He is slipping deeper and deeper into depression. He stares blankly at nothing. He is not even attempting to eat and had to be fed. Death is very imminent in his mind. Fear is crippling him. It paralyses him totally.

I don’t know if he is even expressing his fears to his spouse. Sometimes, spouses may not be the best person to talk with because you cannot tell too much of your fears for fear that she worries too much. But who else is there to listen and talk to him? My own hubby is the practical person who got nothing comforting to tell.

I admit I am very distant with the person. If that person is a total stranger, I probably can get the person talking. But this is an in-law and with all the out-laws hovering around, forget about talking. The most is I asked if he wants alphabet pasta or mee suah for the next meal.

I cannot imagine what the family is enduring now. I cannot imagine the kind of burden the wife has. The discomforts of living in that 6′ x 5′ area in the busy ward. Even I myself, who have very little feelings for the person, feel so burdened. Each time I sleep, I sure dream. The LKS dream in my previous post is actually about him, the nurse said they are not going to treat anymore.

Again, I took a nap just now and someone said, “Give up already’. This time, I don’t know who it is but I think this is a fact. Give up, look upwards and for the rest, move forward. But what if the person has no ‘upwards’ to look up to?

This is when my conversation with my own sister’s sister-in-law from Singapore came in. She is a staunch Buddhist. And both of us were chatting about how important having a faith is , especially when a person gets older. She was there to watch over her father (my sister’s FIL) and sometimes, when I have a babysitter at home (like my eldest son), I hang around and sembang-sembang with her.

This whole episode of going to the hospital actually brings me a lot of inspiration. It is not the most cheerful place but it is the truth of life. Few days ago, Uncle Xavier too was warded. He is from my church. I went over to his bed (which is just across my BIL) and he is so cheerful.

On our way back, I talked to my hubby about Uncle Xavier and I told him I asked his wife to pray for my BIL. I know he will get visitors from our church group to visit him so please slip in a prayer for my BIL. My hubby told me, “You crazy ah? That one his daughter lah.” I replied, “You lah siao, his wife lah.”

Hubby asked me to see properly. “Lu kin si ah? (your eyesight problem?)

He said his sons and daughter-in-laws are so grown up, how can that be the mother. I told him, “But it is. I meet them in church so often, how can I be wrong?”

He is still not convinced. “Then, maybe his second wife? You ask Helena and see?” I answered, “Crazy ah? Later Helena say I gila, what second wife? We Christian women memang ‘chio’ one…Jesus is the fountain of youth mah, you don’t know meh?”

So, I don’t know lah. But I do know that one needs some form of faith and build that foundation really strong before one gets old or sick. Otherwise, you will feel the floor opening up to swallow you and you are totally lost.

I don’t know lah. I already feel depressed just preparing the same few kind of foods for my BIL. And his depression is a million times more than mine. I will just keep bugging Jesus every day because there is little else to offer. I will continue going to church early morning because there are less distractions. How many times have I feel like asking him if it is fine that he let me sit there and pray over him. But I am not going to do it. Why? What if Jesus heard wrongly about relieving him of his sufferings and skali, I kena penyapu? My in-laws are highly superstitious so that’s why I prefer to lie low with my faith. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Arrggh….it is so tiring. All this. I am not complaining about it, please do not misunderstand. I know we will somehow grow wiser and calmer from this episode.

And the positive thing is - I lost weight! But my face looks like shit, so I have activated Operasi : Saving Face (with SKII).

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I got this old, old CD by Barry Manilow. Some of his songs are rather good. But some hor, I tell you, damn sinful ler.

Eg. Pina Colada.

was tired of my lady
We’d been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

“If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you’d like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape.”
I didn’t think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I’m nobody’s poet
I thought it wasn’t half bad

Tiu lor, to think that I grew up with these sort of ideas when I was young. (the song is in the 70s which means I was about less than 12 years old?) So, kids, if your parents ever complained about your choice of songs hor, you check their favourite songs lyrics. If they grew up fine, then, you will grow up fine too. Just be good! Oh yeah, probably your grandmas and grandpas too have listened to songs like these.

Say power to the 5xmom! Coolest mom on earth.

Have a good weekend, folks.

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So, I read that our Government and Telekom is going to spend RM15.6BILLION to improve broadband.

Porrah, improve my arse.

Some police personnels have never seen a thumbdrive and does not even know what it is.

Some police personnels want to ‘kita kena rampas buat sementara sebab bukti ada di dalam’. WTF? I am not the suspect, rampas buat apa beb? Copy masuk komputer kamu sendiri lah! My thumbdrive costs money and it has all my other stuffs inside.

Some big police stations do not even have internet access.

Some states, like Penang does not even have cybercrime unit! WTF.

And I bet a big majority does not even know or even care to learn how to use the internet.

KNN.

Stress nyer….

I am not bull-shitting you guys. I swear to my internet googlegod this is true. The next time you think you want to pursue something related to cybercrime, I tell you, you have better chances going to some Thai black magic. I bet it works much more effective. E.g. “Oh master of Thai blackmagic, please put a curse on some pervert so that his kukujiao shrinks to to the size of a lizard tail.” It works faster, more effective and won’t kill you with the stresses of following-up.

Anyway…..like the song goes, “I did my best, but my best wasn’t good enough…” I shall leave it to Divine help.

Please don’t speculate or guess what/who I am referring to. Don’t you dare to mention any names. But just know that this is the kind of frustrations people who try to find help gets. *go bang head on wall*

My point is - Spending billions of Ringgit is pointless. Giving first class infrastructure to …….. I do not need to complete the sentence, you get what I mean.

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This is a personal ramblings from topic to topic. Jotting down what I did, all in a day’s life will probably put things in better perspective.

1) It is easy to express things in English sentences. It is hard to say them in Hokkien. Today, I told him, “I hope you understand, both of us are telling you to walk, sit and move is not because we are being cruel (boh leong sim) but we want the best for you. I know it is very hard for you and I know you are afraid of getting the tubes dislodged. But you cannot lie in one position because you are getting bed sores. Your leg muscles will waste away if you don’t apply pressure on it. In no time, you may not be able to walk. So, please try your best. We are talking from our friends’ experiences. When your muscles are weak, you will have a hard time to be strong again. So, remember to do it. Don’t be afraid the catheter can dislodge. Ask the nurse to put more plasters and hold it and walk, please.”

2) After that we asked the wife to massage his legs and also to tell him to kick the bed end and apply pressures on the leg. It is darn hard to see him in depression and yet, we cannot allow him to remain there because it will make the situation worse. I feel so bad telling him about the guy in a wheelchair who can insert his own catheter (the tube to release urine). I feel so guilty telling him that he can totally become not be able to walk if he keeps in that position. If he won’t listen to the doctors and nurses, how is he going to listen to me? (We are unable to get support groups to visit as well, not know at least) Will he know that I had gone through that depth of despair, totally no hope, no strength and that abyss where death is the most welcoming thought? Does he know that a mother’s pain of seeing her own son dying is as painful as his own pain? I hope the Divine Being will pull him back and show him that we mean well.

3) The positive thing is he is now much more open to eating other than fish and mee suah. My heart leap with joy when his wife told me he asked for a second helping today when I made potatoes and spinach. For the second meal, I asked him if it is ok with the spaghetti? He said he like it. Praise God. I cut the spaghetti into tiny pieces like the size of a grain of rice because he cannot chew. I thank God that I have the patience and the dedication to prepare just a few strands of pasta just so he will get some nourishment. I even cut the brocolli florets into tiny speckle. Tomorrow, I am going to blend some vegetable soups.

4) Thank God that my husband has the courage to be not working just so that he can spend more time with the family and thank God that he is around for his sister. We are fine without his income, praise God again because of some blessings. Otherwise, both of us won’t be able to provide help when help is needed. This experience is more than enough to enrich our lives, albeit less $$.

(long corridor of Penang GH)

5) Going to the hospital at odd hours mean both hubby and I had to find the back alleys and corridors to avoid being stopped by the guards. I have walked through paediatric wards, paediatric chemo and so many other wards. I have seen so many sick people. It is more than what I was exposed to during my seven months of taking care of my sick son. Private hospital is very discreet. Public hospitals mean you see all the agonies, deaths, dying and etc. Nothing faze me. This is a blessing because not many people has the same courage as my hubby and I.

6) I always remember how welcoming a smile is, an encouraging nod or a short chat is when you are there, in the lonely corridors taking of someone you loved. Whether it is a mom, pushing her child who is probably undergoing cancer treat or the wife looking forlon at her husband or lonely man with no visitors. I hope God will never let me forget this because that’s the purpose of our lives. Feeling the pain of another.

(a little jar of longan and red date tea, I make it like the real deal of a wedding tea)

7) My nephew and his wife gave tea to their grandpa just now. (accounts of them on my faith blog) Note that the points I made on 1-6 above is not for the grandpa but my in-law. They are two different patients in two separate wards. My niece even took a video of the whole tea ceremony. She has rushed off to KL because her boyfriend’s father passed away today at 2pm. My prayers and condolences to Jerry.

As I went to wash the cup, I told the Malay woman sitting by the window. I told her, “Kami buat adat perkhawinan. Takut nanti ahpek tak sempat tunggu cucu kahwin bulan depan. Kami bagi dia minum teh kira dah kahwin, bagi orang tua gembira.” She find it so interesting and came by to chat.

Point 7 above - It means that when you are in a situation where despair, fears, worries and pain manifest, we do not see our colour, creed, faith. We are one and we are there for each other. As I passed through one of the female wards earlier, four women, an Indian, two Chinese and one Malay were sitting in a group chatting so animatedly. They are sick but they have spirits. It makes us all kind of stupid why we go all the way to put each other down at other times when we are feeling good.

9) I have always been the spoilt one with RM350 allocation from health insurance for hospital stay/per night. My kids have grown up with first class, private room in private hospitals. We have always been the demanding patients. But now, looking at the Government hospital, I think I can endure it. You know, our Government hospital is not so bad after all? People are much more friendlier and kinder when they are poorer.

10) Lastly, what I did today? I resolve to start on a new journey. I am reading the Al-Kitab which is the Bible in Bahasa Malaysia. It is big decision and I pray I have the wisdom to discern the Word of God in Bahasa Malaysia. It is not some child’s play and I know it is a huge responsibility but I choose to do it. I asked for the priest’s blessing and he gave me a copy. Thank you, Father.

“Apa yang tersembunyi akan dinyatakan, dan apa yang dirahsiakan akan didedahkan. Jika kamu bertelinga, dengarlah baik-baik.”

(Markus)

The above long ramblings is just to get everything out of my head so that I can continue doing what is needed in the following days to come. Otherwise, all the images can be overwhelming.

Phew….now off to writing paid posts…..Thanks to all who read up till the end.

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I have a special post dedicated to the YOU out there. Before that, I write for my regular readers first.

Let me post this Aerosmith song ‘I don’t wanna miss a thing’ which is the song from the movie Armageddon from one of those unforgettable movie about end times.

David Cook American Idol winner #1 sang this in the Top Three Finalist in American Idol season 7. The Youtube video is available for embedding but I prefer Aerosmith big mouth and his wicked witch look. Without doubt, David Cook is going to be the American Idol season 7 winner.

Now back to my title. Hey, you! Yes, I am talking to you.

I am not talking to the ones who visit my blog every day and leave comments.
I am not talking to the ones who visit my blog once in a while and feel fine reading whatever they happen to find on that day.
I am not talking to the ones who read my blogs, like them and tell me personally.
I am not talking to some of my silent readers who never post comment here but they do write to me personally if I ask for some help or info.
I am not talking to the ones who happened to stumble here.

I am talking to you.
You who detest me and yet, silently read, without fail, three to four times a day.
Not only the main post but the comments, keeping updated on who have commented and who have not.
I am talking to you who silently lurks around to pick up something that you deem to be ‘bad’ about me and then, walks off sniggering happily with the satiated and satisfied feelings like “Lei sui chor….tai sei, padan muka, serves you right, you evil woman, bad karma.”

Yes! You the silent, lurkers whose sadistic joy is to enjoy getting dissed and then, asked me to fuck off on my own blog and said you are never coming back. Yet…why are you reading this, you moron! Catch you, didn’t I?

And eheh, am I good or what? One day Moron’s Day, next day Silent lurking hater day. Kreakkk ptui!

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“Dear, a pinch of salt also cannot? Doctor got say cannot meh? One tiny pinch will make a lot of difference. Somemore hor, if we have lack of sodium, we can get delusional. Sure cannot? One pinch lorrr. After all, they are giving him such big packet of liquid to clear his system.”

“Cannot…”

“He knows meh? Maybe if the food is tastier, he can eat more? Moreover hor, the mee suah is loaded with salt also.”

“Cannot…”

“Ok lah, ok lah…no salt. I put garlic ok? Or else the fish smells fishy. Somemore garlic good for cancer. And I put one drop of olive oil. We need oil in our diet. If they ask, you tell them fish natural oil ok?”

“I don’t know lah.”

“You ask them lah, why must eat the same meal everyday? Tell them, tumeric is very good for infection. Medically proven. I can go buy some fresh tumeric and prepare fish with it. Sure tasty and have healing property. Ask lah.”

“People say only mee suah and fish, with no salt or anything else.”

“Pepper and a bit of cornflour to make the fish fillet smoother, ok gua….”

“You ha…”

“Trust me lah…if given free hand to me, I sure fatten him up with my cooking. The doctor doesn’t restrict his diet, why must eat so little? I make some spinach, carrot and potato soup….Nicer mah…”

“Aiyar…so clever, you go ask lah.”

“Ok lah, don’t want suak-suak khi lah. People offer only mah…”

And today is the beginning of a long journey ahead. I am not talking about my own journey of cooking. Rather, it is a long journey to cancer treatment.

To those of you who read my Christian Journey probably knew the rant I made the other day. By sheer coincidence or the work of the Holy Spirit, the people asked me to do it the next day. I felt a bit guilty for the rant but that’s how I felt at that moment in time. So, it is brewing barley, some cooling Chinese herbs and other stuffs for drinks and cooking mee suah for the two meals.

My relative started radiotherapy today. I thought it is for his cancer treatment but the doctor said it is just to stop the bleeding from the kidney. He is now warded at the Penang General Hospital and the radiotherapy or (whatever they call the treatment which is to be done in Pantai Mutiara) is not part of the cancer treatment yet.

Both hubby and I have seen critical illness and death so the two of us are so cool about everything. We went to visit the other day (actually hubby is doing the running around, three times a day) and asked him to walk more but he is rather down and was lying on his bed all day. I do not know if it is frustrating for him or beneficial to him because both of us insisted that he should get up and walk around with his urine bag and all those drips because it will strengthen his muscles and gives better blood circulation.

That’s why I do not like to go too often because to me, nothing is too difficult. I gently explained that the catheter is in place and secure so he doesn’t have to worry too much of dislodging it. But it is hard for the patient because it is a big whack on his life.

So, my dear friends, pray that he will regain the mental strength to counter the weakened body. I really do not know what the future holds for him. He had to stop the treatment at Adventist because it was getting too costly. However, on the positive side, our Government Hospital is rather well equipped and if not, they refer to Pantai Mutiara (at Gov hospital cost). Maybe I should thank Chua Soi Lek for these facilities.

His children have been informed, btw.

Ok, Florence Nightingale is going for her rounds. Ta ta!

P/S : Suggestions for diet/meals/foods for cancer patients who are undergoing radiotherapy is most welcome.

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1) Parents casually sit on their bikes or stand chatting with each other outside the school gates while their 7 - 12 years old were singing Negaraku. If I am the headmaster, I will bring the cane outside and whack them. HOI, hormat sikitlah!

2) I may not remember the exact Rukunegara percepts but I still can lafaz somewhat. Can you? I bet most Malaysians cannot. So, go and memorise them lah.

* KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
* KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
* KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
* KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
* KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN

3) I am so thankful I never have to drop any kids at school each morning or my life will be shorten by 10 years. You CANNOT stop your car in the middle of the road, without giving signal, open the door, take your kid across and walk back.

4) People must not honk me at 6 am in the morning because my mind hasn’t wake up and reflex is slow. So you slow-slow wait till I get out to the busy Jalan Air Itam. Your honking only caused me to purposely go at turtle speed.

5) And why the hell do I wake up at 6 am? Because I was angry at the wrong thing for the wrong reason. Serves me right. I spent a total of 30 minutes in the car, 28 minutes somewhere and ended up with more things to rant. But then, what’s my blog without some rants, right?

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