It is a known fact that I pissed off a lot of women with some of these specialties of mine :

1) being too self-righteous whereby I made divorcees feel bad;
2) being too not-kiasu whereby I made kiasu parents feel like they are morons for being kiasu;
3) being too tomboy whereby I can tok kok with males using four letter words while the women watched in horror;
4) being too political whereby I made women feel left out because many still think that politics are a male domain;
5) being too ‘male-hater’ whereby I accidentally described the bad traits of their husbands, hence, made them feel like I dissed their husbands;
6) being too efficient, one-leg kicks all, whereby they feel they cannot measure up to me and my superpower5times.

Then again, I memang suey one. I would occasionally leave cryptic messages that are probably meant for one woman but it spills to a lot of women. So, they never really like me.

Not that I hang head in shame and go to a corner and cry about it. Just that, today, I heard two women chatting. They were telling each other about what their respective best friends are doing.

And I paused and go, ‘oh oh, I do not have a best friend.’

Am I normal?

Am I straight?

I never have best friends when I was in primary school because they were either Indians or Malays. Though I am all muhibbah, there is this barrier whereby our respective homes were just too different.

In secondary school, I have developed even more tomboy. I mixed only with boys. Either they are boys I have crushed on or my buddies who are mostly Malay guys. Well, actually, I have only one guy whom deserved my crush but he died at 17 years old due to brain tumor. The other was my head prefect (I am the female head prefect) whom I had to work closely with.

When I got into the work force at 18 years old (so koh lian hor, I had to work since 18 years old) I think I dived into having boyfriends. And who has time for besties by then?

I think I developed this phobia of having girlfriends due to many things :

1) though I have two sisters, their age gap was too huge, 14 yrs and 10 yrs older than me. So, I grew up a freak with no female influence. I can’t talk make-up or manicure or hair styling.

2) the females I know usually cannot keep their mouths shut. I had been betrayed when at times of vulnerability, I told them something. Only to realise that they had told someone else or told their husbands. I don’t care, husbands are not supposed to know my secrets so I get very pissed when that happened.

3) females are highly volatile creatures and seriously, I have no patience with emo females. I have even less patience with emo men because they got no PMS excuses. Listening to an emo woman is like sitting down in public with an itch at your crotch. You so wanna scratch but you can’t. You so wanna tell her to shaddap and get on with life, but it could potentially cause a suicide, so you bear with it. You understand the agonies?

4) females are bad news because if you want to do something bad, the mob and peer pressure will probably drive you to it. So, being alone means I am more a scaredy cat and hence, I stayed out of troubles.

5) who wants to know another female’s secret? who cares how many times she has sex per week? who needs to hear another my mother-in-law is evil-er than your mother-in-law tale?

So, yeah, today, at 45 years old and a couple of months old, something struck me.

I have no best friend.
Women don’t like me.
I don’t like women either.
I will probably died and no women will attend my funeral. Lucky I am a choir member so if I stick on, they will probably do me this favour – saves me from the embarrassment that I have no women at my funeral.

But…does that mean I have male friends? Also no because all the Mrs. out there do not like me either. Because I tok kok too much.

So how?

So, how? You tell me lah.