Sixteen years on

It has been sixteen years but you are still very much part of the maths. I will never erase the number out of our cosy family.

Vincent Loh Yet Aun
Born : 24 Sept 2001
Heaven : May 1, 2002

Of course, it will be easier to just say I have four sons but I always proudly say I have five. After all, I carried you in pregnancy, I cared for you more than any other babies and though seven months only, that was the longest seven months ever.

I remember a few years back, when I taught Form One, the class students were born in 2001 too. I felt a sharp stab in my heart when I realised that because that’s how old you would be too. It is not hard to imagine what life would be like for you. So, I quickly brushed it aside and accept that whatever had happened, God knows and God has His own plans.

Your little brother is our world now. Not your replacement. Never. Because I am pretty sure your temperament would not be like him. You are you. He is he.

Many times, I do imagine what would you and all your four brothers be like. Then, I quickly brushed aside again because it is merely imagination. Strangely, nowadays I no longer think that much. Maybe because my faith has completely, without a doubt, believed you are in a better place. So, I stop wondering.

Not sure why I choose to dig the old wounds. Maybe because if I don’t write it down, I feel guilty like I have forgotten you, my son in heaven. So, I dig the pain, release some of those tears so that I can shake it off. It feels good, to be able to feel those emotions. At least I know you mean a lot to me still. Enough for me to embrace a new religion that promise heaven and life eternal.

The religion that compels me to keep moving, keep doing till we meet one day. You made Bible real. Otherwise, I doubt I will be such a good Catholic girl. Because of you, I jumped into Christianity.

So yeah, my dear sixteen year old son whom I get to keep for 7 months only. I hope to meet one day, cos the Bible said so. Till then….