness, hatred, resentment, bitterness and etcetc. One might not manifest in homosexuality but perhaps you manifest in other ways like anger, masturbation, abusive, pornography, etcetc which seems less sinful compared to homosexuality.

    I have plenty of homosexual friends and i love them for who they are. I guess above all, we go tto show them what’s love all about. Enough of arguing, we dont need to agree/accept their actions but we need to show them love. Through my years of observation, most of my gay friends have problems indentifying with their father. They did not have a strong father figure in their life and most of the time their father is absent during their growing up stage.

    The opposite of hate is not love, just indifferent. The challenge we have as a society is to love them and to see them in God’s eye 🙂

  18. Neutral point of view is what lacking off that causes homosexuality issues being so sensitive in this country.

  19. Sl – And you degraded them to levels below animals?
    Your own words, “Its the law of nature, and its sad that some humans have degraded themselves even below animals. “

    and if that’s not enough, you are also out to degrade everyone else?

    Nice. Enjoy that “The feeling of disgust is there to give proof of such an unlawful, unnatural combination.”

    but may you see the light. Ever think that all of us have a future we cannot predict? What makes you think they have condemned themselves to hell forever? Ever heard of the wide and narrow gate, the workers in the vineyard, the prodigal son, the woman at the well and so many other parables? It is sad that you not only openly tell us you condemn your own ta’ker and cousin (btw, that’s big bro and cousin), you also tried to condemn me for not being Catholic enough and every gays for being gay. I really sympathize with them for having people around them who do not have love and acceptance in their hearts and yet, dare to quote the Bible.

  20. To me, I think of being homosexual as this:

    I cant help who I love even if the person I love is of the same gender as me.

    To all the straight people out there! Please imagine having sex with the same gender as yourself, if you cant imagine that or have disgusted feeling about it, that is how I feel when I am faced with a abalone.

  21. Lillian

    I don’t have any intention to cast the 1st stone. Never did. Jst responding to the title of this post.

    God Bless

  22. sweetnoob – If you don’t get the whole story, don’t waste time responding to title. Titles are meant to be misleading.

    vincent – Wow, never thought of it this way before. Thanks for the information.

  23. wow..vincent..abalone..that’s quite expensive..i always thought it was oyster..hahaha..but good one..


  24. Lilian – I did get the whole story and I do feel my 1st post was very relevant. On the other hand, I have no idea why you seem so apprehensive.
    God has ALL the answers. One only as to look into the Good book to find them.
    For anyone who is seriously looking for answers, pls email me and I’ll take the time to help, especially questions on how to cope with knowing if your son/daughter is gay, stigma, churches stand, etc & how God has provided answers to ALL of these questions.
    Thank you

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