Before I lay me down to sleep..

I have two videos which are taking forever to complete uploading. I could go to sleep and wake up in the morning to see if they got through or died midway. Or I could just wait for a little while longer…

So, I shall blog for a while…

With whatever thoughts that come to mind.

This morning, I don’t know why I have that joy in my heart before I even got to church. There was this happiness of being part of Christ. I decided that my trip is not going to depend on what humans tell me but what I can learn from within. At one point, I was dreading the regular Sunday morning outing when I found what was told to us were so boring and predictable.

During communion, I dunno which part, I felt a certain courage within me. I suddenly recalled the times when I was working in the cancer hospital as a voluntary pastoral care worker. I was telling myself, “Lilian, you have had the courage to walk into a dying patient room, open up a conversation, face their anguished relatives when they passed on…” And suddenly, I feel how blessed I am.

In that rush of recollections, I could almost feel myself on the 5th floor, facing St. Francis Assisi’s statue as I walked in every morning. I recalled the many mornings and sometimes mid mornings when I rushed into the chapel and seek refuge. Those times when I was asking myself, “Why oh why did I get myself into this? Why oh why are cancer so cruel and people just dipped from normal to skins and bones and eventually die?”

It’s a good feelings overall. The church, I mean. I got out feeling a lot braver, a lot courageous. Only thing is…doh…I am having a nice life and these aren’t needed now. I think I prefer doing the hard stuffs. What I am doing now is getting easy peasy nowadays. I have sort of got into a routine, I can predict what LGE is going to say next, and I can even craft my editing while filming.

Of course, I am not hoping for challenges or bad things that need me to eke out the courage and brave part. I am thankful, of course. For that, I praise and thank God for the wonderful life I have. The wonderful family and friends. The wonderful and blessed things I am showered with.

It is almost the mooncake festival. I haven’t have a taste of a single mooncake yet. I don’t even care when is mooncake fest day. Why? Because 9 years ago, I remembered I had a premature birth. I remembered I was too sad to even buy a lantern for my 3rd son who was then like 6-7 years old. The baby was in the ICU in Adventist. Since then, mooncake fest has died within me.

24th September will be Vincent’s 9th birthday. If only I have known Christ back then. Probably, I wouldn’t have so many fears. But then, God says part of us have to die before we can grow. So, maybe there is a purpose for everything.

So, before I lay me down to sleep, I pray not for my soul to keep because I am so sure I will wake up in the morning alive. (cos I have many things to do) Very unlike those times when Vincent was in the ICU and everytime I go home at night, I do not know if he is going to be alive in the morning. And too bad, I do not know Christian prayers, and I have no knowledge of ‘As I lay me down to sleep, I pray for my soul to keep’. I only knew how to burn joss-sticks, lots of them to my guanyin, my mother in law, my ancestors in law whom I have no idea how they looked like and asked for their help. The only thing that happened was a smokey living room.

Ooopss….did I made a sensitive remark? Who cares lah, I am merely telling the truth.

The joy in the heart can only come from God. And I thank God for that awareness of His loving kindness and eternal love.