This is a personal ramblings from topic to topic. Jotting down what I did, all in a day’s life will probably put things in better perspective.

1) It is easy to express things in English sentences. It is hard to say them in Hokkien. Today, I told him, “I hope you understand, both of us are telling you to walk, sit and move is not because we are being cruel (boh leong sim) but we want the best for you. I know it is very hard for you and I know you are afraid of getting the tubes dislodged. But you cannot lie in one position because you are getting bed sores. Your leg muscles will waste away if you don’t apply pressure on it. In no time, you may not be able to walk. So, please try your best. We are talking from our friends’ experiences. When your muscles are weak, you will have a hard time to be strong again. So, remember to do it. Don’t be afraid the catheter can dislodge. Ask the nurse to put more plasters and hold it and walk, please.”

2) After that we asked the wife to massage his legs and also to tell him to kick the bed end and apply pressures on the leg. It is darn hard to see him in depression and yet, we cannot allow him to remain there because it will make the situation worse. I feel so bad telling him about the guy in a wheelchair who can insert his own catheter (the tube to release urine). I feel so guilty telling him that he can totally become not be able to walk if he keeps in that position. If he won’t listen to the doctors and nurses, how is he going to listen to me? (We are unable to get support groups to visit as well, not know at least) Will he know that I had gone through that depth of despair, totally no hope, no strength and that abyss where death is the most welcoming thought? Does he know that a mother’s pain of seeing her own son dying is as painful as his own pain? I hope the Divine Being will pull him back and show him that we mean well.

3) The positive thing is he is now much more open to eating other than fish and mee suah. My heart leap with joy when his wife told me he asked for a second helping today when I made potatoes and spinach. For the second meal, I asked him if it is ok with the spaghetti? He said he like it. Praise God. I cut the spaghetti into tiny pieces like the size of a grain of rice because he cannot chew. I thank God that I have the patience and the dedication to prepare just a few strands of pasta just so he will get some nourishment. I even cut the brocolli florets into tiny speckle. Tomorrow, I am going to blend some vegetable soups.

4) Thank God that my husband has the courage to be not working just so that he can spend more time with the family and thank God that he is around for his sister. We are fine without his income, praise God again because of some blessings. Otherwise, both of us won’t be able to provide help when help is needed. This experience is more than enough to enrich our lives, albeit less $$.

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(long corridor of Penang GH)

5) Going to the hospital at odd hours mean both hubby and I had to find the back alleys and corridors to avoid being stopped by the guards. I have walked through paediatric wards, paediatric chemo and so many other wards. I have seen so many sick people. It is more than what I was exposed to during my seven months of taking care of my sick son. Private hospital is very discreet. Public hospitals mean you see all the agonies, deaths, dying and etc. Nothing faze me. This is a blessing because not many people has the same courage as my hubby and I.

6) I always remember how welcoming a smile is, an encouraging nod or a short chat is when you are there, in the lonely corridors taking of someone you loved. Whether it is a mom, pushing her child who is probably undergoing cancer treat or the wife looking forlon at her husband or lonely man with no visitors. I hope God will never let me forget this because that’s the purpose of our lives. Feeling the pain of another.

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(a little jar of longan and red date tea, I make it like the real deal of a wedding tea)

7) My nephew and his wife gave tea to their grandpa just now. (accounts of them on my faith blog) Note that the points I made on 1-6 above is not for the grandpa but my in-law. They are two different patients in two separate wards. My niece even took a video of the whole tea ceremony. She has rushed off to KL because her boyfriend’s father passed away today at 2pm. My prayers and condolences to Jerry.

As I went to wash the cup, I told the Malay woman sitting by the window. I told her, “Kami buat adat perkhawinan. Takut nanti ahpek tak sempat tunggu cucu kahwin bulan depan. Kami bagi dia minum teh kira dah kahwin, bagi orang tua gembira.” She find it so interesting and came by to chat.

8) Point 7 above – It means that when you are in a situation where despair, fears, worries and pain manifest, we do not see our colour, creed, faith. We are one and we are there for each other. As I passed through one of the female wards earlier, four women, an Indian, two Chinese and one Malay were sitting in a group chatting so animatedly. They are sick but they have spirits. It makes us all kind of stupid why we go all the way to put each other down at other times when we are feeling good.

9) I have always been the spoilt one with RM350 allocation from health insurance for hospital stay/per night. My kids have grown up with first class, private room in private hospitals. We have always been the demanding patients. But now, looking at the Government hospital, I think I can endure it. You know, our Government hospital is not so bad after all? People are much more friendlier and kinder when they are poorer.

10) Lastly, what I did today? I resolve to start on a new journey. I am reading the Al-Kitab which is the Bible in Bahasa Malaysia. It is big decision and I pray I have the wisdom to discern the Word of God in Bahasa Malaysia. It is not some child’s play and I know it is a huge responsibility but I choose to do it. I asked for the priest’s blessing and he gave me a copy. Thank you, Father.

“Apa yang tersembunyi akan dinyatakan, dan apa yang dirahsiakan akan didedahkan. Jika kamu bertelinga, dengarlah baik-baik.”

(Markus)

The above long ramblings is just to get everything out of my head so that I can continue doing what is needed in the following days to come. Otherwise, all the images can be overwhelming.

Phew….now off to writing paid posts…..Thanks to all who read up till the end.