We had a coffee chat with someone a few evenings ago. And maybe I want to reflect on some of the enlightening things that went through my mind and things I said.
First, faith is something in deed. Something that we need to physically do. Even if it is doing nothing, it is faith. For the many times when I failed to be prayerful in the ritualistic way, I thought I have not been faithful.
But I think faith is when I have gotten really angry, terribly upset and yet sat back and reminded self that if I have Jesus, why get so worked up? Jesus is with me, He will deal with the shits I face.
I just hang on, and faith in me says Jesus will take care of the storm. No amount of rituals could have given me that faith of sitting back, and wait.
I mentioned that I get scary when I think I lose the feelings in me. The human feelings where compassion, love and an embracing forgiveness I have for strangers, people I see and people that I detest. I told the someone that I feel empty when I can’t feel pain nor hurts. It is easy to feel happy, contented and all that because if you have God, you are filled.
But when all are so complete and perfect, you tend to lose the other real human feelings. The one that makes people do things for others, the one that make you cry with someone who is poor or the one that kept you sleepless because you aren’t able to do something for the person.
Just now, someone message me. He thanked me for helping and he said to thank my God too. It brings a smile to me. I didn’t do much but him being grateful enough to ask me to thank my God, that’s wonderful. For he sees that it is the Christian in me that makes me go out of my way to solve some shits.
Tomorrow, I am going for an interview. I am now doubtful. I think I want to opt out. I think I am just doing it because it is something that I have wanted to do. Two years ago, I had almost gone to Singapore. I didn’t. Now, there is an opportunity, and I have signed up. I need to be interviewed. I am afraid I qualified, get sucked into the system and I have no U-turn. Arrggh…it is not usual for me to chicken out.
It is a big commitment. I am not sure I like it. It is like God is calling, but I am running the other direction. I have dreamed of being totally totally serving the Kingdom of Christ. Being totally committed to the Lord. I even dreamed at nights. But when I really take just one little step, I am here trying to find excuses not to get into it. Maybe, just maybe, I have urgent work tomorrow that made me skipping the interview. Or maybe God will throw me in, lock me, and throw away the key. I don’t know. I shall remain steadfast in faith. Que sera, sera.
Actually, I wrote a damn obnoxious post just now because I was feeling very, very pissed with someone. But I decided to have faith, leave it in Jesus’s hand. I am not going to sweat over the small things. God has bigger plans for me, yo. I got no time for stupid politics in teacups.