This one for the ladies
Posted on May 11th, 2009 by Lilian • Filed under: Life and rants
I have attended several classes on psychology and gathered a lot of insights into our women behaviour. Usually, I will write something to reflect what have been taught so far because it helps to get all those lessons spread out into black and white. Moreover, I am required to write a 5-10 pages assignment so this is like a prequel to the assignment.
Although the class is about human development and in particular, children behaviour, it is also very relevant to our own childhood and how that has shaped us today. This morning, before class, I have a roti canai telor, roti kosong (cos the telor one is so darn small) and a glass of very diluted Nescafe. The flour and the non-existence caffeine was so torturing. I was trying hard not to fall asleep in class because it gets a bit boring as it is all ‘ya, ya, tell me something I haven’t heard off about children upbringing, been there, done that…’.
However, class last week was very interesting. It is about separateness, disconnectedness, inter-dependency and co-dependency. And why do I said this post is for the ladies? Because sometimes, we failed to see where we stand in each situation. The relationship with our spouse, our kids, our evil murder-in-law, our community, with our own internal self all boils down to these Sigmund Freud’s theory.
To tell the truth, sometimes, I do get women (wives, girlfriends, girls) who wrote to me privately about their problems. Many times, these are all caused by the blurred lines on where we belongs.
First, what is separateness? It is a healthy and necessary requisite for our own growth and our relationship. Parents and children should have this separateness or you will get mama’s boys which you know are the worst kind of husband, everrrr. Last time I have one boyfriend whose favourite opening sentence is, “Ngor ah ma kong” (my mader says…) Lastly, I grew up and decided that he can go and ‘kong lei sei yan thau’ and ditched him. Separateness is that private space within us that no one should ever intrude. For example, my husband never reads my blog. I can tell the whole world about the crazy thoughts I have but I don’t discuss with him. I have my own interests and I don’t feel I need to tell him everything.
Disconnectedness is a serious case of separateness where both parties really drifted into their own separate ways. Many women found they have allowed their boyfriend, husband, whatever to have their own lives too much, they no longer matters anymore. Someone just told me that I am blessed because when my hubby was on his semi-retirement last year, he was still around the house with the kids. Someone else husband who recently got retrenched cannot deal with his jobless status and tried to enjoy live with his buddies like he used to. Now, they are in deep shit because of his spending and the wife doesn’t know how to ‘wake’ the husband over his need to cut down expenses. See? The 5xmom is your Dr. Love, online and off. Hahaha.
Then, what is inter-dependency? It is a relationship where both parties need each other without one patronising over the other. This is a healthy and ideal factor in relationship. Though you need each other, you won’t die if the other dies, leave you, pin-sam, pin-thai, fatt hou etc etc. Because you have your own identity, you are able to stand on your own without feeling like your oxygen supply got cut off.
And co-dependency is what most women, especially mothers tried to be. This is a very selfish, self-centered need. Mothers tried to cloister their kids so much that the kids are totally in debt with her. Emotional blackmail is the name of the game. In a community, she is always the yes-man, agreeing to do everything, from organising big events to picking up the thrash left after the big event. It makes the person feels good that she is needed. In a co-dependency relationship, sometimes, the women tend to rely too much on their spouses. They wait on the husband like he is god and they run around their kids all day long. Doh…if I do that, I think I will slowly poison everyone with arsenic.
However, I am wary of my bad habit of trying to be the ‘hampalang woman’ whereby I don’t mind doing things for nothing. I do that a lot and still search for the reason why I do that. Must make mental note not to be a saint for the wrong motive…..Anyway…I guess I didn’t do too bad in the mothering department. Yesterday..I jokingly told my sons, “You all harhhhh…Mother’s Day also never give me anything. So sad lah, feed you all so big.” And they said, “Ma….got mah…we give you our farts. It is very hard you know…we must eat, digest and then, force the gas out.” Niamah….