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I choose you (John 15:16)

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit–fruit that will last–and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

Eerily, everything screams that God is real.

I made up my mind to go for our Cathedral’s 13th year dedication tonite at 8 pm on Jan 20. Thirteen years ago, I did not join in the huge celebration when our church was upgraded to become a Cathedral. I was on bed rest. I was pregnant with Matthew and was going thru RCIA (a year of soul searching and learning before one can become a Catholic). My previous pregnancy ended at 28 weeks due to placenta praevia (the placenta detached and I bled).

Then when I had Matthew, I had pre-eclampsia where my blood pressure shot up sky high. So I had to be on bed rest. He was born 36 weeker. Anyway, I never like huge celebrations and all the rituals. So I didnt miss much. I get to ponteng RCIA as well LOL.

This morning, I was a little emo. Then, all was ok. Then, when I got to church, I saw the awesome cross beaming in the dark sky. So I took a photo. When I was about to get into church, I decided to be nice and held the door for some elderly folks to enter as the door is very heavy and they had walking sticks. Four of them. Slow slow walk, so I decided to post the photo.

And I just blurted out that I was there because of Vincent. And I knew if there is that moment when God asked me to choose if I would go through the same pains I had gone thru having given birth to Vincent and only to lose him, would I do it? And I had said to myself before, I would. I would go thru the pain because it was that 7 months when he was alive and the months after that when I grieved his loss, I learned to live.

It was Vincent that I turned to Christianity and the belief of resurrection. It is only after Vincent that I had Matthew and treasured my role as a mother and the preciousness of our children.

By the time I finished typing my FB status, uncles all gone in, after thanking this Jaga Pintu Lilian. I was totally emo by then at the entrance hymn. My tears splashed on the pew but it is ok. Cos not many people in the church. What do I care, anyway.

Bishop Sebastian celebrate mass. I love Bishop Seb cos his homily is short, short, short. And I could typed out whatever he said in my Note on my phone. Nevermind that I could feel people cursing I am playing with my phone, but again what do I care anyway.

Bishop Seb talked about the five arrows on his coat of arms. Love, Truth, Beauty, Freedom , Sacrifice. He wants us to remember these 3 things – discipleship, mission and mercy. Be Missionary disciple of mercy.

The reading on David fighting Goliath gave me new perspective. No longer it is the kid’s bible version but I see myself as the young, ill-equipped David who fought with the assurance that God is with me.

And oh boy, had I fought with all the demons and tyrants and nonsense through these 13 years. In the church, out of the church and everywhere.

Maybe the difference is I dont get to actually chop off anyone’s head like David did to Goliath.

Anyway, after fighting back the first torrential tears, I was ok. Then, the lyrics on Everytme we eat this bread hit me. It was John 15:16. That was my deciding moment. 13 years ago, I was hesitating if I am going to be baptised with my four sons because frankly, I dont like Christians. I was struggling if I can stand this life as a Christian. And John 15:16 told me that I didnt choose Christ, Christ chose me.

Then, at the closing hymn, my dam broke again. “May these tears be turned into dancing” And I was like…oh man….you think the tears are easy tears? No…it was the hardest tears. But heck, I did overcome.

It is only some days, which are very rare nowadays that I could cry. And I could laugh too.

Glad that I didn’t ponteng church today. Cos the dedication meant a lot to me as it is always the celebration of having Matthew. He is going to be 13 years on Feb 28.




One Response to “I choose you (John 15:16)”

  1. How true! Thank you for writing this! Somehow I decided to visit your blog tonight and I am glad I did because this has touched me as I am doing soul searching too. Thank you and take care!