Imaginary partner

Few days ago, I caught up with my former colleague. In our conversation, somehow ballroom dancing cropped up.

Her boyfriend who teaches ballroom dancing suggested I take up ballroom dancing since I Zumba.

My immediate response was, “Cannn…you go find a man for me lah.”

Colleague and I had long time ago, done some crazy stuffs together. That include dancing on stage during our company’s annual dinner. Fake boobs and all.

Then, I specified what kind of dancing partner they need to find for me. Must be at least 6 feet 2 inches, must not have some wife around because I do not want to get slap unnecessary and must be strong because I am heavy LOL.

My colleague told me when she first started ballroom dancing, she danced alone and with imaginary partner.

Well, I told her I don’t want. I want real one. Must be handsome too or else when the face and cheek get too close, geli pulak.

Looking at the criteria I want, I suppose ballroom dancing is not going to happen in this lifetime.

As I am writing this, I have Psy playing in the background (no thanks to someone on FB sharing his Daddy video). Definitely someone looking like Psy also does not qualify too.

So how now? I will never get to dress in those slithery bling bling gowns and wear those 6 inches heels with diamonds.

But what if I really want to at least try it once in my life before I get arthritis or rheumatism? Calculating the chances, I think I have to risk getting slapped by some random woman on the road, huh?

Time to hit the panic button again

1. I am supposed to cut my hair but never got around to it. Now, my hair looks like a big pile of cow dung on my head, especially when I sweat.

2. I am supposed to get my teeth done but I chickened out and didn’t bother. I hate the gap which was caused by one missing tooth which was extracted many many years ago but I was too chicken to get a bridge. It means making two other teeth to hold the one fake tooth.

3. I am supposed to plan what I am going to cook. But I cannot make up my mind. So, I won’t have time to have a rehearsal at home.

4. I am supposed to buy a new white blouse because I have worn all I have and I don’t want to wear loan ones cos the last time, it makes me look pregnant on TV.

5. It is already Friday and by Friday night, I have to pack. Should I bring some cookbooks along just in case I need to have some last minute panic references?

6. I have tonnes of videos to do but they are not important, hot news, lucky. I need time to make 10 hours of events into a few short videos. Big task.

7. I am supposed to get better descriptions in Bahasa Malaysia for certain terms but I never got the chance to browse through BM recipe books.

8.I am supposed to arrange for accommodation but didn’t make up my mind if I want to bunk in my bro’s house for a night which is more convenient or stay in a hotel which means my poor hubby and two kids have to move out by noon and my thing won’t finish until at night.

9.I am not supposed to be panic because I am the coolest mom around. So, don’t panic.

10. But it is RM30K, RM5K and RM5K at stake. I am supposed to think to win and not take it as child’s play. I don’t expect to come this far in the competition. Now that I have that final chance, I must focus on taking at least one prize. The others have their strong points and so I do.

PANIC!

Takut hantu

I grew up with so many ghost stories, it is excusable that I had childhood trauma of takut hantu. So, here I am, feeling hungry cos the last meal I had was at 6 pm and it was just a small portion. Yet, I dare not go downstairs, go into the kitchen, spent like 15 minutes to cook myself a packet of instant noodle. Of course the advertisement says 2 minute but they bluff one, where can cook in 2 mins lah.

So, what are some of the childhood hantu stories?

1) Hantu pisang – My neighbours always told me stories of hantu pisang. If you tie a red string to the banana tree and then, tie the other end to your bedroom window, the hantu pisang will go into your room. It is a beautiful woman so if you are a horny man, you may want to give it a try, cheaper than getting China dolls. (of course, last sentence, I added sendiri)

2) Hantu si-lor-barn – This one has it’s head out of it’s body and fly fly fly around the kampong. Not just head but the entrails, i.e. the stomach and intestines

3) Hantu pontianak – Of course everyone is familiar with the blood sucking white dress, long hair Malaysian dracula.

4) Hantu under the table – I used to mix with a lot of Indian/Hindu friends when I was young. So, Hindus are very particular about dusk. They believed there are small hantus playing under the table at dusk. So, don’t look or play under the table.

5) Hantu cincin – This one was my biggest trauma. My two older sisters and they are a lot older than me, i.e. 10 yrs and 14 yrs older than me took me to watch one Thai hantu story when I was about 10 yrs old. The man bought a ring and the hantu haunted (hmmm..how come hantu and haunt so similar alphabets one?) the whole family. Head popped out of toilet bowl lah, (stupid ghost, why lah go hide in shit hole, hor?), sudden apparition in mirror lah, screaming ghost at window lah…macam-macam hantu.

Come to think of it, the Mat Salleh ghosts like poltergeist or even Emily Rose are not as scary as those Thai ghosts. Or our local Malay ghosts. Or the white face, blue robe, two red dots Chinese ghosts that go jump jump jump.

I had been so traumatised by all these ghosts, I never watched a single Japanese ghost stories. Lucky Japanese ghost stories were not invented when I was younger.

Now, if there is a ghost story on DVD, I would hide in the room. Anyway, I don’t allow ghost stories to be shown at home. My amount of screaming, close eyes, shut ears and crawl behind hubby’s back to hide had turned off all my kids from watching.

Damn…after 460 words of hantu, I am still hungry. Yet, I am so not gonna stand in the kitchen, waiting for the mee to boil…I don’t want a face to appear at the window, or a hand that pops out of the kitchen sink.

500 words. Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the hantu bite.

Mock-up, giant cheques are obscene, ok?

**This is a flashback post of my old blog. The below was written on December 28, 2004 after the tsunami happened in Penang. Companies were clamouring to donate money and we saw giant, mock-up cheques every day back then. Frankly, I love my blog from the early days when I believe no one reads. Now, I cannot even freaking say something before someone constipated tok kok. Niamah, where have my freedom of speech gone?**

Have you guys been watching the local news? Do you know how many ‘overnight’ celebrities are on TV? Giving out giant cheques. I am not talking about giant amount of money but giant size, styrofoam, cardboards given out by these suave looking big guns in huge corporations? Oh puhleez, the cheque amount is only a meagre RM10,000. I can bet that these suave looking guys are adorning watches, suits, shoes, rings which easily cost RM3,000-RM5,000. What’s RM10,000? I have been having personal dislikes of giant cheques because I found them vulgar, obsence. Why? Because most times, these guys/mak datins would be dripping with jewelleries, wearing a ‘bangga/kembang’ (proud as peacock) smiles on their faces, enjoying the limelight/spotlight/highlight and probably in their heart, hoping that they receive the Light too. (I mean God will be beaming upstairs at their generousity, hence, pouring even more blessings on them to buy more Rolexs, Cartiers, LVs, Ferrari, Porsche etc .) But what they forget is the fact that people whom are supposed to be receiving the monies are suffering in agonies. They have forgotten to feel for the victims whom they are donating. Of course, there are many, many, many kind and generous individuals out there who really are sincere and ikhlas. And I know some of these executives caught in the act of giving out giant cheques are merely doing their job.

Like me – once I was caught in this idiotic act too. I was a sexy-turkey (secretary la) and therefore, have the first-hand, hands-me-down stuffs, from the big boss. Big boss is a generous guy who donates to every societies, big and small, political parties, both ruling and opposition. One day, he gave me these tickets to watch Beauty and The Beast. Free tickets mah, who doesn’t wan? And there I went with my two kids in tow. Yikes, the moment I stepped into the cinema, holding these huge card of a ticket, I was greeted like some Mak Datin. People pinned flower on me, ushering me to the best seats, calling me Miss……, bowing and bending. OMG, I did not bargain for this. All I want is popcorn, coke and movie.

Next came the white haired MPPP council head, sitting with me. More OMGs, how am I going to enjoy Beauty and The Beast, sitting next to him (whom has quite a garang reputation once a upon a time). How to feel the romance of Beauty and The Beast sitting with an apek who never stopped talking politics and I was trying to tranquilize my kids to behave and all that jazz? But that’s not the end of it. I was asked to go up to the stage and given a golden scissors, standing there like a fool with some other ‘generous’ individuals to cut ribbons before the start of the movie. And I got the middle/prime spot, boss was the biggest donor mah. Dang! I wasn’t groom in secretary course for this, man. What am I going to do? Do I cut at the count of 3? Do I hold the ribbon, cut it and let it fall, what do I do with the scissors etc etc.

I am someone who enjoy being on stage but standing there with a row of apeks in borrowed batik shirts and ah sohs (hey, I was ONLY in my late twenties then, ok?) , holding a golden scissors, cutting ribbon really freaked me out. And the worse is, I can’t speak Mandarin and the whole event was in Mandarin. From that day on, I swear never to take anymore ‘hands-me-down’ from my boss. Not even a round the world trip ticket because I am not cut out to be someone who enjoys showing off my clout/money/power/whatever for the world to see like that.

“Old man drives old car”

There is nothing like a kid to make you burst out laughing and forget the tensions of the day.

This morning, I forgot to take my wallet and phone from my handbag and put into my CJ bagpack. I only realised it during a press conference. So, I was a bit panic because I have no money to get out of the car park.

During the press conference, I was digging my backpack, hoping to find a few ringgits that I may have slotted in there. None! Only a few 50 sen coins. I figure I could at least find RM3 of coins in my car so I didn’t borrow money.

The thing is, even if I want to borrow, I don’t know who to ask because I am not familiar with the reporters and I won’t even think of asking one of the Aduns to lend me. If it is the CM, maybe I can ask him, CM, CM, can you lend me RM3 ? He may think I want to borrow to open a company with paid up capital of RM3.

So, I got out of the car park with six coins and a petrol tank empty blinking icon. But I had to pray hard the police never stop me or I will be summoned again. Only this time, I have no ‘bargaining power’ like last time. No wallet mah..

It was already 11.05 am and my son class ends at 12.05 pm. I got to the junction of Jalan Burmah and cannot decide if I want to zoom home, grab my wallet, risk being late or go to my son’s school. I figure out I cannot let the engine running and I won’t even have money to buy myself a glass of cold soyabean milk. So, I drove really fast home, all the while hoping my car won’t mati enjin.

Got back, threw my CJ bag, grabbed my handbag, take the other car keys and out I went again. Little while later, I notice the petrol sign also blinking. Aiyorrr…no time to pump petrol so I pecut and hope won’t mati enjin also.

After I picked my son, we went to have lunch and he wanted to go out of the way to get some icecream. I told him my car has no petrol and I won’t risk it. So, he said, “Scared lor, dunno your car can die in the middle of the road or not.” I taught my son to express his feelings and that’s what he does now. Expresssss…

I assured him, “No worries lah, if car died in the middle of the road, mommy gets down, sexy sexy, waves and uncle stop and he drives us happily ever after ….”

He quickly retorted, “Cannot lah!”

Then, we both keep quiet. I thought my son has the right moral of not having uncles driving mommy.

But further down the road, he said, “You no sexy liao, so old already! Nobody wants to stop for you.”

Tiu.

I was busy concentrating on the noon day school jam so I didn’t immediately replied. He thought I am hurt. Sad until no sound comes out.

He continued, “Because old man drives old old car nia, not nice one.”

I laughed till cannot breathe. And no more tension of no money, no phone, no petrol.

Sigh…thank God for kids.

Thank goodness I am not born a dick

If I behave more, I am growing halo on my head. So, lemme crap a bit, ok?

For someone who hates caves, small spaces and dark places, I must be out of my mind to get my children and hubby to travel to the Phu Pa Pet cave. Let’s call it the Pet Pet cave, can?

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We drove and drove through Thai countryside to this place where they have an awesome cave. Well, at least that’s what the Thai Tourism brochure said.

Before I even reach there, I was already hoping to squirm out of the climb. The cave is located high up on a hill. I thought it is something easy like our Perlis Gua Kelam. But no…it goes up hill and climbing it almost kill me already. We ran out of water somemore.

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The entrance is sooo tiny and one has to crawl on fours to get in. It is dark, very dark.

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I was breathless, dark until my legs also went soft and I hate the cold, quiet cave. I have no mood to take any photos though some of the formations are really breath-taking. I only took a few photos just to whine, rant and show off how brave I was. A person who hates cave went all the way up north in southern Thailand to visit one.

But I think I have a good sense of humour. While trudging, grudgingly inside, I told myself that I am lucky I am not born a dick. Imagine having to do cave exploration all my life? Ewwss…forcing its way into tiny spaces, usually tight and the place is so dark and slippery. No wonder dicks have to vomit all the time.

Back to caving, at one point, we lost our direction. The Thai group has gone somewhere. They don’t have a freaking Exit sign, only Thai words. So, we walked around in circle. And finally found the exit.

Wuah, I was so glad to see the bright lights of the entrance. No wonder all dicks usually went limp out of exhaustion after a caving adventure. *shivers* Still glad I am human and not a dick.

Project put Huan Cheng Guan and Parti Cinta Malaysia on 1st page of Google

I must remind myself how powerful my search engine optimization skills are. I used to put Khairy Jamaluddin, Samy Vellu, Koh Tsu Koon, Khir Toyo, Ali Rustam, Pak Lah and many other people on the first page of Google. Of course, being on first page doesn’t mean it is good for them.

But it is good for my blog traffic. I even managed to get on first page for Chua Soi Lek once a upon a time and get thousands of hits per day from perverts looking for CSL sex video. (which I don’t promote, ok?)

Then again, if people are searching for Lim Guan Eng, they will find my videos and blog posts as well. Which of course, was how he comes to know who 5xmom is.

Now, I am going to start a new trend. I expect Parti Cinta Malaysia or PCM to be hated by Pakatan Rakyat, Barisan Nasional, doubtful people, angry people, curious people and etc etc. So, I must jump in first to get the scoop. They will m search for PCM or Parti Cinta Malaysia soon.

Well, I missed the chance of interviewing Mr. Huan Cheng Guan eventhough I was the one who arranged it. But I had a chance to talk to him and took a photo as well.

So, here is the photo of Huan Cheng Guan.

And in a couple of days, when people look for Huan Cheng Guan, they will have to go through my blog, tralalala. Right now, Lim Si Pin old post showed how out of touch Gerakan is because Lim Si Pin openly showed how little he cares or knows about his own party members, what more the vice-president of the Penang Gerakan.

Hmmmm…maybe I should stop blogging for money and become a cybertrooper. But not just any cybertrooper, a 1Malaysia cybertrooper who works for PAS, UMNO, DAP, Gerakan, MCA, MIC, HRP, PCM, PKR…… My fees are cheap. Pakatan Rakyat parties, RM10K per month, Barisan Nasional RM60K per month plus dedicated server, RM400 mouse, RM40K PC at least 5 units, change half yearly……., dan lain-lain parties, cincai lah, RM5K nia. All under table, tax free ok?

For Lim Guan Eng, free one.

Of course, this is just a humourous, good for nothing post. It is all part of SEO and the power of the internet.