Lent is coming to an end soon and it is tragic that I do not feel a thing. Homilies failed to touch my inner heart. I didn’t feel grateful nor thankful. I didn’t feel emotional.
Lent used to be the time when I could break down in tears. I remembered a year when I sobbed so hard, a woman sat next to me had to comfort me.
So I am thinking – Lilian, have your feelings died? Or have you forgotten all about Vincent?
It is a scary thought. Of forgetting my own son. It brings guilt too. That life is too good, I simply forget all about him.
But maybe I am so afraid of going through the phase, I just avoid it all together.
So, tralalala….I spent many weeks of Lent sticking to a vegetarian diet. Just so I have ‘something to do’. I must do something to feel something. I can’t feel the faith if I don’t go through some rituals.
Hence, I fast during Lent so that I am reminded of Jesus.
Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself for not feeling a certain sombreness in me. The homilies I heard didn’t hit me.
Last Saturday, the youths had a short skit about reaching out and helping the poor, handicapped and lonely. I had been there, done that. Good skit, but we can do more, not just helping these group. We must actually put our lives and hearts into really reaching out.
So, it wasn’t good enough for me. I remember one homily many, many years ago delivered by Father Stephen. He talked about this baby who was dying and the little brother talked to her and she lived. Then, there was Psalm 23 and I cried and cried and cried.
Actually, I go to church to find something to cry about. I didn’t so far. And I am feeling restless. Because it is almost coming to an end and I haven’t feel the pain, I haven’t feel the joy, I haven’t see the purpose of living, I haven’t had a moment when I feel Jesus presence.
So, I had to prick myself. Pinch myself. Read back some old posts. Be reminded of the past. So that I can appreciate the present and look forward to the future.
This post is random enough. And I shall pray I will somehow find my Aha! moment back in church. Otherwise, it will be meaningless to go through the 365 days God has graciously blessed me without feeling the pains Jesus had gone through for us.