May 1st. A holiday for many people.
A celebration for workers.
But it is also a dreaded day for me. Well, at least in the initial years. Nowadays, I just let it pass without anymore ‘ceremony’ or ‘ritual’. No more going out of my way to remember that most painful day.
They say time heals and yes, it does. But then, it is because I am such a gutsy person, pain also had no choice but to cabut lari. I have no time to dwell too long on it anyway.
I don’t sit around and wait for people to help me. I took charge of it. I searched for support group, I did all the melodramatic stuffs. I talked to people who understands. I took up html and became one of the experts in online stuffs.
When you have things to accomplish, you have no time to get depressed. Stupid ideas don’t have time to linger around.
But God is kind. I got accidentally pregnant. I don’t know how. But I did get a healthy baby boy within 10 months.
I also found a new religion that I can connect with. A religion where the god is the real life buddy in the name of Jesus Christ. Not the cold statues I was so used to.
Of course, Jesus doesn’t appear as a buddy but rather Jesus characteristics of love, hope and faith touched me through the people I met.
In the first few years, my boys and I did do something to remember Vincent. These last few years, he sort of fades into our deeper memories. We don’t talk about him so much but the name still pop out once in a while.
He may not be here but he is very much part of the family. The older three brothers know him, remember him as the bad tempered, fussy guy. The younger one who never met him before could get jealous over him when I said too much about him. He would say, “horr..you love Vincent kor-kor, you no love me lorrr”
Oh well, I had done a lot where grief support is concerned. Today, a few of the bereaved moms whom I once shared tears with can laugh along with me. We are now ‘normal’. But we have a special bond that no other mothers understand. Nothing faze us, no one can hurt us and no one can enjoy the little things in life like us.
We had been there, on the verge of death when our own child died. But we bounced back and we live better lives than most.
Life has been great. Though it would have been greater, if you are still here, Vincent. Then again, it is part of God’s plan that we have the chance to share that seven months of your life with us. That seven months have shaped all of us in a better way. And most important, that seven months of hospital, ICU, near deaths, dying, hopelessness and dark alleys have brought us to Christ.
You would have been nine years old this year.
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