Six years ago….
Six years later
How time flies…..
Last night, I thought of wearing my Keep Hope Alive t-shirt to church to show the Lentern theme. So, I didn’t iron any blouses. But last minute, I decided not to risk it because I am going to get ‘peleteran yang amat dahsyat’ (hardcore nagging) from my lector chief for not putting on my Sunday best when I am on duty. But yesterday is not just any day. I reminded myself not to wear red or black or yellow or green. It is the day Jesus died, yo. So, the colour must goes with the mood. I saw one purplish blouse that doesn’t need ironing so I put it on and went out.
At mass, the Station of the Cross is about reconciliation with God. It is one of those saddest fifteen station reflections. And I suddenly recalled that this is the blouse that was once covered with the blood of my other son. The blouse is seven years old. Yeah, I never put on weight in the last seven years old, ok? When I was taking my son’s body home from UMMC, he was still bleeding from his cut-off line but I didn’t know as I was carrying him, close to my chest. (the doctor had an incision on his neck to pump all those medicines into his blood stream and when he died, they took it off but blood doesn’t stop flowing till much later) I just washed the blouse and still wear it because it wasn’t a big deal to me but I had stuffed the blouse into my wardrobe because it is rather ‘lauyee’ type.
So, I had this little imaginary conversation with my son who would now be eight years old now. It goes something like these, “You know what, Vincent? I think inspite of what we thought about your sufferings of having all those tubes stuck into your nose (feeding tube), mouth (ventilator) and veins, I think somehow you are probably immune to what we perceive as suffering. You had the best parents, doctors and nurses plus three older brothers to care for you. So, I never really feel bad about the physical pains that I think you would have felt then. I believed in those seven months you are with us, you probably felt our love and our touches more than the agonies of taking in all those 11 medicines at one go. And I believed you were much more peaceful than I actually think of your sufferings of having mommy stuffed suction tube into you while I restrained your flailing hands with my leg when no one was around to help me. So, yeah, let’s talk about the good times only. And in a way, I am glad you called it quits when you had enough of the cycle. I had long surrendered to God, your fate. I had told Doc C, if there is a red button, I would have hit the button to end it for you. Because even before I believe in Jesus Christ and the resurrection, I already have the belief that one doesn’t really die and end of story. So, today, when we shared in Jesus’s death, I am also reliving your death. And tomorrow (that is today), as we rejoice in the resurrection of Jesus Christ, I also rejoice in your new life in Christ. But it is not only about you. It is also about me and your brothers and all the people.”
And though it sounds very selfish, if you have not died, your brother wouldn’t be born. So, since you died, you had reconciled us to God. And we had the gift of the Lord, Matthew.
So, tonight, at Easter Vigil, Christians all over the world will celebrate the triumph of light over darkness. Our Lord is Risen, Alleluia!