Happy 51st birthday to myself
Posted on September 7th, 2015 by Lilian • Filed under: Life and rants
Just before the day ends, it is good I write down how I feel on this 51st birthday of mine. I am pretty thankful that I didnt spend my birthday alone. I am thankful that my Zumba gang had showered me with gifts. I am extra blessed that I get to meet my old schoolmates whom I had not seen for 34 years and I get to blow my candle with them.
I am glad I had meals after meals with my family. I am thankful to get little wishes from strangers and people I know. It is a chore to reply their messages but I made it a point to be less of a jerk this year and be grateful they bother to type. So I spent almost the whole day just replying those wishes one by one.
I am thankful I have office colleagues who wrote to me and called me his ex-office mom. I am thankful I have new ones calling me mum too.
All these positive inputs make me feel more responsible, more appreciated and more determined to be less of a jerk, be nicer obnoxious mom and be more patience.
Last few days have been a self discovery journey when I met up with my old classmates. I have always recognised myself as a difficult person who is self-centred and only do things when I have something to gain.
And true enough, I still am. Somewhat. I guess I learn to accept who I am, and so long as I dont go out and intentionally hurt people, it is a survival skill.
Sitting down and listening to old classmates, I felt a bit teary inside. Many of them though not very rich, did have families. Parents who could probably send them for further education even when they failed.
I looked back and realised how deprived I was. I recalled how badly I wanted to go to Form 6 but couldnt enter because I failed to get a credit for BM. I wanted to go to Form 6 private but had no money since I was a single-parent with no income.
Then, I looked at myself now and compared with my peers and realised I did pretty well for someone who did not get further education. For that I thank God too. I could feel the fist in the air for being able to face the storm and came out of it, not to badly.
Well, once upon a time, I thought if a woman reached 51, she is probably old and past her expiry date. Now, at 51, I can see myself doing many things. I have clear vision what I wan to do next.
I am not too che-beh (dowdy?) so ok lah…even at 51 still can consider hot looking lagi lah. Must continue that kiasu streak of working out hard to maintain my health, my shape and my cheerful outlook.
So in general, I am pretty happy with being 51 because it is a marker where I know where I am, how I was, where I am going next and how I am dealing with problems.
I am really thankful to catch up with people from the past. A past that I wasn’t too keen to remember but nevertheless, I need to face because those are dark memories that I prefer to forget.
Hopefully in the years to come, I am able to feel even more satisfied for the things I had done, and the things I never get to do.
So happy 51st to me. I am really proud of myself at this stage in life because I can bravely say ‘Screw you!’ if those things do not agree with me. I can hold my head high and know that there are many ways and many options in life.
With God with me, who can be against me?