The hardest piece I have ever written
Posted on May 16th, 2009 by Lilian • Filed under: Life and rants
We have an assignment for our psychology class. Actually it is so much cheaper to go for psychology class than to see a shrink, you know? It costs me only RM200, or is it RM100? (I cannot remember) The class lasts 32 hours spread out over 2 months.
For this module, we are studying Sigmund Freud and Erik Erikson theories. Previously, I took another one on Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. Actually, I have wanted to ask my lecturer, “Father….was Sigmund Freud a pervert, sex maniac and child molester? If not, how come he got so many perverted theories?” But I am in a class with retirees and seminarians (unmarried young men, studying to be a Catholic priest whom are all celibate aka celebrate life without women LOL) so one cannot ask ‘normal’ questions like these.
Anyway, the Erik Erikson’s theory is our life is formed in our growing years. So, our assignment was to look back on our childhood and find out if we had been through a good one or a bad one. Then, analyse if we are screwed by any part that happened million of years ago, since I am like in dinosaur’s age.
Oh boy….it was the hardest piece I have ever written. We are limited to double spacing, Times News Roman 12 and only two pages. I need to unfurl all those old memories, good and bad, mostly bad and identify why I am skru tak ketat sikit in certain areas.
I identified that I have a dislike for female friends and I found out the reason why. I have to recall who was the most important figure in shaping my character. I suddenly remember my deceased cousin who was a soldier who sometimes visited my family after my father died (when I was 7 years old) to provide financial help. He was known for being very firm, strict, principled and being in the army, fighting communists, you know how he is lah. The last parting words he had for me before he died (he died suddenly) was to save money until I get RM1,000 when I get my first salary and he would give me more to top up.
Then, there was my school teacher who was the discipline master who elevated me from the poor, little lost girl to the ‘you can do anything’ head prefect. I could do no wrong in his eyes and I remembered how brave I was whenever I was challenged by the biatches in class. I was from a Malay school and these bunch of girls were the smart students who came from Chinese school. Discipline master was like a tiger and damn fierce.
Not forgetting is my ex-boss who probably gave me the most balls, that even men don’t grow. He is totally Chinese businessman kind of cunning and taught me to twirl all balls by the hand (like how I twirl the bunga raya) and how to threaten to squeeze the yolk broken if they ever dare play cheat. I am talking about balls literally only, ok?
So, hmmm….I wasn’t born tough but circumstances have hardened me so much so that I am what I am. In conclusion, I wrote that life may not be ideal but with God’s grace, we won’t do too bad either.
That two freaking pages with double lined spacing probably caused so much tears, I could drink the cup of tears and quench my thirst. So, thank you, Cousin Leng (RIP), Mr. Tan (RIP) and Dato’ H.H. Without all the principles and your manly tiger fierceness, can eat people kind of courage, I will probably be rather miserable. Then again, I have developed a shadow of the weak female. That shadow is from Carl Jung’s theories which means something we are afraid of becoming. Sigh….you win some, you lose some. Anytime, I will prefer to be a man.