I feel like a packet of flour

This is my ‘I’m a vegetarian’ rant so you have been warned.

I personally think people who loudly and obtrusively made known they don’t kill animals and eat them because it is cruel, it is painful to the animal yadda yadda yadda is quite a pain in the neck. So, if you are one of them, for peace’s sake, don’t lah make the rest of us who maim, kill, chop, stab, mince poor chickens, cows, lambs and fishes feel like murderers.

Anyway….back to my title. After I dropped my son this morning, I drove to Mt. Miriam to collect some raffle tickets to help the nuns sell them. My intention was to go to Pulau Tikus for some vegetarian foods after that. But my GPS in the brain doesn’t work so well and instead of taking Jalan Kelawei, I went into the wrong lane and headed home instead.

It was about 10 am + and I am awfully hungry. The nasi lemak stall is not open today. So, I was in a dilemma. Should I order curry me and ask for tau pok only? Should I order Hokkien mee and ask for eggs only? Should I order char koay teow and ask for eggs and taugeh only? Should I order wan tan mee and say, “Only sawi, no wantan, no char siew”? These hawkers are going to charge me the same price eventhough they have taken out the meats and seafoods.

So, I ordered one chapati. A chapati only costs RM1. The poor lady will need to wash a big plate for the chapati, a smaller one for the curry and my fork and spoon. Being the compassionate one, I ordered one curry puff as well so that I don’t feel guilty of her washing up so many things for only RM1. The curry puff costs fifty cents.

I went to sit down at the coffee shop and I saw toasted bread and half-boiled eggs. I want! So, I asked for one egg and two slices of bread. But they sell eggs by the pair so I boh pien have to order two eggs.

The chapati, as you probably know it, is a thin piece of oil-less bread. But the curry puff, fuyoh, was filled with so much potatoes. So, poor me, not wanting to feel guilty that millions in Africa probably had to go hungry or poor people in other countries eating mudcakes, I stuffed myself with the curry puff and chapati. Moreoever, leaving half-eaten piece of chapati may cause the lady feeling sad that her food is not nice enough for me.

Then, the eggs and the toasted bread came. And that, I cannot ta-pau one. So, I had to slurp the two eggs and two pieces of bread.

Now, I am puff up because the chapati, upon contact with liquid will swell many times.

Next topic, bishop’s nose.

Last Sunday night, we went to Song River in Gurney Drive for supper. My little boy wanted the roasted chicken wings. I went to order for him and saw these lovely bishop’s nose roasting. All shiny, golden brown, dripping with gravy. So, on instinct, I ordered a plate. In case you do not know, bishop’s nose is the chicken butt. It is the tail, not the arse ok?

So, I merrily went back to my table and then, only I remembered, “oh oh, I am on vegetarian…..die! Who is going to eat them now?” And my sons all insisted I have to finish eating the plate with the help of a couple of them. Not all of them fancy scary and weird stuffs like these. To show ‘good example’, I told them, “Eat mah eat lor….what’s the big deal? It is a bigger sin to waste foods than to un-vegetarian myself temporarily. So, I eat them lorrr….I am NOT eating chicken ok? I am eating bishop’s nose. So holy, you know? Bishop you know…..”

Then, my #3 son asked me, “Ma….why do they call this the bishop’s nose?” I replied him, “Next time when our bishop comes to church, you go ask him, ok? How I know lah.”

And the #2 smart alec mumbled, “Oh wow, the bishop’s nose sure can regenerate really fsast. Cut off, grow again, cut off, grow again….”

Then, every conversation that night was totally forgotten…..

On Monday afternoon, I came home and told my # 2 son, “Hoi, you know ah, your ma just had lunch with the Archbishop and two Fathers, you know……Sweat lah….Tension betul. Somemore hor, I only makan sayur so I boh pien, have to say I am on Lent fasting or they may think I got eating disorder when I don’t eat the fishes.”

My son asked, “You got ask the Bishop or not? About the nose?”

Wuah…lucky I have totally forgotten the whole episode or I will be dying of guilt or staring at the nose.