You would be 17

It is strange how one grows in their mother’s mind though the music stopped at seven months. Wanted to let the day passed, not going to think about it, not going to feel about it.

But that darn Korean drama which was supposed to be a comedy had this sobby sobby part. The number 24 came up as well so there goes the broken dam. The damned dam.

So let me blogged about it because it will seem like I am in a KDrama too.

Actually the above paras were typed 3 nights ago but my eyes got too much water, I didn’t finish what I had earlier wanted to type. So I thought, never mind la, forget about it. Not going to mull over your birthday in 2001.

But the celaka KDrama brings up again the dead son several episodes later. And what the father said was touching and what the hero in the KDrama did was sobby sobby. (he became a neuro-surgeon because his friend died of brain tumour as a child)

So, here I go, continue my own drama. Vincent, if you are here, you would be sitting for your SPM this year. Imagine you SPM, your baby brother PT3. But of course, I know that is not going to happen because if I have you here, you probably took up all my time and I won’t have time to procreate a new baby brother. Plus we would be too busy with you.

Yeah, I am kind of a morbid mom. I know it is better for you to be in Heaven than to be here with all your pipes, tubes, cerebral palsy (though that won’t be a damper for a strong mom like me and I would love you just the same).

Still, I feel so sad about you not taking your SPM. I remember some years back when I was teaching catechism and the bunch of Snake children was in Form 1. I asked them if they are born in 2001 and they said Yes. So I kinda attached to them because I imagine you at that age, Form One.

Recently, they had their confirmation camp. I extra love this class because I imagine seeing you growing the same as them. But the celaka work of mine took up all my time and I missed being with them for the camp. It broke my heart. That damn work really eat into all my life.

On their confirmation mass, I felt so depressed because without the intense confirmation camp with them, I felt like a stranger. To rub in the wound, the celaka phone did not stopped ringing during mass which was such a sacred moment for me. Seeing my beloved 17 years old saying Yes I Do to Christ but the phone calls kept coming in.

I think that was my wakeup call. I felt like a bad bad teacher for playing with her phones during mass. What to do, you cannot ignore Whatsapps from the boss. That was the last straw that finally opened my eyes that I do not need those shits. So yeah, I resigned instantly. I have enough.

Vincent, guess what? I thought I like to be a busy person. I worked like since forever. When you were here from 24 Sep 2001 till you left on 1 May 2002, I had been the best mother, nurse and OCD record keeper. Damn, all the nurses lost out to me because I could keep a record of your input, output, colour of stool, SPO2, timing of yr meds, nebuliser, chest physio, oxygen % for the oxygen concentrator etc etc.

But I now found out what great life is. Come to think of it, I have never had time for myself. I had boyfriends, then, husband, then babies, then you who made me sleep only 3 hrs a night and that too with my hand on yr chest in case you stopped breathing.

I remember when one time you were warded at LWE and we begged the doctor to put you in HDU so that 1.5 nurses can help me take care of you. I was dying of tiredness but hey, I survived though. What other woman can put her hand on her baby’s chest to make sure he did not die during her sleep?

Now, I have time, time, time. I clean, cook whenever I feel like it. Otherwise, I have no responsibilities of making milk or making sure you did not stop breathing. I can watch hours of Kdrama.

I so deserve this stage of my life. The luxury to watch KDrama about a son who died. Then, the mother of that son broke down and cried during that son’s birthday eventhough he would be 24. So I realised, hey, it is not weird to cry because you would be 17. You keep growing up in my mind.

I was just wondering what you would be if you are 17. I guess I would still be a good mother to an OKU child. Yes, that I am very confident because I already equipped myself with books on handling an OKU child when Dr Cheang told me you may have cerebral palsy because of your senget head.

The Kdrama then showed the father of the dead son telling the son’s friend. That seeing the guy grown up, and then, falling in love etc etc gave him the security of remembering his own son. So, yeah, again not weird that I am especially attached to the class born 2001. It is just my way of coping that hey, you would be taking your SPM this year. Cos you will be 17 this Sept 24, 2001.

So, now, blogged and published. Please get over it, Lilian. Go wait for your Mr Sunshine on Sep 23, 2018 on Netflix and get so mesmerized by Captain Eugune Choi, you forget about Vincent’s birthday.