I have two videos which are taking forever to complete uploading. I could go to sleep and wake up in the morning to see if they got through or died midway. Or I could just wait for a little while longer…
So, I shall blog for a while…
With whatever thoughts that come to mind.
This morning, I don’t know why I have that joy in my heart before I even got to church. There was this happiness of being part of Christ. I decided that my trip is not going to depend on what humans tell me but what I can learn from within. At one point, I was dreading the regular Sunday morning outing when I found what was told to us were so boring and predictable.
During communion, I dunno which part, I felt a certain courage within me. I suddenly recalled the times when I was working in the cancer hospital as a voluntary pastoral care worker. I was telling myself, “Lilian, you have had the courage to walk into a dying patient room, open up a conversation, face their anguished relatives when they passed on…” And suddenly, I feel how blessed I am.
In that rush of recollections, I could almost feel myself on the 5th floor, facing St. Francis Assisi’s statue as I walked in every morning. I recalled the many mornings and sometimes mid mornings when I rushed into the chapel and seek refuge. Those times when I was asking myself, “Why oh why did I get myself into this? Why oh why are cancer so cruel and people just dipped from normal to skins and bones and eventually die?”
It’s a good feelings overall. The church, I mean. I got out feeling a lot braver, a lot courageous. Only thing is…doh…I am having a nice life and these aren’t needed now. I think I prefer doing the hard stuffs. What I am doing now is getting easy peasy nowadays. I have sort of got into a routine, I can predict what LGE is going to say next, and I can even craft my editing while filming.
Of course, I am not hoping for challenges or bad things that need me to eke out the courage and brave part. I am thankful, of course. For that, I praise and thank God for the wonderful life I have. The wonderful family and friends. The wonderful and blessed things I am showered with.
It is almost the mooncake festival. I haven’t have a taste of a single mooncake yet. I don’t even care when is mooncake fest day. Why? Because 9 years ago, I remembered I had a premature birth. I remembered I was too sad to even buy a lantern for my 3rd son who was then like 6-7 years old. The baby was in the ICU in Adventist. Since then, mooncake fest has died within me.
24th September will be Vincent’s 9th birthday. If only I have known Christ back then. Probably, I wouldn’t have so many fears. But then, God says part of us have to die before we can grow. So, maybe there is a purpose for everything.
So, before I lay me down to sleep, I pray not for my soul to keep because I am so sure I will wake up in the morning alive. (cos I have many things to do) Very unlike those times when Vincent was in the ICU and everytime I go home at night, I do not know if he is going to be alive in the morning. And too bad, I do not know Christian prayers, and I have no knowledge of ‘As I lay me down to sleep, I pray for my soul to keep’. I only knew how to burn joss-sticks, lots of them to my guanyin, my mother in law, my ancestors in law whom I have no idea how they looked like and asked for their help. The only thing that happened was a smokey living room.
Ooopss….did I made a sensitive remark? Who cares lah, I am merely telling the truth.
The joy in the heart can only come from God. And I thank God for that awareness of His loving kindness and eternal love.
thanks for sharing. .for me is the peace and composure that nothing else on this earth can bring, that one is priceless and i suppose it is something that needs to be experienced to know. somehow that peace and composure lend me the courage and strength to overcome/face the challenges of life in a way that makes life pleasant and meaningful.