Longest 5 days of my life

Five days and counting in the hospital. Even my nails have grown too long. Have not seen the sunlight in the open. Twenty four hours times five days in aircond sort of suck the life out of me. No chance of sweating and maximum number of steps I made is under 1,000 per day.

Of course, I am not complaining but jotting down these. In fact, I am thankful that I took the decision to visit Lam Wah Ee and not the government clinic as I intended to do on Monday morning.

The doctor said I have staph bacteria. They took samples of my urine, sputum, nose and throat swabs on Monday. Lovingly keep those in jelly in the lab and feed those bacterias to find out whats inside me. Like what NHS said on their medical website – Staphylococcal infections are a group of infections caused by the bacterium Staphylococcus. You may have heard them referred to as “staph infections”.

I know a lot about Staph because last time, when Vincent was in ICU, that was the most feared infection as baby like him has no immunity and hence, can die because of it.

I am allergic to bactrium and penicillin and hence, that made me hard to be treated. Although I had five days of antibiotics injected into me, I cannot say I am 100% well. So the doctor kept me in here.

I was also referred to an ENT. And even Mr. ENT agreed that I cannot go home yet. So yeah, another day of porridge for morning, day and night. Glad that I got admitted because if I had been rotting at home, I probably would end up with urinary tract infection which is the most uncomfortable feelings. I could probably get pneumonia and that will complicated things further.

So five days of putting me in bed, eating porridge, humbling experience of being the sick, the hungry and the weak.

Just called my boy and told him he should visit me because it makes Lent mission complete. He can tell the world he had done something good like Jesus asked – The weak, the sick, the hungry, the prisoner (prisoners get better foods than me), the naked (cos I had to rely on him to bring me my clothes from home) and the poor (cos I have only few bucks left after I buy my own lunch extras LOL).

So yeah, God has kept me very cheerful. I have a lot of time to read the Bible, a lot of time to be silent and reflect, a lot of time to pray too. I has set out to be on vegetarian fasting but now, I got more than I bargain for. Though I have some chicken and fish (for protein sake), the rest of the foods are out of my touch. Five days of porridge is my Lent sacrifice. By Easter, I can be proud that I have started on a clean slate with five days (and counting) of solitude, porridge eating retreat. Thanks to medical insurance, of course.

Hospital stay an eye opening and revelation

Monday, I merrily drove myself to Lam Wah Ee as I thought I just need a batch of oral antibiotics to get my thick yellowish phelgm cleared. As a hospital stay expert, with Vincent’s 7 months in ICU here and the son with asthma, I already know what to expect.

So, I dressed for office, message the office admin I will go in after lunch. But oh oh, the MO found that my white blood cells were low (I think). So I got admitted.

At first I felt kinda silly to be hospitalised for a mere sore throat. Actually it is not as simple but I probably has high tolerance. The jaw hurts, the tongue hurts, the ears hurt, the eye even had discharge. The body ache, feverish, chills but all rather mild and I was still ok.

But God has a way to tell me Dont Play Play. The girl next door had been admitted to ICU for five days just because of a cold (pneumonia I suppose) and she had tracheostomy. According to her grandma, the doctors told them that they didnt know if she could make it. Tracheostomy is when the doctor poke a hole in your throat, and stuff the pipe to help you breathe. In normal circumstances, they will intubate you, as in open up your mouth with some spatula and shove the pipe down.

I know all about ventilator, intubation and stuff from Vincent’s long ICU stay. So I know how serious one can get from just an infection. So I felt much better and less silly to be warded for just simple infection. It was like wow, Lilian, you do not want that to happen to you, right??

 

So, that girl left and one old lady came in middle of the night. I heard she lost consciousness during her sleep. So she was warded next to me. But midway, she had seizure and the nurses rushed into my room to give her suction and oxygen. Again, Vincent’s mom know all about seizure, SPO2, pulse, BP etc.

Kinda of deja vu for me. But here, something connected to me. What happened to the old lady was so sudden. Now I understand how my mom had died. 20 years ago, she was warded for a bad cold. After we ensured she was all comfortable, we went home to sleep. I was 7 months pregnant with David, my third son.

Next morning, we woke up to the news that mother had died. Dying was never in my mind at all. She was taking care of my two older sons. The night before she even told me what to do with Michael who was about 4 years old. Michael was extra clingy for some reasons and insisted my mother who had a cold to go to the school van to carry him down. I suppose he as a child had the premonition.

I was 7 months pregnant and probably, by instinct I held back some emotions as I do not want to get into distress. Plus at that time, I had to deal with mother’s two favourite grandsons, age 6 and 4. So, I was the strong one in the family.

I remembered I went to Loh Guan Lye or is it Adventist, heck I cannot remember now to see the doctor why mom can die just like that. At first, my husband and I went to the morgue because I wanted to see her myself. Strangely, no matter how we asked for directions, we never got there because we couldn’t find the morgue.

I guess its the divine way of shielding me the pregnant woman from going into morgues. Anyway, later on, I had been to morgues many times, even for strangers. Guess God has a way to use me.

So, we went to see the doctor because I demanded a closure. The doctor explained that the virus went virulent and mother had a sudden collapse. She never had any medical problems. The doctor said her whole body just gave up. He said if not, part of her will be paralysed as she stopped breathing for a long time and her brains stop functioning.

Today when I see how sudden the old lady turned for the worse comforted me that yeah,things happened. Nothing we can do about it. The old lady is now lovingly cared by the children in a special unit. May she recovers soon.

As for my mother, I remembered telling my distraught siblings and nephews and nieces that probably that was how my mother had wanted it. To be quick and not to burden us.

This hospital stay also humbled me. I used to have first class private room stay. Since none of us use, hubby told me he will pay less premium for medical insurance and reduce to twin bedded. When he asked me, I said ok lah, not that we will want to be hospitalised. Yesterday, I had forgotten and thought I would be having a single room. But I guess being here with another person had revealed to me some things that I had kept in my memories.

Old people health can just deteriorate really fast. Simple cold or infection can lead to death or near death like the woman who is probably in her 30s. So treasure life, live it, love fully and never regret.

A weekend well spent

This morning, I was almost in tears when I read some of the affirmation notes from Form 2 & 3. I was touched because they had written really sincere feelings. Never expect these from them as I was expecting cliches stuffs. I am glad that I had taken my time to write each a personal note as well.

It is now almost 9 pm and I finally get to rest my feet, tucked in bed in my aircond bedroom. I still have to go dry my clothes, ie transfer the wet ones to the dryer. Two batches more to go. So not entirely the ‘I am free for the weekend.’

One of the girl said how I have continued to talk to her though I am no longer her teacher. I am glad the students know that when I said I love them in class, I really mean it. When I assure them I am open, and never take me as their mother figure, I also mean it.

After so many psychology and counselling courses I attended, I know that I cannot fit into the mother-figure role because I am not the regular woman. I want the youths to know that I don’t use the same benchmark other parents use on them.

Often youth faces problem because of this parental-child issues. I take pride that in the past, youths and young adults who faced problems did turn to me. So yeah, when I read the affirmation notes from the 14 and 15 years old, I know they don’t see this aunty with expectations for please thank you but like I said to them, Life sucks, deal with it.

So, this weekend was very hectic. On Saturday, I spent 9-5 in church and managed to share about Growth with the youths. Then, I rushed home and went for cycling at night.

I am glad that someone threw me into the deep end of the ocean a while back and now, fun rides like last night was just a simple cycling. That’s how I deal with life, find the most difficult one and just jump in and stay afloat. He now declared I am a veteran rider.

That is a big boost of confidence to me. Next Sunday, I have triathlon which involved 800 m of swimming, 24 KM of cycling and 7 KM of running. Now that I am certified as a veteran rider and I had achieved 21KM, the riding and running do not scare me. I just need to remember to keep my sugar level high.

However, the swimming part still worries me. I need to calm my mind and imagine my imaginary coach telling me 800m is only 8 U-turns and just U-turn without trying to flip. Now, I U-turn by standing straight and then, lurch forward.

So, I got home from the cycling at night, about to sleep to prepare for a morning ride with some friends. However, work fell on my lap. And again, Sunday is a working day.

An extraordinary working day because it was one whirlwind of the mind and fingers working while coordinating with a team of colleagues. I am so glad everything went well and I am proud of being able to save the world, once again LOL.

Passing by the Batu Lancang market, I decided to play the domesticated housewife and went marketing. Cook whatever I fancy eating and that turned out to be five dishes. I am amazed how I can cook so easily, so fast and so tasty. Must be my good Hainanese genes.

As if that is not enough, I even went to Zumba. Yesterday, before the cycling, I also jumped in to Zumba. Now if I heard Zumba music, I must start jumping LOL.

Zumba has done great things for me. Without it, I wont have the muscles and staminas to do other things. So yeah, it is going to be a killer week because I got to complete my work as I am going to Langkawi on Thursday till Saturday.

Sunday I am going to jump into the pool and trust God. Just like how Jesus told Simon (or is it Peter? Hmm….) to get down from the boat and walk on water, or is it walk from the beach…hmmm…I am so bad with Bible stuffs but never mind, I have faith that whatever things I do, God is with me.

I choose you (John 15:16)

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit–fruit that will last–and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

Eerily, everything screams that God is real.

I made up my mind to go for our Cathedral’s 13th year dedication tonite at 8 pm on Jan 20. Thirteen years ago, I did not join in the huge celebration when our church was upgraded to become a Cathedral. I was on bed rest. I was pregnant with Matthew and was going thru RCIA (a year of soul searching and learning before one can become a Catholic). My previous pregnancy ended at 28 weeks due to placenta praevia (the placenta detached and I bled).

Then when I had Matthew, I had pre-eclampsia where my blood pressure shot up sky high. So I had to be on bed rest. He was born 36 weeker. Anyway, I never like huge celebrations and all the rituals. So I didnt miss much. I get to ponteng RCIA as well LOL.

This morning, I was a little emo. Then, all was ok. Then, when I got to church, I saw the awesome cross beaming in the dark sky. So I took a photo. When I was about to get into church, I decided to be nice and held the door for some elderly folks to enter as the door is very heavy and they had walking sticks. Four of them. Slow slow walk, so I decided to post the photo.

And I just blurted out that I was there because of Vincent. And I knew if there is that moment when God asked me to choose if I would go through the same pains I had gone thru having given birth to Vincent and only to lose him, would I do it? And I had said to myself before, I would. I would go thru the pain because it was that 7 months when he was alive and the months after that when I grieved his loss, I learned to live.

It was Vincent that I turned to Christianity and the belief of resurrection. It is only after Vincent that I had Matthew and treasured my role as a mother and the preciousness of our children.

By the time I finished typing my FB status, uncles all gone in, after thanking this Jaga Pintu Lilian. I was totally emo by then at the entrance hymn. My tears splashed on the pew but it is ok. Cos not many people in the church. What do I care, anyway.

Bishop Sebastian celebrate mass. I love Bishop Seb cos his homily is short, short, short. And I could typed out whatever he said in my Note on my phone. Nevermind that I could feel people cursing I am playing with my phone, but again what do I care anyway.

Bishop Seb talked about the five arrows on his coat of arms. Love, Truth, Beauty, Freedom , Sacrifice. He wants us to remember these 3 things – discipleship, mission and mercy. Be Missionary disciple of mercy.

The reading on David fighting Goliath gave me new perspective. No longer it is the kid’s bible version but I see myself as the young, ill-equipped David who fought with the assurance that God is with me.

And oh boy, had I fought with all the demons and tyrants and nonsense through these 13 years. In the church, out of the church and everywhere.

Maybe the difference is I dont get to actually chop off anyone’s head like David did to Goliath.

Anyway, after fighting back the first torrential tears, I was ok. Then, the lyrics on Everytme we eat this bread hit me. It was John 15:16. That was my deciding moment. 13 years ago, I was hesitating if I am going to be baptised with my four sons because frankly, I dont like Christians. I was struggling if I can stand this life as a Christian. And John 15:16 told me that I didnt choose Christ, Christ chose me.

Then, at the closing hymn, my dam broke again. “May these tears be turned into dancing” And I was like…oh man….you think the tears are easy tears? No…it was the hardest tears. But heck, I did overcome.

It is only some days, which are very rare nowadays that I could cry. And I could laugh too.

Glad that I didn’t ponteng church today. Cos the dedication meant a lot to me as it is always the celebration of having Matthew. He is going to be 13 years on Feb 28.

Getting melancholy over the year end

Somehow, 2015 has been good to me. So here I am feeling all melancholy that it is coming to an end.

Health wise, everyone has been good. Thank God for that protection because as a mom, the most worrying thing is the safety and health of my children.

Finance wise, we have never been poor because we do not need much and again, we have enough. With the dropping MYR, our travel plans are limited only the neighbouring countries. Still we had some nice holidays.

Maybe one of the highlights of the year is my class reunion. That shall go down as one of those things you put a closure to. Though it has been nice to catch up, I found out that friendships should just stay that way. Far away and close at heart. I found that it is boring after a while trying to remain social on a daily basis. And hey, I left the Whatsapp group after I find it tiring having folks picking on ‘my boss’. If they don’t get it that I am who I am, and not who I work with, then, let’s move on and not piss me over the smallest matter. Like pointing out that ‘my boss’ is not a Penangite when my whole intention was to show a world champion badminton player.

My 51st birthday left some really memorable stuffs that are best left unsaid, unknown but nevertheless, one of those things that I can look back one day and die with a smile.

As at today, I had completed 164 sessions of exercise. This is one thing that I had never expected. I had lost a lot of weight, got stronger and more active. This is the biggest achievement.

I had ran. I had ridden. I had Zumba-ed. I had earned medals. And I am going for further distance.

Age has taught me to be less docile. I hate liars and hypocrites. I hate whinney people I hate boastful people. I had naggy people. And through 2015, I had probably pissed off many people in these categories. Enough of putting up with their idiosyncrasy and their pain-in-the-butt. Screw it, I don’t care anymore.

Church wise, I have quite a ‘questioning’ time. This year, I am less churchie and I know when to say no and when to stay away when I cannot commit. Glad that I have many times questioned God. Glad that despite of all the ‘down time’, I bounced back.

Work wise, I managed to stay out of big trouble. LOL. Actually I am beginning to like this civil service thing. They give you all sorts of training and it is up to us whether to absorb and improve. I can look back and claimed I was the best English public speaker, I almost won the best English speller except they gave me a Latin legal term. Cheat eh, where can give Latin when it is English hor? Anyway, I happily lose to Carol, my emcee friend.

So, what does 2016 has in store for me? I don’t know. Just remain gentle and calm. I don’t ask for prosperity. I don’t ask for success. I don’t ask for fame. Just let me live day by day with a purpose in life. May God make me a useful instrument in His great big plan.

No Christmas choir for me this year

Met my choir group friend today and she asked me to join the practice today. Sadly, I told her I cannot join as I am too tied up.

It is a huge change because I think I had never skipped joining the Christmas choir before. But I suppose the adage ‘We propose, God dispose’ is a good reminder.

Today, I planned to go for SCORE to help. But, by the time I am done with my work, it was already too late. Work caused me to sweat buckets as it was an outdoor thing under the hot sun and dusty construction site. Work was worth it as I could see with my eyes things taking place and had my faith in humanity restored.

That brings me to the joy of being alive. I may not be very involved in church activities but when I am working and there are things that restored my faith or showed me the things related to poverty, generousity, service and such, I feel great.

Some weeks back, someone asked me if I can help in the primary school camp. I had to decline. Looking at my November calendar, I think I don’t even have any weekend for myself, what more for churchies stuffs.

My secondary class camp clashed with my ‘wajib hadir’ teambuilding. When you are in the civil service, wajib hadir is a wajib thing you do not want to escape. So again, church has to take a second priority.

I think I am going to blot out some time for myself because I am tired of this giving to family, church, work, community thing. I should just shut down everything and fly off ALONE to some place and do whatever I fancy. I owe it to myself, really. That way I don’t need to check if my kids want to eat what I want, shop where I want or any of those stuffs. It will be all about me, myself and I. Now, that sounds like a great ending for a blog post titled Christmas choir, eh?

Incidentally Whitney Houston popped up on Youtube with this song :

Like today, I woke up at 550 am to go to church with my boy, got home after breakfast, marketing and cook some dishes and went to work at 11 am. That stretched to 1 pm, rushed to drop my boy at church again and by the time I got home, I dropped dead and zzzz for three hours. Woke up and prepared dinner. Wanted to go to the gym or pool but was sneezing like crazy and I guess my body is telling me to just freaking stop doing and stop moving. So here I am….rotting with songs, reading and crapping.

MUST. DO. IT. ON. MY. OWN. Holiday, ie.

If I can throw a rock at God’s window….

On certain days, I have that feelings of wanting to throw a rock at God’s window. Just to break it, so that He knows I exist and I am angry.

I am not sure why but I have confided in a couple of friends how I am tired of the negotiating process. As an adult, a rather wise one, I do know that God doesn’t negotiate with us.

I know I can find those answers if I spend more time looking thru the Bible. But hey, didn’t Jesus said we must have faith like a child? And only when we have faith like a child, we can enter Heaven?

So, it is not too far fetch to have the urge to throw a rock and break, hopefully those beautiful stained glass windows that costs a bomb that churches spend on using donations from over generous individuals who are too keen to wash clean themselves by donating tens of thousands to buy stained glasses imported from Italy…bla bla bla bla…

Yesterday, Sunday morning, I was drag to church because my little boy had to serve the 645 am mass. Heck, how does one keep awake at 645am? In order to get there, I have to set my alarm to 5.30 am because my little worry wart wants to be in church by 6.15am.

Then I realised that I have not gone to CHS for nearly a month. And before you chided me or stoned me for not going to mass every Sunday like all good Catholics do, I did go but not to CHS because I was elsewhere, ok? So yeah, go away self-righteous people.

And self-righteous people are what made me want to throw stone at God’s window. Hmmmm…maybe I was targeting at the wrong person? Maybe I should lastic those people instead. Like how David lastik Goliath?

Anyways….I finally said it out loud – Days when I want to throw a rock at God’s window because I think too many things are being unfair to me, the people around me and the people in the world. Like how I ask for one simple favor and get a selamba (slumber) god that never want to fulfil that one single thing so that I can move on. Or how so many people are getting life threatening illness. How people whom I see as the most caring and loving are inflicted with tragedy.

Or how that god (regardless if you are Muslim/Christian who believe in that one God of Abraham and his descendants) did not sort of smack the bad government/bad officials/bad administration but instead caused the deaths of hundreds.

So now that I had said it, time’s up. Back to work. This is too long for Facebook status so I blogged it.

*keeps my rock for another day*