Preoccupation with doing good
Posted on August 1st, 2009 by Lilian • Filed under: Faith
This is weekend rantings, so shaddap if you got nothing good to say, ok? But if you really must leave a comment and got nothing good to say, just say the photos are nice lah.
First, I am terribly sienz because my Sony earphone that costs me over RM100+ has become a one-sided earphone. I really love that ear plugs because it cuts out the outside noises and all I hear are music and songs that play on my MP3 or laptop or iMac. I probably had accidentally tugged on it too hard, some wires inside are disconnected. I can work better, whether blogging for money, change my php codes or do video editing or crapping shits when I am totally cut off from the outside world. Now, I have to listen with another earphones which is not quite the same.
Now, into religious stuffs…… Sensitive, ok?
Not sure why but lately, I am so disconnected with the institution. Actually, I was never really part of the ‘great mighty institution’ because I simply lived in the wrong postcode. But never mind, I still try my best to do what I can offer and I enjoy being part of the almighty institution. However, lately, I found everything so boring, so mundane and so stiffling. Faith to me is a very vibrant, exciting and an ‘all-action’ thing. I have to be out there doing something, helping someone and sacrificing self/time/money/energy and etc.
Today, I attended some class and we are asked the question, “Who am I?” I have plenty of answers but none of mine fit into the almighty institution’s people. They said they are the children of God, Jesus’s follower, made in the image of God and yadda yadda yadda bla bla bla….I never see myself in that privileged position because I know when I see myself in that image, I will be a darn pompous, egoistic, holy-moly, self-righteous, friggin painful person to live with. I see myself as one of those Samaritan women who lived in the dusty, dirty, messy world where things are chaotic but…….. yes, there is always a but…not singled out by God.
I see myself as one of the many, many lucky people whom, despite of all the shortcomings, are very much protected and loved by that big, divine being who somehow didn’t allow a single one of His creations get sidelined. Each day, I counted how lucky I am with all that I have.
Back to my class, the ‘teacher’ told us many people are too preoccupied with doing good, and of not doing any sins and I totally agree. I am getting tired of my ‘institution’ lately because there seems to be so many rules, laws, books, numbers, hierarchy to follow, I am wondering if I am studying to be a lawyer or just to be a Christian. People do not like to get involved. People are not willing to go the extra mile for people they considered not worth their time. People are always making sure that what they do is right in the eyes of the ‘big almighty institution’.
I am really fed-up. Fed up when I hear people reminding me not to get too involved in political stuffs and politicians because they are ‘best left to the men’. They asked me if I could potentially get into trouble with my videos. They asked me why do I bother to spend so much time over at some village for ‘those people’. Why don’t I pray more for God’s intervention. I was like, “What the hell? Was Jesus sitting at home, combing his beard in the Bible?”
I don’t know lah….I am just plain tired with the earthly stuffs that I am supposed to know and follow. All I want is to believe there is God and that God is often challenging me, with a glint in His eyes and a wicked grin on His mouth and says, ‘Go on, do what your heart tells you. Have faith in Me and I won’t ever let you get into deep shits.’ The kind of fun, daring, radical, humorous, compassionate yet wicked image of my God. I am just so, so, so tired of being part of the institution.
**sigh….I shouldn’t have written the above. It doesn’t look good on me, whining about my own religion. But what the heck, that’s how I feel and I am going to publish it. I love God and Jesus, but not the institution where I am supposed to attend dutifully. Just like Gandhi said, “I love your Christ but not your Christians”