It is not easy to write something emotional when it is supposed to be an article which cannot be too mushy and soppy. So, let me extend the sniffy part over here.
I was telling a friend how I hate those nagging feelings of the Christian-side. I like to run away from Godly stuffs and I did evade many times.
I don’t know how those who serve the Lord manage to survive. I had talked to a few of them and they usually tell me they leave the burdens to the Lord.
I am quite puzzle though. How does one deal with the hurts and pains in our hearts when we are the bystanders in situations that we cannot do anything? The helpless feelings that our human heart has to endure?
I think Jesus has a wicked sense of humour because though I know I am very unworthy, the one with the samseng, tomboy, tend to curse mouth, many times, I have ended up with nuns. Whom I see as the epitome of the most feminine, patient, gentle creatures that are exact opposite of me.
I am very, very fearful of them. I am much more fearful of nuns than the Bishop and priests. Bishop and priests are male and they would never understand me. They will probably go, yayayayaya, okokokok, confession completed. Nuns are female and they probably can see and pierce through my heart with the things I cannot express.
Yet, again and again, somehow, our paths crossed. By now, I am like known to all the various groups. I enjoy their company and yet, I get worried being next to someone so pure and so perfect like them.
What I did was just a fraction of what they do. Yet, I feel very sad, very helpless. I feel scared. What if I give people false hope? Some of the people I had met really depended on me, like the relatives of dying patients. Or patients who are about to die.
There is only a little part of me that I can afford to give to them. I could talk God with them. Giving them assurances that there is a God. Because in their situation, usually, there is no other hope than the invisible God.
I could hold them, hug them or sooth them. But those are just momentarily when I have the time. So, I wonder if I have let them down?
When I was at the cancer hospital, so many patients whom were my friend (after a few weeks of knowing them) did die when I wasn’t there. Sometimes, I wonder if they did think about me before they died. Sometimes, I wonder if my short presence really made a difference in their lives though I know it did.
I guess the nuns would probably tell me, “Don’t be silly, leave it to Christ. We only do what we can, we leave it to the Lord to do rest.” Yeah, but I am the ‘give all’ person.
I am going to the cancer hospital this week and I am going to dig up the old wounds and let the heart bleeds again. I am going to confront the memorial this year with a much harder time. The memories of those who died last year will be hard for me.
But what to do…my Lord said I can do it. I hope they get a nice Catholic priest who can burst my dam. Last year, Father Simon LaBrooy was fantastic. I need a good cry over their deaths. And I want to write a good story and hopefully make a good video to show human dignity, hope, faith and the peace that many of us are seeking.
(I hope the priest who will be there doesn’t read this or he will sweat with my expectation of making me cry 🙂 )