Legally bitchy

This is a very important life lesson. But if you think I am bad influence, you can opt not to read, ok? This is rated PG13. And 18SX.

Treat this as something your mother never teach you. Or for me, I never get to teach any dotters since I have none, so I crap about it, ok?

First thing, boys and girls, you have to know about menopausal females (i.e. most of your moms probably are entering menopause at some point in your life). Every silly thing will incur their wrath. Long time ago, I have written something about women justifying their bad behaviour with PMS (i.e. the time when she ovulates until she gets her period, all two long weeks of them) and menopause and I think that is an unacceptable excuse.

There was this old lady who used to work in my office. Old as in late 30s to 40s lah. She was a spinster, fugly and damn bitchy. One manager told me if anyone wants to errm…you know….they need to cover her face with a towel first, cover the head, attack the base, something like that lah. But hor….she thought she was damn sexy and hiao cos many of us who were younger than her already had boyfriends and some got married. So, she thought she is the One and the Only in the opis. On my first day at work, I was instructed by the outgoing secretary that I must place all the newspapers on my boss table before he got to the office.

So, being a green horn, I must do everything to perfection. But office bitch thought that since I am new, easy to bully me. On my second day, when I was without the previous secretary (yeah, I went to work on her last day), I found office bitch (hereinafter referred as ob, like the tampon brand) ‘pah-sai’ the NST and The Star. She sat there at her cubicle reading the papers like nobody business.

I have the dragon breath in me and I hate people messing up my newspapers, irrespective. So, I walked over to her, hands on my hips and coolly told her, “Miss OB, next time, leave the newspapers where they are (usually left by the dispatch clerk outside my locked office) because I want to take them to big boss.” She did her hiao-hiao, gigglish, lemak voice ‘teh’ and tried to justify with looking for tenders. I told her, “Don’t worry, I am told I have to look for tender notices (for power cables, from TNB & Telekom) and cut them and give to Dato’.

So, moral number one – Never let another bitch lord over you. Snub them in the face, in front of colleagues. Be the bigger bitch but do it legally, without emotions or mercies.

Then, of course, OB won’t let me off so easily so she started poisoning every ah mah tealady, ah pek salesmen and etc that I am such a bitch. Never mind….she even bitched to my boss’s wife about me. And one of the tealady who was my boss’s wife good informer/confidante, got very rude with me.

She is a tea lady cum internal despatch person. One day, when she was menopausal, she flung a stack of mails sandwiched between a F4 book like a bartender to me. I was busy sembang-ing outside with my colleagues. I was an executive secretary, remember? So, if my boss is not in the office, I am free to do what I want. Except to help other colleagues or even senior managers. No way…executive secretaries only paint their nails, file their nails, read books, talk on phones and never help colleagues, ok?  We are not supposed to be involve in office politics, see?

The old lady, under influence of menopause thought I am going to tolerate her behaviour and stop the book like how you stop a mug of beer sliding across the bar. But I am a bigger bitch. I let the book flew down to the floor with the mails scattered across the carpets. Everyone got a shock. I told her, “Cik menopause….put the mails on my table, I will want to check first before I sign (acceptance of the stack of mails)” and continue chatting with my colleague.  So, she kena go down on the floor and pick one by one lah.

So, moral number two – Never let anyone whom you know are ‘below’ you bitch in front of others. Show them who has the upperhand. And never react with anger but stone cold voice and face.

So, you may wonder….Wuah, boss’s wife good informer, you are also not scared meh? No…
That brings you to Moral number three on being legally bitchy.

Moral #3 – Real men hor…they have this soft spot for women who can carry themselves with grace, withstand pressures, doesn’t break into tears at the slightest thing and most of all, never whine, never rant, never complained to them. Always let the third party to bitch first, never do it first. When they hear anyone say anything about you, you just brush it off as ‘ah..small matter, women problems, let’s not waste time on it’ (even if the issue is really damaging to you and eats you up). Cos hor…they will be full of admiration for you. And jeng, jeng, jeng….find another more suitable time and ‘tong cheng’ (menagih simpati, hinting for compassion) for the things you want.  See?

Therefore, today, we conclude the lesson on how to be a bitch and yet, no one can touch you because you did it legally.

Everyone says ‘Terima Kasih, Cikgu’.