Yesterday, I had a long chat with a visting relative. About teenagers. She was dead surprise when I told her that son #2 is in Komtar (the seedier side) at a Perpustakaan Cyber (a Gov. run cyber library with a few computers). Actually son is at the skateboarding shop next door, hanging out with the shopkeepers to learn more about the products etc. (BTW, to the unintiated, skateboarding involves lot of technical stuffs from ball bearings, lubricants to the stuffs we see like the board.) But I left that bit out or she probably has a heart attack. It so happens that #2 son MSN me that he had finished school and will be back later and his whereabouts (hence I can’t hide the cyber-library part).
Eldest son had gone to lepak at Gurney Plaza. So, relative of mine launched into dangers of cyber-cafes blah blah.
A NEW BALL GAME IN BRINGING UP CHILDREN
Well, she had three wonderful adult children with successful careers (in their late 20s and 30s) and one very much younger son age 12. I know for sure that bringing up those adult children in the 80s-90s compare to the current one is a totally new ball game.
DISCIPLINE
Then, she told me about her in-law. The teacher has a 17 years old son. He has gotten a bike licence and free to roam. He hangs out at cyber-cafe and did not want to study. He is doing ok in school. Mother took a steel rod and whack him, leaving a scar or something.
In real life, I hate to impose my ideals. What’s the point? It won’t change much. I just told my relative that nowadays, we can no longer control our children that way. I squirm in my chair hearing these horror stories on bringing up teenagers.
CYBERCAFE AND SOCIALISING
I told relative that I know where my kids are, what they are doing and I do allow them to go to cyber-cafe for Dota or RO or whatever. Relative said if we have computers at home, why the need to go to cybercafe? Because of the atmosphere and friends. I have coffee at home but I would be happier if I can go and sit at Starbucks. In fact, my atm is already worrying if his sons sat in the house whole day for a period of time! He said boys must go out and have fun.
Frankly, I can’t see what more harm can internet to do my kids. P0rn? We discussed that all the time. We talked about gays, lesbianism, ogling b00bs and things like that. We can’t beat p0rn, so might as well bring it out into the open. To me, it is just like a different kind of cartoons. Period. Drugs, smoking, mixing with the wrong companies? Kids need to belong. So, if you don’t alienate them, giving them a space to roam healthily and yet knowing what they are up to, whom they are mixing with, cross fingers that they will turn out alright.
TUITION
Relative told me that she had engaged a tuition teacher to start a class NOW for the 12 yrs old to prepare them for Form One next year. She had gone to great length to organise it. Why? I don’t know. She is my close relative, so I have nothing to say.
I told her none of my sons have tuition and neither do they study much. (watching documentary and reading DK series books, smarter than most adults count?) Their results is always mid-range. Say for St. Xavier Institution, in a form with 150 students, the result is bordering on 70s.
I am spared of all the tensions, they are spared of all the torture. I am happy, they are happy.
PARENTS’ FAULTS
The few things I read in the paper prompted me to ponder this. E.g.:
1) Two teenagers blogs were used to fuel the riot in Paris. Yeah, these kids are using their blogs. Age only 14 yrs – 16 yrs. Are their parents aware? Does the parents even know that their sons blog? Aren’t parents responsible for their kids?
2) The big hoo-haa, finger pointing on those grads who are unable to get a job. My sons, atm and I had a debate on this matter. My sons told us about how ill-equipped some of the students from the other schools are. How they can’t even speak English and totally blur socially. I said certain races are too kiasu, wanting to be ahead all the time. But in the process, forgot that communication skill is more important. My 13 yrs old chipped with ‘They are not street smart. Hampalang gong-gong wan (all dumb). Excel only in studies.”
3) There are 160,000 teenagers without licences who drive/ride a bike.
So, all these point back to whose fault is it? The parents lor. I am not pointing to the individual parents but as a major force in shaping the future generation.
And why are these happening? Because in the process of bringing up children, many have left God behind. There is a lack of emphasis on bringing up God loving kids. So, never forget the most important element in parenting. The Higher Being, the Almighty.
My boy is going to Genting 2morrow with 9 of his friends. No gals. Am I happy with his choice of friends? No. But, I never bad-mouthed his friends in front of him. (maybe in front of my hubby..)The thing is, as important as it is to hold on, it’s just as important knowing when to let go.
i agree with you. i’ve argued with my mom a thousand times on this topic. my younger siblings go to tuition about 5 times a week but their results are total crap.
i personally went to tuition only for 2 subjects. i was having a really hard time trying to figure out what my teacher at school was trying to teach so i went for tuition. but i did my revision on my own.
my siblings however rely on tuition 100%. they don’t bother studying at home.
and the going out part? my mom would flip if she knew i used to go to the nearest CC nearly everyday when i was in secondary school. even know when i go out, i don’t tell her where exactly i am. i think it has something to do with being a girl.
my younger brother gets away with murder.
ah well.
My daughter just turned two and I have started worrying about here future.
I agree wholeheartedly with you on the “bringing up God loving kids”. I guess giving them a religious education is not enough and we the parents need to show them by example, so that its not a case of “just talk but no action.”
I think the KEY word on bringing up children is responsibility. They gotta learn responsibility, be responsible for their own actions.
‘god loving kids’-something i’ve not heard for a long time. i must agree with u that parents play an impt role in imparting the right values. one of my pupils just had his first tattoo and had been advised. called in his parents and we realised why he had the tattoo in the first place, coz mummy and daddy had them too. worst still, the tattoo that he had was a b’day gift from an uncle! somehow the younger generation shy away from religion, they think it stifle their creativity in some way-like religion is outdated.parents on the other hand, give more importance to academics than anything else.
I’m not a parent yet and I really can’t judge how parents should or should not bring up their children. I come from a non-religious family. My parents never talked about God at home. They gave me and my sister the freedom to choose a religion and I have chosen mine.
I turned out fine (I think) although they never taught me how to be God loving.
I had tuition almost everyday when I was in upper secondary and I enjoyed every bit of it. It all depends on the kid I guess. If the kid wants to learn, and has the innate ability to learn, then no matter what the parent does, no matter how the parent stops him or her from learning, the kid will still want to learn.
I personally think tuition is very important. With classes being too big in government schools, we can’t get the attention that we need at that stage of education. When I went to a private boarding school for my A-levels, I had no problem with learning in class because classes were very very small…maximum of 10 students only. I didn’t need tuition cos I got all the attention I need.
There must be a limit to what a parent can allow their children to do. Maybe Auntie Lilian, you are the New Age kinda mum. My mum will never allow me to go out by myself to a shopping mall to meet friends and go to a CC at 12, 13, or even 17! HOnestly speaking, if I have a daughter too, I won’t allow that. Our society is just way too dangerous already. Maybe you allow it because you have sons and not daughters.
Good on you that you are open minded. But then again…each parent has his or her own way of bringing up their kids. Some work. Some don’t. Some realise it earlier, some realise it later.
WHen I become a parent..I tell u lah ok?
Lilian,
I do agree with you that parents do play an important role in their kids upbringing because they are the root for them as in they are the examples for their own kids.
I think parents should teach their children about religion because it’s like the basis of life – religion. Maybe people might not agree with what I am saying here but sometimes religion does play an important role in society.
And as for tuitions… When I was still in high school I only went to one tuition class and that was Principles of Accounting due to the school teacher’s incapability of teaching us the subject well. But I do see parents sending their children to tuition – everyday. I mean they are still kids, why put such pressure on them? Sigh.
I am not a parent yet but these are my thoughts. Cheers!
If kiasu folks have their way, they’ll ban
the Internet because of pornography & sex; they’ll ban books, VCDs, movies, telephones, parks (read the papers), cars (read the papers), computers….
Hin – Then we all go back and stay in caves, hor? Safer. *sigh* We parents are plagued with all these challenges lor. Left, right, centre, all also a potential threat to the kids moral but what to do, be open-minded, learnt to trust our bigger kids and be updated with the latest threats lor.
Kyels – That’s right. When I mention religion, I am not imposing that it has to be Islam or Christianity or anything specific. Each homes, I suppose have their traditional rituals. Like how we Chinese respect our ancestors, filial piety etc. Otherwise, what for we complain when we have corrupt officers, people who betray the public’s trusts, abuse the money from the poor etc? It all boils down to the root – the family unit. I am glad you are so matured in your thinking.
Angelic Grace – You are right lor. Sons are harder to control. And if I have daughters, I know I probably will be very protective. But it has to be built on trusts too. I am sure your parents trust your judgement and hence, no need to worry so much.
tsetse-fly – It is something our church drill into us parents every week. We have this young priest who is a counsellor for the young adults and he often reminded us that times have changed, we can’t rule our children like the past etc etc. We must let them venture out on their own, guide them but not suffocating them with too many rules etc. You are a teacher. My highest respect for you! My father was a teacher too. My children all attend Saints school and I guess the environment is a lot less pressure than Chinese school. Thank you for your comment.
Max – Hey, haven’t ‘seen’ you around for a while. Been busy eh?
Adam – Yalah, Muslims children have more or less got a foundation there. And I am glad my kids have to attend a weekly class in church too. Otherwise, sometimes we got so caught up in wanting to progress and advance (financially) and forget our priority. BTW, was the Adam in the paper before Raya you? It was a family with inter-racial marriage. The guy’s name is Adam too.
sharina – I guess mothers are more protective of girls. I know I would too. But nowadays, I have to also talk to my kids about same sex relationship. sigh. It is not the most comfortable thing to do but I guess it is safer to let them know the modus operandi etc. Each year, I gave my older kids the choice of whether they need tuition or not. ‘Cos maklumlah, by a certain age, they wanna go tuition to socialise kan? So far, they said no.
helen – Yalor, and then, bite nails and pray hard. I guess you know how fun it is to have kids like that. It is a matter of knowing when to shaddap. LOL.
i was brought up by parents just like you. i hardly study but i always pay attention during classes. they allowed me and my brothers grew up as it is, no pressure, no governing on wat we wanna do etc. my parents do not wan studious kids but they wan us to make a living by using our brains and skills.
just one word for you – bravo!
busy ? yes.. busy reading but nothing to contributed until now…
Your mention about your teacher friend with the 17-year-old; Taking a steel rod on him at this time is a trifle too late. Might as well put a bullet through him. She could have used a little rotan and tap lightly when that kid was just starting to crawl, while still nursing him, and life would have been better for everybody. I’ve seen lots of parents trying to discipline their kids only when they started to fly. Most of them failed miserably. They never heard of a foundation to begin with.
LC Teh – Yeah, I agree with you totally. My motto is the ‘Melentur buluh biarlah dari rebung’. I do smack my kids when they were younger. In fact, I am an advocate for that. Hahaha. Now, they know their limit because they know not to mess too much or go overboard. Can see the fruits of the smacks at this age, really. Glad to get your share of wisdom. And only the older ones get it more because I can use ‘Do you remember what happened to so&so when he did something wrong?’
Max – Go start your own blog la.
babe – Your boi-boi will go through that phase soon!