This is one of those ‘I don’t know what title to use’ blog post where there are so many things you want to say but you can’t. Yet, bottling them up is like a soda in a bottle waiting to pop.

Yesterday, or is it day before yesterday, someone I least expect said the most unexpected thing that made me feel nothing but grateful. Sometimes, we wonder if God is even listening. We doubt if there is even a religion. We wonder if it is a foolish delusion of a saviour.

We were sitting at a round table for some discussion. She said, ‘You are looking very cheerful and happy. When I saw you after the police case (where my beautiful face was plastered in every papers as the cybercriminal whose big mouth got her employer into the big badass Utusan), you were looking a bit down. I dare not ask you how you are because from your expression, you looked a bit down. That’s why when I saw you (a few days before our discussion), I asked how you are because you are a lot cheerful.’

It may be a simple small talk. But she doesn’t need to do small talks with me because she is not just anybody. She is somebody. Yet, she noticed and she brought it up.

I am not sure if I did look a bit down, maybe I did. Just that I thought my smiles could cover everything. But it probably didn’t. Whatever.

I have a new Macbook now. A very, very new one. Something that I should have gotten over 16 months ago. But my old Mac’s fate is still unknown. How many times have I picked up my phone, keyed in some old question that I had to rephrase a 1,001 ways. But I deleted it. No point asking anymore. I will get the same answer. Tunggu.

So, what do I do but to keep smiling, keep looking cheerful, and keep hoping that someone like the person will sometimes asked me to show their support.

This is better than those whom you thought are close to you but didn’t ask you anything because they already decided that you are guilty and you deserved it and hence, they are just waiting gleefully to laugh. To them, I am thankful that God reveals their true colours from this episode.

So it is always good to be thankful. Even for the enemies within. And the strangers crossing our paths.

Posted on October 15th, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 2 Comments »

Dear Mac

It is raining now. I am listening to emo songs playing on the radio. Lite.fm has those old love songs that make you emo.

So, I am missing you. And I found some old photos of you in my Flickr.

Darling Mac, do you remember what lovely home I provided to you? You used to compete with a pink Vaio. I place you in a pink room with pink love hearts, pink lamp and pink table cloth.

When I was a full-time blogger, I was very loaded. I could buy you easily. I hardly use you because I have so many other gadgets. You were a lucky Mac, darling.

Now, some bad people have said you are a bad Mac. The police came to take you away. Now, you are probably stored in dusty storeroom in Mines Cybersecurity. Or have Tuan taken you back to Brickfields and living amongst murder suspects, drug pushers, killers and really bad people?

Do they treat you nice, Mac? Do they use you or abuse you?

These are your old photos. Back in November 2007. Do you have a soul? I think you do. Please, Mac dear, do your loving mistress a favour. Please, like all foul mouth people like your mistress, please curse that Tony Yew for me.

Let’s see what you can curse….

You can curse that for the rest of his life, he is forever going to endure computer crashing on him at the most critical moment.

You can also curse that he gets flaccid as often. No amount of tongkat ali can help, like computer shut down. *teet……dah mati pucuk*

Or maybe you can curse both.

Thank you, Mac. Till I see you, please tell Tuan not to be angry with me for this post. I am tired of asking already.

With loads of love,

Your Mac Mistress. XOXO

Posted on October 9th, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 3 Comments »

I was chatting with a girl friend today. We were talking about finding Mr. Right.

You know, female reporters are the most cincai and most do not make-up. Initially when I was into this CJ thingie, it was okay for me because I am on my own. Moreover, I am a videographer and video or photo people have lots of running, squatting, rushing and squeezing in dirty, hot, enclosed spaces so we are not known to wear anything nice.

Powder from grandmas era

Usually, we do not know our schedules so we do not know what to expect. Like the other day, I was crazy enough to wear my peacock long maxi skirt with a black t-shirt to work, thinking that it is an easy Friday. That day turned out to be the most hectic day with press conference, demo and protest. I cannot attend the demo planned by Ghani, for sure. I can’t blend in with the crowd. Then, I have to walk quite a distance to Trader’s Hotel because it is too near for driving and quite a distance to walk in rain. So, there I was, running in the drizzle from Traders to Komtar in puddles of water, with my long skirt as mop. *roll eyes*

Still, I like to make-up. My colleagues are used to see me bringing out the make-up in the morning and pour on the ICI paint and cement foundation. It is like a ritual except on days when I am really tired and can’t find the mood.

(these are photos I filed under Knick-knacks collected over the years)

So, back to this girl friend. She usually tie her hair. And she rarely make-up, not even lipstick.

How can, woman? Women must have at least five lipsticks, in different tones like pink, red, peach, brown and nude.

Foundation is a necessity. So is sun protection.

Then, powder comes in loose form and compact. I must have my loose one and then, touch up with compact through the day.

Eye shadows just make tiny Chinese slit eyes bigger.

When I don’t expect sweaty work, I even apply mascara and eye-liner.

My Bobbi Brown with my ex-pink Vaio

Lipstick. How can you do without lipstick?

She asked me, “What for make-up, not like I am selling my body?!?!?”

*roll eyes*

I think that’s where most girls got it wrong lor. We make-up not to offer ourselves to the horny males. Though of course, that’s the reason make-up were invented, I think?

Still, I don’t think it is to attract mates but rather to make ourselves feel good, look good and just do it because we can.

Now, at least I have a few more female colleagues who are almost half my age and we got into doing female stuffs like going shopping together, talk about make-up and such. So, I am back into full throttle in this make-up business.

I just painted my nails black yesterday. I told this friend who doesnt believe in make-up that the black colour was not my idea. There is a buy one, free one Revlon deal and I bought a red nail polish and my son egged me on to get a black one. I have kept it for a while but took it out to ‘mourn Steve Jobs’. Doh…

Dear Mac, do you miss me? (this is an old photo)

She doesnt believe me. Never mind, it is true my son asked me to buy and yes, it is true I am mourning Steve Jobs, or rather find the excuse.

Frankly my dear, the time and money spent on make-up is worth it. Go try lah. It may not get you Mr Right but a few Mr Wrongs is also fun also mahhhh

Posted on October 9th, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 1 Comment »

Ah! The drama! The outpouring of grief. The melodramatic postings on Facebook especially. Really beh tahan. I know Steve Jobs is or should I say was a great man? He made me my iPad, iPhone and iMac. And my soon to be Macbook Pro.

But do we really need to idol worship a man that way? Have we not live our own lives somewhat the same way he did? Albeit in our tiny way, minus all the iNvent? Don’t we leave our own legacy?

Maybe I am more cynical and pooh-pooh all these emo stuffs because I am much influenced by Stephen Covey 20 years back? One of the seven principle is ‘Begin with the end in mind’. And I do see death, my own, as something that will happen. And what more when I stare at death every single day when my fourth baby was around?

I see people dying everyday at the ICU. So, people, get a grip. We die all the time. Don’t lah act like Steve Jobs is the first man to die likedat.

That said, one profound thought from Steve Jobs that I really embrace. I didn’t embrace from Steve Jobs, doh. I have done it years ago. He said :

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” [Stanford commencement speech, June 2005]

And in May 2005 (hey, noticed that I was first before Steve?) I wrote something similar. I said we women shouldn’t live someone else life. We may be loving mothers but we cannot pour all our energy, resources and beauty into taking care of the kids only. By beauty, I mean those aunties outside the school gates with their capri pants and flowery loose blouse and slippers.

I said,

No matter how busy motherhood is, I like to place my own happiness first.
(from this May 24th 2005 blog post)

Today, six and a half years later, I think my choice of taking care of myself first is not such a bad choice after all. I never have to deal with disobedient children nor terrible teens. They are a wonderful bunch. But only because I was never the grouchy and discontent mom.

So, people, get over it already. Steve Jobs is dead. But you are not. So go on and live it. Stop calling yourself the “Mrs So&So”. Your mom and dad gave you a name, use it, fools.

Posted on October 7th, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 2 Comments »

I cannot sleep. Because I fell asleep at 7 pm till 9 pm. Now I am as alert as those chirpy birds outside our window in the mornings.

If I have my regular work computer with me, probably I can do some useful stuffs. But all I have is a computer I hijacked from my 8 yrs old. Therefore, I can only surf, blog, read some adult books, women magazine (I am not sure which is more evil, though) or express those thoughts.

So, I tweedle around my blog and decided I want a Christmas theme. The regular one that I have used for three years. And along with it, some snow fall as well.

To make the mood more Christmassy, I play Andy William’s White Christmas. Now that completes the mood.

The sombre feel of Christmas layered with the joy some felt. Christmas gives different feelings to different people. It is a sombre thing to me.

Let’s take it further. Put some Christmas photos of the past.

Who cares it is only October? We have 81 days till Christmas.

But I am starting to get into the mood from now on.

So, Merry Christmas!

P/S : Subliminal message – Tuan, all I want for Christmas is my Mac.

**I hope they are still monitoring me and what I say everyday**

Posted on October 5th, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | 2 Comments »

Church is a nice place to seek refuge. It has that awesome feeling of being in something big and all enveloping. Like a huge palm that embrace you and tell you, ‘Hey, it’s ok, you are safe here’.

But then, many times, we are too self-assured, too preoccupied with our achievements, too busy with life to feel the need to find refuge.

I guess there are also many people who live goody-goody life, nothing extreme, no tragedy, no betrayal, all rosy and hunky-dory to even need God. I don’t know.

So, yesterday was one of those days when I know I need that little refuge. And I walked in. All dressed up for work. I was going to some Muslim area and I wore some baju kurung type of blouse.

And there was this vineyard story. I actually am quite fearful of the sourgrapes and the bad vines that will be chopped and throw in the fire. I mean, come on, how are we to know if we are the sourgrapes or the sweet seedless grapes? Right? It is not like we have some lable at the church entrance.

Or at the exit. Where the priest is going to give you a little golden star sticker for being a sweet grape and a black one for being a sourgrape. And you walk out, knowing which grape you are.

Sure it is easy for priests to preach about being good and being bad. But really…how are we to know if we are good or bad? What defines good and bad? The expectations and approvals of the people around us? That inner voice inside us?

Anyway, I was feeling rather tired of things, very empty and such. Things most Christians can relate to. Don’t try to make sense of what I said if you aren’t sure of our Christian feelings are. Because it can be interpreted differently.

And wham! The second reading speaks to me :

Philippians 4:6-9 ©
There is no need to worry; but if there is anything you need, pray for it, asking God for it with prayer and thanksgiving, and that peace of God, which is so much greater than we can understand, will guard your hearts and your thoughts, in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, fill your minds with everything that is true, everything that is noble, everything that is good and pure, everything that we love and honour, and everything that can be thought virtuous or worthy of praise. Keep doing all the things that you learnt from me and have been taught by me and have heard or seen that I do. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Then, Father B gave his homily. Very simple story. God gave this priest a cup full of milk. God asked him to bring it to the centre of the city (or something like that). And the priest did it for two days.

And God asked the priest what he was thinking in the last two days. And the priest scolded, ‘With a cup full of milk like that, and having to walk all the way to the city, how can I have time to think of anything else except to make sure the milk doesn’t spill.’

(I know Father B is going to feel glad that at least one single soul remembers his stories)

We are like that priest, too preoccupied. Sometimes, we have to be like the poor farmer (the other example mentioned). Poor people have to seek Divine help. Many times, I too have been desperate and pleaded with God. Well, I actually don’t see my Divine as God but rather Jesus. Again, we Christians have the option (maybe not exactly a right word) to connect with the Divine in the Trinity. God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Back to Father B’s homily, he talked about the sourgrapes and the good grapes. And I was shifting in my seat. The homily is getting long. I have to be at Straits Quay before 8 pm. Traffic is bad. Oh Father, how do I know if I am a good grape or bad grape? How? How? How?

And he reminded us that God has made us perfect, giving us all the tools to make sweet wine. He asked if we are giving God a good deal, ROI. He said. I was amused then. Hey, how come I never thought of that?

You know, people can get very self-righteous and think they are all giving God a good deal. They think they are perfect. They think their lives are the model families that is painted in our Family prayer. I hate those questions like ‘When is your husband coming?’ (to be baptised as Catholic). They are the sweet grapes, lah.

Urggh…

When I get that too often, I will sink and label myself the sour grape. Rugi punya investment God made in me. Doubts creep in. People always see me sitting alone in that pew. It does get scary when you are surrounded by families. People with 5 kids, 4 kids, 3 kids all in a row.

It was getting late and I slowly creep out after holy communion, never returning to my pew because it was already 7.10 pm. I got out of church, ran to my car which I had parked far away to avoid getting jammed.

And that question of ‘Am I a good ROI, am I a sourgrape’? Did I make God disappointed with whatever rubbish I have done?

But like always, the sky opens up. So many things happened. I met people who assured me that I am the changed person, the baptised Christian. I get uplifting words.

And at night, I somehow ended up in a venue with 20,000 mostly Muslims. Pious and religious one. And I feel peace. That we can actually have different faiths but that’s ok. When they prayed, I too remain solemn and think of how Divine the Almighty is.

Oh come on, if not for Divine intervention, I wouldn’t have been caught up in a situation where on my left, there are 20,000 Muslims and on my right, there are the highest and some of them most religious people. Initially, I freaked out. OMG, I SMS my colleague ‘Adoi, mati lah saya, berdiri pun tak boleh, jalan pun tak boleh, mati lah’. Because there was no space to move, and the only thing I could do was to sit at the side of the stage. I think I dare not even breathe! I was praying, ‘Aiyor God, I don’t know what they think of me, sitting here without my head covered, somemore in matching earrings. Will they curse me? Help me, God, aiyor, how lah, I can’t do anything at all’

But it was a rare opportunity and I brave myself and remind myself what my job is. And I got what I needed and am utterly proud of it.

So, a sweet grape I am.

Posted on October 2nd, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Faith | Comments Off

I am quite inspired by my last blog post. So happy to see so many familiar faces still around and understand how I feel about bloggers and blogs.

You know, we have really turned into shits. I just read The Malaysian Insider and they quoted our country leader saying ‘We have the recording…..(of LGE purportedly ‘shame’ some folks). That is probably a slip of the tongue of our country leader using the wrong ‘kata nama’. Maybe he should have said, ‘They (the TV station) have the recording?’. Or is this a real cause for concern. I don’t know about others but I find it scary that a country leader can refer to what was published on TV (and it is an issue that will have legal implications) as ‘We’. Meaning, he is part of it. He said it himself.

Why scary? Because we are like having no more privacy. That recording is just an audio recording, in a private function, meant for that few people. Yet, it has been turned into a huge debacle. Like we are all owned by ‘them’. Whoever that is. They are in our bedroom, they are in the boardroom, they are in the brothel, they are everywhere. Oh mommy! I am scared now! *grins*

Just like my case. I have no privacy in expressing something in my mind. Someone will find a way to make my thoughts theirs hypocrisy. Next week, God’s willing, my dear IO will tell me he can return my Mac to me. I will be thankful if he does.

Or he may not return it to me but charge me. Which I do understand. Somebody has to ‘win’, somewhere…. He had requested I keep the investigation private. Which I did. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything nor need to express them. So, you see, it is stupid stupid stupid. This invasion of privacy and then, the huge hoohaa on the media so that someone is seen as ‘winning’.

You know what? Google de-indexed me. Normally it is temporary after I ‘behave’ again. And it is perfect timing. Cos you can’t find me on Google. Which makes me invisible, sort of. Under the radar. Best!

I was just going through some old bloggers’ friends blog and many of them are still writing from their hearts. It is rare now to find blogs like that. Those we write without inhibition, talking even the most mundane things and yet, we write with full contention because it is us.

I met my ex-boss the other day. A Dato’ Seri. Not exactly my boss but the biggest boss. I thought he will not recognise me after all these years. But he immediately called me and said, ‘Lilian, I see you in the papers.’ Die lah, he probably thinks I have advanced from being the most efficient executive secretary in his company to a cyber criminal after all these years.

I am blessed I have not been judged too harsh by the local press. If not, I won’t be able to walk with my head held high. Places like my church, my sons’ schools, neighbourhood, working place….Such is the severity of the game. A person’s image can be killed by bad press if you are on the wrong side of the playing field. It is not a matter of whether you are right or wrong, guilty or not. For that, I thank God and I thank my lucky stars and good friends and trusted people.

I am going to church today. I need Divine’s strength. I won’t bluff that I am not worried (of being charged). I told my IO about it. He didn’t know the full story (of why a messy woman like me can be charged for such huge accusations). He didn’t know because every questions he asked me in the police station, my answer was ‘Saya akan jawab di mahkamah’. Folks, never say anything foolish with your police officer when they are taking statements. Just have a memory loss, ok?

So, yeah, I apologise to my IO that I have to SMS him often. I told him it is not my Mac that I am longing for. It is the closure. I want to know if I am free of that stupid Tony Yew’s accusations or I will be facing more public limelight as the bad woman who is bigger than the Pope and Dato’ Ambiga, more evil than anything else, likely to cause a riot in the country.

He told me nicely not to blog about this investigation. But I have to say that he has been nice, kind and all I want now is to get my Mac back. Or else, I will see you in court.

So, blek. I love you all, for those whom had made this whole two months like a nice stage show and not at all scary. But sometimes, the scary parts do creep in. So, I have to run to Jesus.

Posted on October 1st, 2011 by Lilian
Filed under: Life and rants | Comments Off