Sometimes I have this love-hate relationship with the Christian rituals I adopted.
Certain days, I just do not want to see anyone from the holy house. Some days, I feel like dying inside and the holy house is the only solace.
The problem is when life is smooth sailing, I feel so obligated to perform the weekend rituals without the sincere need to. The dread of going there and coming out, feeling like I have wasted a trip and an hour plus being there.
The thing is, it is not something you can complain. One cannot just say that aloud. Because everyone will be shocked and said that there is nothing wrong with anyone or anything except that I have no faith.
Thank God I love the homilies and the priests we have now so that make the weekly ritual a little bit encouraging. Still, I miss those times when I could walk out after a mass with the choir of angels singing in my head.
Maybe I have unfurled the inner me too much through the counseling course I am attending so there is nothing much to discover self. That reminds me, to ask the nun and priest who are our facilitators if there is such a thing as knowing self too well that we ended up all empty and too self-assured.
Really, these sort of feelings sucks. The feeling that you don’t need God, you have everything in control, you feel thankful but you don’t really feel. You don’t feel the pains of others, you don’t see the needs of the weak, poor and needy.
I am pretty sure Sister C will explain that when one gets restless like I am, it is a soft promptings from the Lord. She has broached the subject of me taking up clinical pastoral care again. I had buried that desire three years ago, never expect someone to bring it up again.
So, yeah, here I am Lord. I know I do not want to give everything up at the moment to jump in. I am very much like the young man who wants to sell all his properties before following Jesus or the one who wants to go back and bury the father….. But if You will it, who am I to say no?