I haven’t blog for a looong time. Maybe tonight I will write a little.
I messed up my appointment because I thought today is Wednesday. So, I got to Mt. Miriam pretty early and waited for 30 minutes, without realising I had stood there for half an hour.
I guess the little goof up has its purpose. My appointment is part of the counseling course I am taking. Not that I need to go to a cancer hospital for treatment, ok?
I must thank God that one lady came by and I only realised I had waited for 30 minutes for a non-existence appointment. And I am praise God for allowing me to bump into fellow coursemate who made a phone call for me to the person I was supposed to see.
Otherwise, stubborn me will be too stubborn to run down to my car to get my phone and I will continue wondering why the person didn’t turn up.
Anyway, with that 30 minutes up at the chapel in Mt. Miriam, I discovered many things.
- I discovered that I actually like being there again. I feel a sense of sadness but I also feel a bit of courage. I know if I choose to return again as a pastoral care volunteer, I will love doing it. Of course, currently, my priorities are far too many so that is not happening anytime soon.
- I find it comforting and a source of solace to be at the chapel alone, high up on the hills.
- I enjoy standing next to the St. Francis Assisi’s statue and feel ‘normal’ because I had read many things about him and his brothers. When you have saints that weren’t the most savvy, you know you don’t do too bad as a regular Christian.
A strong message hits me this morning. I was asking Jesus why do I keep taking on things when I have enough on my plate? Taking this counseling course has not been easy because of the emotionally draining things we have to go through. I have to spend two full days in a month to attend the classes which are compulsory. Usually, I ended up with no weekends because when I have classes, my colleagues have to cover for me. When I don’t have classes, I have to cover for them.
Although I enjoyed learning and practising counseling, I wonder if I can stand some of the things we face. As it is, I find it takes a lot of patience to get people to talk and see what their problems are. And these are people whom had taken the course with me.
So, when I was done praying at the chapel, I look up and saw the Word for the day where Jesus asked ‘leave everything and follow me’.
Ironically, while I was getting bored of waiting, I flipped open a small book with Gospel of Luke. And the same verse was there. Simon (then call Peter) too left his boat and followed Jesus.
In the silence of chapel, I wondered if it is a strong message that I have to stop this inner fight with self. I know that the course is almost finished. More or less, I have a good grasp of the things taught. I couldn’t possibly be doing nothing to it after spending 6 months learning.
One part of me do not want to take any responsibilities and be part of any ministries. I want to be just me, doing what I want, when I can and choose not to do when I do not like. But the other part of me says that I shouldn’t just idle along when I know deep inside, I can do something.
Whenever stirrings like these are felt in my heart, I know something is going to change. So, I shall just throw my hands in the air and say, “whatever, whenever, however, whichever, You know best, Lord.”